Life in Rain (Xazor)

[D'Mourning Orb]

He walked into the bar, the brim of his baseball cap dripping wet from the miserable conditions outside.

Upon receiving his drink at the bar, he downed two prescription drug tablets in order to relieve his massive headache. D'Mourning's head was indeed hammering. It had been all day.

It was one of those days where the culmination of a life's frustration reigned hard upon one's psyche. The drugs
wouldn't help. He knew that much. The demons inside would
have to be exorcised by an almighty truth, unknowledgeable
to he himself.

The one true friend, other than his master Sage Hazzard,
that he had on this planet was nowhere to be found. She was the one person whose modesty allowed a "golden hum" to ring within his deaf ears. He had searched all over for her. The mere essence of her presence soothed his heart. He needed that now, more than ever.

D'Mourning eyed the door hoping Xazor would enter.

[Xazor Elessar]

The rain outside pounded down hard on the landscape of Arcan IV. Xazor needed relief from the monotonous weather, so she decided to take a break for herself. The wind blew her into the bar and grill, and the door slammed shut behind her. The guard requested her weapons, but then realized that she was a Jedi Knight. She smiled and entered the bar, brushing her wet hood back to reveal her waist length blonde hair in Garou warrior braids which were laced with pretty coins. Her robes were wet, but that would be taken care of soon. She focused on the Force and sped up the molecules around her, creating heat. The heat touched her robes and dried them almost instantly. Smiling to herself, she looked around for some friends. She then spotted one whom she had not seen in quite some time. D'Mourning's gentle eyes seemed to reach out for her as she stood in the entrance to the bar. She began walking his way, her scarlet robes flowed behind her as they had normally done, seeming to be untouched by the rain. The walk across the bar seemed to take forever but she finally reached him.

"My friend, it has been so long...."

She said, wrapping her arms around his neck in an embrace. She had missed him so much, and many things had changed in his absence. Now she wondered what was wrong.....his eyes told the whole story, so she sat down in the empty seat next to him, waiting for him to speak.

[D'Mourning Orb]

A smile lingered on D'Mourning's face for several moments. He raised his hands to sign, but nothing came to him. Dropping his dry hands upon his rain soaked lap, D'Mourning chuckled to himself softly. He raised his hands to communicate, again.

I... It is so good to see you.... I have actually been hoping I
would find you, and... These last few weeks... I cannot even tell you.. how..... it is just--so very good to see you.

[Xazor Elessar]

Nodding, she smiled brightly. Suddenly a wolf ran into the bar and laid his head upon her lap. Xazor patted his head and signed to the creature.

Lay down and behave, Kaukauna...or they won't let you stay here.

The wolf's eyes gleamed in the light as he laid down on the wooden floor of the bar, just as she had commanded. Smiling, she turned to D'Mourning once again and signed to him.

It is so good to see you also. So much has changed since I saw you last. I have missed you so much! I am glad you wished to see me...I thought perhaps you forgot about me. Oh yes, this is my wolf companion, Kaukauna. He is deaf, but Force sensitive and he understands sign too!

She signed with excitement, her hands moved quickly and fluently. Indeed, she had gotten a lot better at it since seeing him last, and was excited about the many things that she had to tell him.

[D'Mourning Orb]

He regarded the wolf with a relaxed smile, and then paused for a long period of time. His face became almost expressionless.

I need to confide in someone, Xazor.

His pain was a past that he had not yet confronted. Now was
as good a time as any.

My life... was ruined.... and it started with my father, dying.
And my sister soon after.

As the painful memories rushed back to him he closed his eyes, hiding the glint of tears dancing within his weary focus.

She was my best friend. And... they took her away from me...
they took her away from me, and they took a part of me away..
in the process.... I was only six, but.. it was a... an innocence, or rather... an identity..... I could never assume again.

He opened his eyes.

My mother... she hid me in the walls.... the Sith came.... I heard screaming.... you know... it was pooring down rain twenty minutes before they came. It sort of reminds me of the conditions outside, tonight... Maybe God, gives omens through suttlety.

He shrugged his shoulders. Long beat.

My mother screamed.... and I couldn't help her... my sister screamed.. out in the field.... I couldn't help her..... My mom, she lived. But, about a month ago, I think I told you... she commited suicide.

He shook his head.

Why? I endured the same trials she did. And...

Tears cascaded down his cheeks.

.. she was supposed.. to be stronger than me.

He sat there for several moments without saying a word.

I am thirty years old.... I feel helpless. Like I was six years old again. After her death.... Maybe I have just never been strong enough. I have always needed a rock..... I am here, trying to become a Jedi... but, my heart is not in it. I feel non-existant.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor's heart went out to D'Mourning. Many similar things had happened to her...she too had lost people she loved. Taking her hands, she put them up to his face and gently wiped the tears away, then held his face close to hers.

D'Mourning...you are strong...I can feel it in you!

She spoke through the Force, gently her words echoed in his mind. Her deep blue eyes showed the compassion she had in her heart. He had helped her overcome obstacles in her life...and now it was her turn.

[D'Mourning Orb]

He mouthed, "thank you... but..."

He pulled himself, ever so gently, away from her hands.

Somehow.. that is just not enough.... feelings mean nothing to me, anymore.... they make you weak... they belittle you.

He bowed his head in embarassment. How could he have been so rude to someone he geniunely felt for, cared about?

With his head bowed he signed, I am sorry.

After several moments he gazed back into her eyes.

I am not worthy.. to even bask within your presence. But yet, you still stand.. sit before me.

He shook his head.

God broke the mold-when he made you Xazor... He did.

D'Mourning sighed deeply.

[/i]And right now.. that is all that I know for certain in this world[/i].

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor did not understand why he felt so undeserving to be near her. His compliment made her bluse a pretty color of crimson as she gently placed a hand under his chin to raise his eyes to hers once again. Releasing, she signed soft words with her hands.

"D'Mourning...you bless me by even considering to be my friend! With a past so horrible as mine, and actions of the present for which I am ashamed...it is a wonder to me that you remain sitting here beside me."

She sighed gently to herself and gazed at the floor for a moment before returning her blue eyes to meet his expressionless face.

"You must have feelings.....don't let them overpower you, but....they are necessary to survive! Love....joy....peace....happiness...these are like oxygen! You need to have them in order to breath!"

She signed quickly, expressing her point through quick movements of her hands. A gentle smile danced upon her lips, sending a silent comforting message his way...

[D'Mourning Orb]

No... emotions... they are for the weak.... and even though I act upon them, just by sitting here--talking to you... I will not allow myself to be consumed by them any longer... Not in the least.... I am tired of pain... and happiness is just prelude to the inevitable.

He looked upon her hopeful, well wishing eyes.

You... you should be happy... hey.. it works for you... and
to rob the world of your smile would mean the death of all things
heartfelt, genuine.... But, it doesn't work for me..

D'Mourning swallowed the lump in his throat, painful memories rushing back to him. He tried to rationalize what he was saying, why he was relequishing so much of his own personal anguish upon her, but those thoughts, at least for the moment, escaped him.

When I was little, I sat all by myself in a room... Everyone has
imaginary friends.... But, I would talk to myself. Thoughts...
even unbenounced to me--would enter my mind. Somehow
subconsciously... For a long time... I would sit, and the first
idea that would come into my mind was, a sort of subliminal message... it just barely came into my frame of thought.. "I am scared"... For a long time, I asked myself, why am I scared?....And, it might have been because I felt alone. My Dad had died.. My sister had died... I mean.. but.... Lately...there's a new voice... when I am lying in bed at night... It says.... "I will never be you." .... And sometimes.. "I could never be like you." ...
And, for the life of me, I don't know what that means.... But
if had to guess... I am telling myself, that I am a fake... maybe
"fake" isn't the right word, but... I am not who.. I should be...

D'Mourning starred off to the side for a moment.

I am not a strong man... I never have been... You can say I am, but.. I know that I am not... All of my life.. I have depended on others for support, whether it be my my father, mother.. sister... my ex-wife... or now even... the Jedi, as a whole...
I cannot stand on my own two feet... I never have been able to... and unless I change, right now--who I am... I never will be able to.

He looked deeply into her eyes.

Emotion has ruined me... It is time for me to invent myself, for the very first time in my life... My entire life has been an affect of my emotions... and it has mostly been a consequence of sorrow felt emotions.

He scoffed mentally.

When I was little.. before my Dad died... I was someone....
Everything there after... has been an affect of emotion.. sorrow... I will not let it control me anymore.

D'Mourning shook his head.

I do not expect you to understand... I do not even know exactly why I am pouring all of this on you, Xazor.. and for that I do aplogize.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor didn't know what to say for a moment. They sat there in silence for a moment and she just stared at the floor. Slowly her eyes drifted up to meet his, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, sending gentle comforting waves through the Force.

D'Mourning....do not be sorry for anything that you have told me. There have been many a times when I have poured out my soul to someone. I too am going through much of the same things you are....at this very moment. I have had to rebuild the way I think of myself....not rebuild who I am. D'Mourning....someone told me that in order to move on, I must forgive myself for the mistakes I have made...and learn to accept those of others. You are not to blame for the bad things that happen...all things move by will of the Force.

She spoke gently in his mind and paused for a moment to gather her thoughts once again. She kept her arms wrapped around him and continued speaking through the Force.

You are a strong man....otherwise you would not be telling me all of this. True strength lies in the actions and character of a person. By acknowledging that you need someone to talk to, you are showing your inner strength. Look at me....

She pulled away from the embrace and held his face in her hands, looking right into his eyes. A warm smile adorned her face and her eyes seemed to sparkle for a moment.

You do not need to stand alone to be strong. Strength comes in numbers.....one is nothing compared to many. I too have lost friends, family......lovers. I know hurt to the very core of the word, but that didn't stop me from feeling. Look all around you....the Force, it connects and binds everything together. You must rely on others in order to work in this great system....

She said softly in his mind, continuing to smile brightly on her sad friend. The air around them seemed to warm as her aura surrounded both of them. She sent hope through her eyes, and love through the gentleness in her hands.....

[D'Mourning Orb]

D'Mourning brought Xazor's hands down to her lap. He looked into her eyes for several moments. Pulling away he signed:

I did not expect for you to understand.

D'Mourning stood up.

Thank you for listening to me. But... It will take more than words to weather this storm.

He gave her a hug and then solemnly walked away towards the exit.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor rose from her seat after D'Mourning hugged her. With the Force backing her speed, she reached the door before he did and stood in his way.

But I do understand! I am trying to help you and I feel as though there is something deeper that is laying at the root of your problem...please, tell me. I am your friend and I am here to listen...

She said in his mind, gently placing her hands on his shoulders and looking into his eyes so that her messaged was clearer.

[D'Mourning Orb]

D'Mourning smiled. He held her hands for several moments, and then lowered them to her sides.

Pulling away he signed, You are one in a million... and a million other's could never never give.. me... a gift as great as yours.

He turned to the doorway, then back to face Xazor.

You have no idea... what you have done for me.. tonight...
but, I cannot even help myself any further... Not now, anyway.. It will be a process.

D'Mourning nodded. He took a moment to take in her eyes.

That much I know... These--problems... have lasted me my entire life... And, well... one night.. one day, one year cannot change-that.

He took a deep breath.

You do not know me... and I am glad that you do not.. for
I am not a very beautiful person.... I have not been.. and I used to think that, I never would be.... What I see now, though.. are possibilities... I see them in my dreams... and I cannot tell you how good-for me that is... I used no to dream.. but, I will change..
I will become strong enough, to do what I have to do.

He looked deeply within her eyes, as if looking straight through her.

I have seen the future... and that is going to change.

He gently carressed her left hand in a soft gliding motion with the phalanges of his right.

That is what I meant... You have no idea what you have given me tonight... You gave me belief.

He smiled shaking his head.

I know.. this, doesn't make.. very much sense to you now--but,
you have... you have made me stronger.... and that is why I say you are so special.... Only two people have ever given me.. that
strength.. and it has nothing to do with the metaphysical.

His pupils widened.

I know.. deep down, that you will be there for me.. always....
and that.... is all I will ever need

D'Mourning put his arms around Xazor, hoding her in his embrace.

[Xazor Elessar]

A tear formed in Xazor's eye as D'Mourning said his piece. She was so deeply touched by his words and feelings this time. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him as he held her in the embrace. It was a moment unlike any other, and she too was starting to put herself back together.

You are a beautiful person...D'Mourning. Just because I seem as one now...you have not seen my past. That is something that I have been struggling with forever...but the things you have told me tonight confirm the fact that I am a Jedi and I have good friends who love me no matter what I have done....

She smiled to herself as the tears of happiness cascaded down her cheeks. She remained in the embrace and spoke in his mind once again.

You have given me a piece of myself that I lost so long ago....and I thank you deeply for that.

Her words through telepathy mirrored the tenderness of those she spoke with her voice...and her hands. The warmth that they exchanged ran deeper than skin...it was something indescribable for it was of the Force. They were on a level of deeper understanding now...and it made Xazor feel like she was finally accepted...no matter what.

[D'Mourning Orb]

D'Mourning pulled away from Xazor. At first, bringing his hands down to hold hers, and then, slowly pulling away completely.

Good night, Xazor.

He turned away slowly only to turn back to her again.

When I pray to God tonight.... I shall tell him how lucky he is to have you... And for that matter, how lucky I am to have you.

He gazed deeply into her eyes for several moments, searching for a soft spot within her soul. But, alas, there was none. D'Mourning digressed, holding his breath unconsciously for several seconds.

Have the most beautiful dreams that you have ever had--in your lifetime.

Smiling he signed, But, I do not suppose.. that would be much of a stretch for you... All of your dreams.. your thoughts... must be the most beautiful thing the world will never see.. know.

He leaned in to give her one last hug before leaving.

Good night.

D'Mourning slowly turned away and walked out of the bar. Somehow, the rain felt quite inviting. He could already feel it on his shoulders.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor did not completely understand his words. She had a deep longing within her to be with him, to stand by his side and make him know that all would be well. His words touched her soul in a way she could not tell with words. She ran out of the bar after him and just barely caught him.

Why did you do that? Why did you search me and then stop?

She questioned in his mind, realizing in full that he had searched her soul for....something...and had not found it for he stopped. She looked down and grabbed his hand in her, sqeezing it gently.

And why do you leave me here without conclusion?

Tears began streaming from her eyes....indeed, his words were that of beauty to her and she took them much to heart. By him saying that she held the most beautiful thoughts and dreams in the world, made her heart jump into her throat.

I just can't let you walk out of here with a goodnight...it's impossible. It's tearing at my heart...

More tears fell from her eyes and mixed with the ran on her soft skin.

[D'Mourning Orb]

D'Mourning gently pulled his hand away.

[/i]I do not know to what you are infering... searching?[/i]

He looked at her tear filled eyes.

Why--are you crying?

His hands moved to brush her tears away with the gentle touch of his fingertips.

[Xazor Elessar]

She continued to cry and the tears cascaded down her cheeks.

You searched me....I felt it in the Force. You can't hide something like that....

She spoke in his mind. When he brushed her tears away, more came flowing out. She thought that he would understand why she was crying, but he didn't.

Because you keep pushing me away, like I'll never understand. I thought you were my friend....but lately, I have been wrong about a lot of things.

Her telepathic voice still rang with pain as she wiped the rest of her tears from her cheeks. Her eyes were red and blood shot from crying...but she guessed that it didn't matter at this moment.