NEW SHORT STORY. Like anyone cares (PART FIVE complete)

[ReaperFett]

Hi both the people that bother to read this stuff.

This will just about be the last of these shorts for some time, maybe for good. Number of reasons.

-Only a month before Uni starts, dont want to be doing much then
-Running out of the decent plotlines
-Losing any sort of care about writing these

If you read this, I'd love to be given some constructive criticism or support. But hey, is wishes were fishes, we'd all be living on Mon Calamari.

So, here we go
-----
-----

ASH LONGBAUGH: ONE LAST SHOT
TIMELINE SETTING: After Jana's death, and her killers death(About 15 months after Jana died)


Ash Longbaugh sat on the Nubian wood chair, arms folded. He had been waiting for a good ten minutes now. The only thing that had kept him there had been because of the furnishings. For a simple office, it was lavishly furnished. Each wall had wooden panelling, and pictures lined the walls. On one wall was a giant aquarium, full of fish of all varieties. As well as the stairs which Ash had come down to get here, there was a door leading out. Ash presumed this was to more offices, maybe some sleeping quarters.

After a while, he finally entered. Wearing smart clothing and with short neat hair and well groomed moustache, he looked like he could wander into a Senator's ball on Coruscant, and not look even slightly out of place. He reached over the desk, and Ash shook his hand, before the man sat down.

"Ash Longbaugh, it's been too long" he said

"That depends on your point of view Vak" Ash replied, quite coldly

"Look, I know you've given up as a hitman, so I wouldn't exactly be the person you'd want to see again"

"Well, no Sith"

"Which is why I didn't.... "

"You want me to do another hit" Ash interupted. Vak stayed silent for some time before continuing

"Yes"

"Sorry, no deal"

"Please, just hear me out"

"You have a minute"

"The man you will be going for is named Mar Manday. He runs a large crime syndicate" A small Holo projector lights up, showing an image of the man.

"Yeah, I know him"

"Then, as you will know, he is an unstable individual. The reason he has been marked is for the brutal murders of over thirty individuals at his own bare hands. Completion will get you this amount" he wrote something on a piece of paper, and slid it over to Ash.

That much?. he thought. This could set me up for life. And killing scum like this? No remorse. No regrets. One bad man dead, many credits coming my way. He takes a deep breath, and looks up at Vak.

"Okay, I'll do it"

"Excellent. You will be taken first to a hidden base on a small ice moon near where we believe is centre of operations to be. There, you will be safe from him. And there's one other thing. You'll have a partner"

"No thanks" Ash replied. Although useful, they often became emotional baggage by the end, jeopardising the job

"You have no choice. She is part responsible for the mark. Her name is Miro Ton. She was training to be a Hitman, one of our best learners. Her family were victims of Manday"

Oh great, a vengeful hitman he thought, sighing.

"Okay, okay" as the hitman spoke, a small buzzing noise came from Vak's desk.

"Oh good. She's here now"

Ash slowly got up, and turned to face the stairs. It was then that his jaw nearly fell through the floorboards.

Now, that's what I call emotional baggage

She slowly walked down the stairs, and flicked some hair from her face. She was wearing a bright shirt, and a short skirt which ended a fair distance before the knees. The clothing showed her figure off perfectly.

"Looking at something?" She asked, standing just in front of him. He then realised he had been staring.

"Yes. Were you?" He said cockily, as a half smile formed on his face. Hers, on the other hand, read annoyance.

"This is the best you have?" She asked Vak

"Not the best I have. The best there is" the man replied

"And the best there ever will be" Ash commented.

Miro let out a long sigh, and turned to the fellow hitman.

"Listen you arrogant little piece of Sith, I dont like you. I wont like you. Ever. So please, cut out the smugness"

"Arrogant? Me? I don't need to be. I can just get others to sing my praises"

She gave one more annoyed stare, before heading back up the stairs.

"Docking bay 96. Be waiting" she shouted down as she left. Vek shook his head, and slowly headed for the drinks cabinet. Ash stood motionless, still looking at the space where she had been standing, the smile still on his face.

"You know, I think she liked me"
-----
-----

[Guri HRD]

I like where this is going!

[Warren Azalin]

Nice :) , see Fett your not as bad as you think.

[Guri HRD]

(getting many ideas)

[Teka Kenobi]

I agree, a different style of stry to the others I think. One comment: you changed the mans name from Vak to Vek :) . Keep going!

[Liam Jinn]

k I liked it, though if this is right after Jana's death why would he not feel guilty about staring at the other hot chick? Also he seemed to give in too easy after he said "No Deal"..."Please just hear me out". It might just be me not knowing how Fett treats this guy.

[Jedi Amnde]

Very nice, Mr. Fett:)

Have anymore I could read?

[Teka Kenobi]

Amnde: go to the B&G archives. They're all there :)

[ReaperFett]

check the archive, hundreds of em, trashy each one :)


And Liam, quick timeline clearup (I'll write one one day :) ). The killer of Jana was killed about a eyar after the actual death. Afterwards, he feels like his exercised that ghost. Dont worry, that'll come into play more later

[Jedi Amnde]

Alright, Thank You. I'll read them later when I have more time.:)

[ReaperFett]

-----
-----

As carefully as a mother putting down a newborn, Ash slowly landed The Chainsaw, his personal YT-2000 ship, in docking bay 96. Taking a moment to check systems were 100%, he heads off down the landing ramp into the bay itself. Seeing that it was completely empty except for him, he lay down on the ramp, and looked up at the sky. Clouds were slowly drifting through the sky, like Dewbacks slowly meandering through the Jundland wastes. Near where he had been born.

Ash hadn't been there for some time. But that'd change soon. Soon, he'd have credits, and lots of them. Forget visit, he could have a mansion! Anything, he could have it.

"Master Ash, are you okay?" Said a voice by his head. He moved his eyes slightly, to see Nacho, his faithful droid, standing nearby. Bought as a standard R2 unit, Ash had added so many upgrades, he was now vastly superior. SPeaking basic was one of these extras.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Nach, what did you call me?"

"Master Ash"

"And what should you call me?"

"Master A...."

"No"

"Maste...."

"Try again"

"M..."

With that, Ash picked up a hydrospanner, and hit the side of his droid.

"One last time"

"Ash"

"That's right. Call me Ash. Anyway, can you check the fuel couplings inside the ship? I think one might be loose"

"Straght away Master Ash"

he swung the hydrospanner again, but the droid was long gone. Letting out a sigh, he dropped his head back down.

"is this a private party, or can anyone come?"

Smiling, Ash lifted his head up to look at the newcomer

"Only the people I like" He replied to Miro

"Lucky it isn't people who like you then" she replied. She was now wearing a jumpsuit, and was carrying a holdall. She walked up to the ship, and started to get in. As she did, Ash hopped to his fett, and performed a mock bow.

"Welcome to The Chainsaw. Thankyou for choosing to fly with Ash Longbaugh. We estimat....."

"Shut up Ash" Miko interrupted. Shrugging, Fett headed off to begind takeoff procedures.

-----
-----

[ReaperFett]

that wasnt much, but I just wanted to get another section out the way before I stopped

[Pierce Tondry]

Keep going, damn you!!!

...I wanna know what happens!

...Stop laughing!

[Keerrourri Sarrtarroa]

Dude....keep it going. My wheels are turnin man!

[Nichos Marr]

Very good, now here's what you could have improved upon.

First part


After a while, he finally entered. Wearing smart clothing and with short neat hair and well groomed moustache, he looked like he could wander into a Senator's ball on Coruscant, and not look even slightly out of place. He reached over the desk, and Ash shook his hand, before the man sat down.

You could have said, "After a while, He entered." or "After a while, another man entered the room." Your audience could get confused, distinguish that it another person entered the room.


"Please, just hear me out"

"You have a minute"

If I were Vak and someone speaked to me like that in MY office, I would blast them. Always remember that your posts should be realistic and lifelike. People enjoy the reading experience if they can relate to a situation.


"The man you will be going for is named Mar Manday. He runs a large crime syndicate" A small Holo projector lights up, showing an image of the man.

You could have elaborated on specific details of the man. And why did Vak assume you WOULD be going for him?


The reason he has been marked is for the brutal murders of over thirty individuals at his own bare hands.

I would've thought a crime boss would've killed a lot more then 30 individuals with his own bare hands.


And killing scum like this? No remorse. No regrets.

Fett would have no remorse? As shown before he's a level head person. I believe he would have at least a bit of remorse or regret. Maybe a "I shouldn't have done that". Fett isn't completely heartless, even if the man is busy.


"Okay, I'll do it"
You can see Fett gave it a lot of thought :)


near where we believe is centre of operations to be.

Why would they go through all the trouble of setting a base and ferrying Fett there if they weren't sure it was Mar's center of operations? It's where THEY believe.


"No thanks" Ash replied. Although useful, they often became emotional baggage by the end, jeopardising the job

Nice :) I like that part.


Oh great, a vengeful hitman he thought, sighing.

Another good, realistic part :) Fett is the kind of guy who doesn't want emotion getting in the way of a mission.


"Yes. Were you?" He said cockily

He he he


"Listen you arrogant little piece of Sith, I dont like you. I wont like you. Ever. So please, cut out the smugness"

That's a little crude for a first assumption, based on a few cocky lines. And at this point you CAN TELL they are hooking up.


Vek shook his head

Vek? :)


"You know, I think she liked me"

For some reason I think of Han Solo when I hear this line.

Second Part


Clouds were slowly drifting through the sky, like Dewbacks slowly meandering through the Jundland wastes.

I like the analogies you use. They help picture things better.


Ash hadn't been there for some time. But that'd change soon. Soon, he'd have credits, and lots of them. Forget visit, he could have a mansion! Anything, he could have it.

Fett must be a fortune teller to know that he's going to succeed. But I guess being a good hitman got to his head...


With that, Ash picked up a hydrospanner, and hit the side of his droid.

Calm down man!


"is this a private party, or can anyone come?"

Smiling, Ash lifted his head up to look at the newcomer

"Only the people I like" He replied to Miro

That would look GREAT on camera.


Ash hopped to his fett

:lol: !!



There we go. All in all the stories were very good. Those are what you can read and consider. I hope my criticism helps. Oh and HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF!

[Jedi Knight Leia Solo]

I've said it before.."Nice work Fett" and I have to agree w/Nichos...

HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF FETT!!

Ummm Liam:


why would he not feel guilty about staring at the other hot chick?

Liam..you are too much!! :lol: You know that?! lol

[ReaperFett]

If I were Vak and someone speaked to me like that in MY office, I would blast them. Always remember that your posts should be realistic and lifelike. People enjoy the reading experience if they can relate to a situation.
He needs the best, and realises Ash doesn't want to do it any more.


You could have elaborated on specific details of the man. And why did Vak assume you WOULD be going for him?
Because saying "If you take this, you will..." would sound silly :)

Also, specifics come in the brief a bit more


I would've thought a crime boss would've killed a lot more then 30 individuals with his own bare hands
Crime bosses would let others do it. 30 confirmed? How many did Al Capone have confirmed before he was arrested? Not many, if any at all.


Fett would have no remorse? As shown before he's a level head person. I believe he would have at least a bit of remorse or regret
Hes yet to show any remorse for killing drug lords and such forth. Why would he have remorse for killing a mass murderer?


Why would they go through all the trouble of setting a base and ferrying Fett there if they weren't sure it was Mar's center of operations? It's where THEY believe.

I bet all of around three people would know guarenteed where a good crime lords centre of operations would be


Vek?

Quiet you! :)


Calm down man!
Damn droid :)


That would look GREAT on camera.

That part was awful first draft. Glad you like it now :)


Ash hopped to his fett
DOH! :)

[ReaperFett]

-----
-----
The journey to the ice base was uneventfull. Ash spent most of the time trying to fix a malfunction in the storage hold, while Miro seemed to try her hardest to avoid him. Luckily, it wasn't too long travel time.

Landing in a small, empty hanger, Ash picked up his jacket and put it on, before heading to the landing ramp, where Miro was waiting, looking out into the bay.

"And I asked specifically for five star" He said, raising a slight smile from her.

As two headed down the ramp, a man came round the corner to greet them. Wearing a bright orange X-Wing flightsuit, and with short, centre parted hair and cleanly shaven face, he looked the sort of person you'd find on a New Republic recruitment poster. From the insignia he wore, Ash could see he was a Squadron leader of some sorts.

"Welcome to Delta Base. Ton Carvey" He said as he reached forward and shook Ash's hand.

"Ash Longbaugh" the hitman replied.

"And who's your......friend?" the pilot asked. Miro, looking annoyed, opened her mouth to speak, but Ash cut in.

"She just with me for the job"

"Miro Ton" She said, still not looking happy.

"I apologise. Anyway, Im in charge here. We have an X-Wing Squadon stationed here. When ol' Vak needs some fly boys, he comes to us. But don't worry, we haven't got anything planned, not that it affects you. You are completely seperate from us. The area you are in now, is all yours only. You have this hanger, a briefing room, a kitchen and two living quarters. There is one door into the main base, but you can lock it if you want. Is there anything else you need?"

"That will be all, thanks" Ash said. The pilot gave a quick nod, before leaving.

"Top or bottom?" Ash asked Miro

"What?"

"Living quarters" He said, pointing to two doors. "they are on top of each other. Would you like the top living quarters, or the bottom living quarters?"

"Oh, bottom"

"Okay" he said, heading back to the ship, and getting a small bag of clothing and the like. He could sleep on The Chainsaw if he wanted, but preferred not. He spent most of his time sleeping in there, and preferred to sleep in other places sometimes. The beds were hardly the comfiest in the Galaxy.

"I'm going now. Early start" He said

"What do you want, a goodnight kiss?"

"Well, I wouldn't say no. Are you offering?"

"Get over yourself" She said

"Why? It's so much fun on this side" He said, before leaving for his room.
-----

The next morning, Ash entered the kitchen, and made himeself a mug of Caff, to the strength setting of 'Lethal in large ammounts'. Slowly walking into the briefing room, he saw Miro, already sitting at the table waiting.

"Don't you sleep or something?" He asked, taking a seat.

"Not as much as you" she replied, before pausing while he took a drink of his drink. "So, what's the plan for today?"

"Scope the place out" he replied, still drowsy

"Just the HQ?"

"No, the entire surrounding area"

"Why? If he is on the planet, he'll be in there"

"Yes, HE will be. But what about his security? What about people he pays to watch his back?"

"Point taken. When do we go?"

"Once I've woken up"

"Whens that?" She asked

"Couple of hours or so" He said. Miro's eyes narrowed.

"Remind me again. Why did Vak ask you?" She said

"Tell me Miro, when was the last time you broke into an Imperial fortress, sneaked through the entire base, before killing the Commander in charge, before leaving, with not another person killed? Because, I have. And that's why I was asked. Because he isn't stupid. He knows this is a tough job. He knows only the best can complete it. So, he chose the best. Me"

She got up, and headed for the door.

"We'll leave in two hours" He called to her, before finishing his drink, and heading off to get another.

-----
-----

[ReaperFett]

Another short 'un. Just wanted to have the story at the stage where stuff happens

[Sanis Prent]

:) like the way its shaping up...gettin ready to case da joint :)

[Teka Kenobi]

..Did you really do that imperial base stuff? :)

[ReaperFett]

erm, well, I........not in text :)

[Liam Jinn]

I liked it Fett, you need to post more..more damn you!!

[Nichos Marr]

Landing in a small, empty hanger

But a few paragraphs after that, a man came around to greet them as they went down the ramp. You said the hangar was empty. It's good to elaborate and specify if you meant totally empty or empty of ships.


Ton Carvey & Miro Ton

Running out of names? :)


Oh and wouldn't Miro at least TRY to get along with Fett for the sake of the mission? You write her like Zahn writes Mara with Luke in Heir to the Empire :)

All in all, it was better then the first two IMHO.

[ReaperFett]

But a few paragraphs after that, a man came around to greet them as they went down the ramp. You said the hangar was empty. It's good to elaborate and specify if you meant totally empty or empty of ships.
Well, it WAS empty, then he came in :)


Running out of names?
Doh! was thinking of names, thought of Ton Phannan. Obviously, I did this twice and forgot :)


Oh and wouldn't Miro at least TRY to get along with Fett for the sake of the mission? You write her like Zahn writes Mara with Luke in Heir to the Empire
no, no no no NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I wrote like Zahn! I feel so unclean!
:)
I am going to use that in part 4, dont worry

[ReaperFett]

-----
-----
"Hey, where'd you want me to put this?" Ash asked the man standing near the holding bay.

"Anywhere round here. We'll move it later" he replied.

As he pushed the hoversled of cargo down the ramp of the shuttle, he looked slowly round the room, remembering every detail he saw. This'd be the best way to get in he thought, as he picked the boxes off the sled, and started heading back. This had been just what he needed, some degree of knowledge of the inside. And to think, it had all came from a lucky encounter...

Stepping out of The Chainsaw, Ash shut the ramp, and walked over to Miro, who was sitting on a box near the exit of the hangar, stopping slightly behind her.

"Listen, I'm sorry" he said.

"What for?" Came the reply, no emotion behind it.

"Me, basically. I know I've been acting like Grade A Sithspit with you, and I shouldn't. I'm here to do a job, not be social. I'll try to cut it out" As he said this, she turned to face him.

"What brought on this sudden change in you?"

"Me realising that professionals act professional"

"It's okay. It's not as if I've tried to be nice"

"Can we try to keep it more professional then?"

"Yeah, we can try" She replied, smiling.

"Come on then. Let's do some spying" Ash said, before heading out of the hangar, Miro following close behind.


The pairs snoooping round was pretty uneventful at first. Few possible plain clothes soldiers, one or two places where a sentry gun might be positioned, but nothing more than what you would expect. The two were about ready to head back, when Ash noticed two men come out of the Headquarters of Manday, and begin walking towards them. Both wore grey jumpsuits, with few badges or insignia on.

"Cargo haulers" Ash whispered to her

"Come on, I have an idea for how we can see some of the inside" She replied, before jogging off, with Ash keeping pace behind. Heading into an alleyway, she stopped him in his tracks.

"Wait here, you'll know what to do" She said, before walking to the corner of the alley, and leaning against the wall. As the two men passed, she gave a whistle to get their attention, before slowly walking back down the alley. The two men jogged down in pursuit. However, instead of being greeted by an attractive female, they were introduced to a metal pipe, courtesy of Ash Longbaugh. Dragging both into the darkness of a shadow, the two hitmen stripepd the men of their unifroms, and put them on. The two then slowly headed off in the direction of the Headquarters...


Walking up the ramp, Ash saw Miro, pushing another sled past. He gave a comforting smile to her, before carrying on. Hearing her sled stop moving, he turned round to see her standing, staring out of the hold. Following her view, he saw she had laid eyes on....Manday? It was him all right. He appeared to be just passing through. Watching him start leaving the room, Miro slowly unzipped her coverall, and pulled a small blaster out. She steadily brought it up to aim, and closed her eyes. Quickly, Ash grabbed her by the shoulders, and pulled her inside the ship before she could fire.

"What the Sith were you doing?" He asked, his voice fueled with anger.

"Trying to end this now" She replied, her voice wavering slightly.

"Not now. We can't make it now!" He continued, before calming down a little.

"Come on, let's get back to the ship, we've seen enough.

-----
-----

[Anbira Hicchoru]

I like the new conflict in her character :)

[Nichos Marr]

Great...Now for...Nichos' Thoughts:

You started part Four with a recon mission. I liked how you went back and explained how you got there. Very good.


"Hey, where'd you want this putting?" Ash asked the man standing near the holding bay.

Were you talking about pudding? :) That sentence doesn't sound right...


I know I've been acting like Grade A Sithspit with you

Acting? :)


when Ash noticed two men come out of the Headquarters of Manday, and begin walking towards them

That sentence could have used a bit more thought.


fe badges

Fe?


"Wait here, you'll know what to do" She said, before walking to the corner of the alley, and leaning against the wall. As the two men passed, she gave a whistle to get their attention, before slowly walking back down the alley. The two men jogged down in pursuit. However, instead of being greeted by an attractive female, they were introduced to a metal pipe, courtesy of Ash Longbaugh.

I'm assuming Fett has a telepathic link with Miro? How else would he know what to do.


the two hitmen stripepd the men

I would've used a better word then "hitmen" since Miro is a female.

Oh and this part is a tad cliche. Reminds me of Austin Powers I, when they switch costumes with those two scientists.


Following her view, he saw she had laid eyes on....Manday? It was him all right.

Nice :)


He appeared to just be passing through.

Take out just or put it in front of appeared.


All in all, Eber-err Nichos gives it *** out of **** stars.

[ReaperFett]

Were you talking about pudding? That sentence doesn't sound right...

Edited it

Acting?
Quiet you:)

That sentence could have used a bit more thought.
Spoke to you about that:)

Fe?
Edited, few

I'm assuming Fett has a telepathic link with Miro? How else would he know what to do.

Youre snooping round. Two people who are inside a place youll need to infiltrate come out. You are taken down a dark alley. She lures them in. I'd know what she meant :)

I would've used a better word then "hitmen" since Miro is a female.
The jobs a hitman. Hitperson sounds awful and madeup by some overly PC person. Assassin sounds cold blooded.

Oh and this part is a tad cliche. Reminds me of Austin Powers I, when they switch costumes with those two scientists.

Course its cliche. I'm sure Han and Luke did this too:)

Take out just or put it in front of appeared.
edited it

[ReaperFett]

-----
-----
Sitting down on the briefing room table, Ash Longbaugh took a long sip of his caff, before looking over some of the photo's from the days spying. He had been wearing a belt wihich had a small camera attatched. Every five seconds, it took a shot. He had found this to be the best way to get pictures from anywhere, just short of getting a live linkup to the security systems. Picking up a small marker, he made circles on the pictures of important things, such as escape routes, weak walls and possible hidden sentry guns. After a while, he had finished the full set that they had got. Finishing his drink and putting it in the cleaner, he headed back to his room.

As he got close, he stopped as he heard a noise. Very faint, very soft. Listening carefully, he realised it was coming from Miro's room. Is she...crying?. Slowly walking up to the door and seeing it was unlocked, Ash took a deep breath, and opened the door.

She was sitting on the end of her bed, her face in her hands. As the door clicked as it fully opened, she moved her face above them, revealing to Ash her red eyes. Slowly, he walked over, and sat down next to her. He went to say something comforting, bet he was stopped by Miro burying her head in his shoulder, tears still flowing. He gently put his arm on her shoulder, and resting his head on hers. The stayed like this for what seemed like an eternity, before Ash lifted his head.

"You want something to drink?" He asked, getting the reply of a slow nod. He gave her shoulder a squeeze, before heading off to the kitchen.

When he returned, he saw she was still sitting where she was, but the tears had finished. He handed her a mug, before sitting back next to her.

"I saw them" She said

"Who?"

"My family. I saw them killed by Manday"

"In a dream?" he asked. She nodded.

"I thought I was over it. I thought that the bad memories were over. But then I saw him. Walking, laughing, no cares in the world..."

"And it all came back" he interrupted, getting him another nod.

"I know how you feel" As he said this, her head shot up at him in anger.

"HOW would you know?" Her voice quiverring in anger.

"Well, finally catching up with the man who murdered the person you wanted to settle down with, while she was in your arms, that does sort of bring back bad memories, you know?" He replied, with no malice in his voice. Miro's face changed expression completely, from anger back to sadness.

"Oh......I'm sorry"

"It's okay. I know exactly how you feel. You feel there's noone in the world you can turn to. Noone who can help, know how you feel. But it's not true. There is always someone."

"Thanks" She said, forcing a slight smile. Ash glanced down at his chrono.

"Hey, we better get some sleep, it's getting so late, it's early. You going to be okay?" He asked.

"Yeah. Thanks"

He slowly got up, and gently kissed her forehead.

"Just remember, I'm here if you need me" He said, before slowly leaving the room, and heading to his own bed.

-----
-----

[ReaperFett]

closing this because of the Clanpages screwup (thanks guys!). Reposted now