Drowning in her sorrows..the failing of herself and Master..

[Xazor]

Xazor walked up to the guards at the door of the bar and offloaded her weapons as usual. She then entered quietly into the bar, hoping not many noticed her. She took a seat in the shadows at the back of the bar. She then laid her head on the table and let her emotions outpour. Tears flowed from her eyes and from her soul. She cried through the painful thoughts and words that rang through her head. The most common and frequent one being "You are not a Jedi! [/i] She couldn't take it and was now crumbling inside. Her life had been horrible lately. He boyfriend had taken off and now she was bringing shame to her Master. That was what topped it all. She loved her Master with all of her heart...........and now there was a distance between she and him.........

[Satine Capashen]

Satien was sitting at the bar, taking a sip of his klah, and feeling slightly depressed. He did not like what he did to Xazoe--his own sister for Christ's sake!--and he needed some time to think. Just as soon as these thoughts go through his head, he feels Xazor, and her sadness.

Well, time's up. Satine thinks to himself, waving the bartender over. He orders the kind of whiskey he knew Xazor liked, and, as the bottle thumps onto the, he grabs it, and walks over to Xazor's corner.

"Could you use a drink?" Satine asks, putting the bottle onto her table, a small attempt to start an apology. "For what it's worth...I'm sorry. We were only doing that because we don't want to see you fall."

[Elieen Cross]

There was a shadow that crossed the table where Xazor sat - a shadow belonging to a woman in red armour, helmet of an Imperial Guard under one arm and what looked like a blood smeared NRSF Assault Gun in the other hand. My Force Pike was slung to my back and my cape, also blood red swirled as a I came to stop in front of that table. My eyes took in the scene before i spoke, knowing that I had wanted to speak to the woman sitting at the table. My words were clipped and military in tone

"Jedi Padawan Xazor Kama. You and I have business. Please come this way"

[Xazor]

Xazor forces a smile at Alpha.

Sure........I'll take whatever you have........

She said, looking at the flask of whiskey. Suddenly a woman came to her table and spook.

Business.........alright.....

Xazor said, confusion washing over her face.

[Elieen Cross]

"Follow me"

I turned on my heel, clearly expecting the other woman to do as I had ordered.

[Xazor]

Yes, ma'am. Sorry Alpha.......

Xazor rose from her seat and followed the woman. She now recognized her as the Warrior Jedi, Elieen Cross. A small smile played on Xazor's lips as she wondered what her purpose was in this meeting.....

[Elieen Cross]

"I would not be smiling Jedi Padawan"

That would wipe the smile of her mouth. I had not even turned, but I sensed instead.

"You and I have something to talk about" I now began to walk, out the doors of the Bar and Grill, to the building across the street. This was a set of apartments that various NRSF officers were billeted at and in here was a room I had. I chose to take the stairs, walking up to the seventh floor, out into a corridor and then to the room maked 35. It had a proximity switch that responded to my bio scan, opening the door and going inside.

"Come inside and stand in the middle of the floor" I intructed.

[Xazor]

Xazor folded her hands at her waist and hide them in the sleeves of her robes. She was shaking with fear, a little, as Elieen spoke to her. She entered into the apartment and stood in the middle of the room as she was instructed. She knew it was disrespectful to speak out of turn, so she stood with no expression on her face as she looked into the eyes of the Warrior.

[Elieen Cross]

The helmet I placed on the bench next to the terminal I had, I then picked up a rag and began to clean the blood off the assault gun.

"Take a seat" I said "I will be with you in a moment"

The gun was unloaded, racked in my weapons magazine, and I went to get out of the armour, changing into a full length deep green dress I favoured. I also redid my hair to sit better. Pity I stunk of sweat - that I would deal with later.

I came out of room I had been changing in. I porbably looked a great deal different, not harsh and military, but a woman and not a Jedi.

Which was the whole point of this.

"In my years alive so far, which are a good deal more than the age I look, I've learned to read when someone is in need of...... well, A person to talk to. I know I often have"

"Talk to me. You have much on your mind. Dont speak as a Jedi, speak to me as the woman you are. Tell me what hurts you as I can see in your eys, you mind..."

I paused.

"And in your heart"

[Xazor]

Xazor's eyes fell to the floor and she sat down. She listened to Elieen's compassionate words and gathered her thoughts before she spoke.

Everything hurts right now...........

She paused a moment before continuing.

For some reason unknown to me, my beloved boyfriend has left me to go solve some problems of his own. I lost my Force brother to the darkside.......or something like that, and it looks hopeless to gain him back, and to top it all off, my past is haunting me; bringing anger into my life, my soul, and therefore I use it to fight.

She looked down at the floor again and sighed heavily.

I fear my Master hates me for what I have done. I love him with all of my heart and would die to make him proud........but now things are........different. I have people judging me everywhere I go.........I am comming to realize that I must not be a true Jedi........or at least cut out to be one.........

A tear escaped and she quickly brushed it away so she would not appear weak to this mighty warrior. She admired Elieen so much for she lived the life that Xazor longed for. Since she had come to the order a few months ago, she wished to be a Warrior Jedi..............but now that dream has been quickly crushed under the pressures and downfalls of herself.....................

[Elieen Cross]

There wasn't much I could say. Except to sit alongside the young woman who must be torn up inside, put my arms around her and give her the comfort of a woman who understodd completely what she must be going through.

"It's okay to cry Xazor... I'm not going think less of you" I said quietly in her ear "I've cried mysellf to sleep so many times myself that I cant count anymore. Let it out sister... dont hold back. Hold your pain inside will only make it worse and rot you from the inside"

[Xazor]

At her words, a torrent of tears poured out from Xazor's eyes.........they were not merely drops of water, but were soul deep. She cried and let out everything emotion at that moment.

I hate who I have become and I want to make it right!

She spoke through her tears. Her heart was broken......crushed on the floor and ready for anyone to walk on it. She ached from the inside out as she thought of how dissappointing she was to her Master.

He deserves better than me.........

She placed her hands over her eyes and cried hard into them, releasing more emotion as the minutes passed.

[Elieen Cross]

"You dont disappoint me - your a woman, you have emotions. It might be a Jedi's lot to not have emotions, but and I well know that's not possible at times"

Too well I knew that.

"Tell me when your ready... we'll talk"

Until then, I knew her emotions needed to flow without stop

[Xazor]

Xazor cried for a few more minutes and then began to calm down again. She dried the tear streaks from her face and looked at Elieen.

Okay.......I can talk again.......

She said with a bit of confidence.

[Elieen Cross]

I smiled at the other.

"I dont know your full name or where you came from"

[Xazor]

My full name is Xazor Leo Kama.......I come from the planet Cysaria. It is a beautiful planet.......but not the people who inhabit it......

She said as her eyes fell to the floor once more. She blocked out the painful memories and focused on the conversation she was having here and now.

[Elieen Cross]

"No Xazor... while your here with me, dont block anything. I can sense you tried. Let go of it all and dont hold back.

And I am Helenias Q'Dunn, not Elieen. That's only a name I use to hide whom I really am and who I could be related to. I come from a planet named Arda that is so far from here, only two others like me have ever come this far. It's a dry, barren heavy gravity wasteland.... but it still my home."

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded at smiled gently as Elieen spoke openly of her home.

I cannot accept Cysaria as my home.........it is inhabited mostly by the Sith. It is a branch of the Sith Empire. I was taken away from my parents when I was two years old and handed over to Sith Master Lord Kama. He saw something in me before I could even speak or walk.......he trained me......I endured cruel beatings and mind warpings. He trained me to the rank of Sith Warrior Knight. I went to war........I killed so many people.......innocent people........that it became nothing to me. I didn't even think twice while I took the life of another. I was commended for my victories for the Sith....and I was given this.

Xazor removed her upper robe and exposed her left bicept. On it was a tattoo.....

It was given to me by my Sith Master himself.......an extremely great honor to have.......then anyway. I cannot remove it for it's encrypted in my skin.....in my blood.

She sighed heavily. A few tears dropped from her eyes.

I wanted to know more about the Jedi......the "other side" that he seldomly spoke of. They had every characteristic that I lacked.......and I craved it. I smuggled some books about them onto the planet and read in my chambers every night. One day, my Sith Master was there waiting for me.......he threw me to my knees and threatened to kill me. So I lowered my head in submission.......instead, he slashed me with his saber.

She turned her other arm to Elieen and showed her a massive scar across her right bicept.

He left with the words, "You will always be aware of my presence......and those of my kind.". That night, I flew off of Cysaria on his X-Wing, which I now call "Escape". The Force lead me here......to my freedom.

She said, a sigh of relief breathed from her soul as a few more tears fell onto her cheeks.

[Elieen Cross]

I was quiet as I listened to Xazor's story. One filled with hardship and pain.

"My father was an Imperial, as was his father, who served Palpatine directly. He was an Imperial Royal Guard, who escaped only because he was ordered elsewhere. My father was trained to be like him, but died early - and I as the only child, I was trained instead. The armour I have is part of my heritage - the Guardsmen are not evil, they have a great deal of honour and are fanatical to the ideals of The Empire. I am in a way too. Innocent's blood we will never spill. Even if I am sensitive to the Force, I have never been on the Dark Side. In some odd ways, I have always been a Jedi, even if for the longest time, I detested them.

My Grandfather hated me. He wanted a grandson, for women are seen as lower than dirt to an Imperial like him. And also, my mother was an alien, which my father did not know. My Grandfather found out when he came to get me after my father's death. But he also loved me, for I was idealistic, far stronger than a human, subtle, quick witted and I could touch the Force. I learned to fight, to scheme, to plot and to destroy if warranted. I became his finest weapon, a crowning jewel in his schemes to rebuild The Empire. For many years, I was his student, then I surpassed him.... and he finally became proud of me. Decrepit old man, but I am fond of him too

Years passed,I worked to bring back the Empire. I eventually came to a plnet named Harrvi, where I was to assasinate for a supporter of ours, a Dark Jedi whom had gone to ground and we suspected was a traitor.... what I didnt know was that our supporter, a hag named Callista, was to unleash a wave of monsters that consumed the planet entirely.... and while I was trying to escape that hooror, I cam e across the Dark Jedi I was supposed to kill. We teamed up and helped whom we could escape. Because I realised the hag was truly evil, I stayed my hand when I did have the chance to kill the Dark Jedi. His name was Venom..... he became known as Darth Turbogeek and then my husband, Marcus Q'Dunn. He was killed three months later."

I could hardly believe how matter of factly I said that. Just, it was like a cold knife in my heart still.

"I wandered after that, until impossibly, Darth Turbogeek turned up at this very Jedi order. An imposter, a clone of the true man. I did what I could to stop this clone. For years, I fought him and the Jedi.... I even at one ppint struck a blwo that demolised their Temple ofn Coruscant.... I have defeated the best the Jedi have had.... even Turbogeek has felt my blade trying for his life. That is the way things were until Turbogeek went mad as clones do and was thankfully killed by a Bounty Hunter. I found that clones ashes and I spat on them.

The Bounty Hunter was a disgused NR General, James Tohmahawk. He was the one who created the NRSF and lead it. For about 18 months, I have been working with him. In that time, I had been allowing my Imperail tendancis to slip and I could well of joined the NR with him leading.... I felt attracted to him in a way I could not explain. I studied the Jedi arts more...... I was happy"


I paused.

"I had wished it would have stayed like that. But fate dealt me the cruelest blow of all..."

Tears were in my eyes and a sob came to my throat. The pain was till far, far to sharp and focused.

"... I only realsied after thegeneral was... ambushed and killed....He wasn't Tohmahawk.... He was...."

I just broke down and began to cry. Through my sobs, there were only a few more words..

" He was my Marcus.....I never.... knew.... until to late...."

[Xazor]

Tears filled Xazor's eyes and fell as Elieen finished her story. She didn't feel alone anymore.....finally there was someone who understood real pain. Xazor reached her arms around the woman and cried with her as she released all of her emotions.

I too lost the one I love.........

Xazor said between tears of pain.

I have lost so many in my life.........for a while, it didn't seem worth living.

She cried more after thinking of all the bad fortune she had, until she came to the Jedi.......

[Elieen Cross]

Even in my tears, I reached out and grasped Xazor's hand.

"I know how you feel. I didn't want to continue either.... but your not alone Xazor..... your not alone....."

[Xazor]

Xazor took Elieen's hand in her own and cried along with her. They had something so deeply in common, that it formed a bond between the two women. They were on very common ground.

There are still times.......when I feel like the galaxy would be better off without me.........but then I remember what I am living for. There are only a few people right now that make me feel worth more than dirt.

She cried more as she thought of Alpha and Verse, the two that she loved with all of her heart......the two that had saved her from falling..........the two that make her strive to live on, everyday......

I overcame it, though......somehow........maybe it was the dream in my heart to become a warrior and fight for justice and serve peace throughout the galaxy.......or maybe it was just some strength I find in the eyes of my Master........

She said through her tears as they cascaded down her cheeks and landed in a soft puddle at her knees.

[Aura Allei]

Aura Allei entered the bar, motioning over to take a seat in the far corner. She nodded to Eileen and Xazor as they left the bar, and felt distress beaming from their proximity. She was immediately apprehended by a Guard as he asked her for her weapons. Aura never liked being disarmed, yet she offered him her saber hilt to avoid any unpleasantries. As she turned to walk away, he grabbed her shoulder.

"And the other one."

She frowned as he noticed her spare hilt sequestered at the adverse side of her belt. Very few knew she was accomplished with two sabers, but she rarely used them in spars. With a sigh, she relinquished the second weapon.

Her eyes widened at the crimson armor enshrouding Eileen, as her cloak billowed in her wake. Aura was trained with a Force Pike in the NWOL as a Knight, and was intrigued she resembled a Royal Guard. She heard stories of their battles in the Squall. Only the best stromtroopers were considered for a Royal Guard; for their size, strength, loyalty, and skills.

She lofted a brow and orderd some white wine, traversing back to her memories at a time of conflict and endless strife. Aura was not one to lose her emotions. Being a hardened warrior, stripped her of that ability. She stifled emotions into the back woods of her mind, which eventually would explode into a sizable volcanic outburst. The assault by Sith Master Jedah Lynch, only complicated matters in her delicate faculty. She was considered hard, and unfriendly, yet the furthest was from the truth. Aura yearned to acquire her past as a Knight, and procure the holes in her conscious pilfered by the Sith Master.

[Elieen Cross]

"I know.... that's why I came here. I dont want to be alone anymore, I dont want to just.... have nothing. I want to be what my husband eventually became and what he stood for. He was a Jedi right here as well. It's his memory that wants me to be a Jedi now. It's bitter and hard when I see reminders of him around here, but it also drives me on. I want to defend the Galaxy against the evil that took his life. You can understand that, yes?"

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and wiped the tears from her face.

I can more than understand. That is why I am a Jedi today.......and have the desire to live everyday.

She said, wiping a few of Helenias's tears away.

[Elieen Cross]

I had to smile as she wiped the tears. It was a gentle and caring gesture I appreciated.

"I never had friends in my life before the Jedi. I always had allies and supporters in my work, but never friends"

I stood up.

"Thnak you. At least someone knowing and sharing what I'm going through, it helps a lot. Would you like a cup of something?"

[Xazor]

She smiled and rose to her feet.

Sure, I would enjoy that a lot........

She said in a soft voice as she brushed a few stray hairs from her face.

[Elieen Cross]

"one moment then. I have a blend of tea somewhere around here that is most enjoyable. It's scent will bring back good memories of happier times.... or at least it does with me"

A minute later, I came back with two steaming mugs, the aroma already filling the room. I placed both on my table, before taking a seat.

"One thing I was told years ago is that you can never speak or think of sad things when sharing a tea"

[Xazor]

Xazor smiled and nodded. She took the warm mug into her hands and smelled the rich aroma that flowed from it.

I agree.......let us not speak of the harder times.........how about the future?

She said with a brighter smile than she had displayed all evening.

[Elieen Cross]

"Yes, the future"

I took a seat, facing opposite the younger woman
"I understand you wish to become a Warrior Jedi, yes?"

[Xazor]

Xazor smiled brightly and nodded.

Yes ma'am......that is my dream. I do wish with all of my soul to become a Warrior Jedi and serve the Light faithfully with everything that I am.

Xazor said, bowing her head slightly and looking into Helenias's eyes as her own glowed with joy.

[Elieen Cross]

I had to smile

"There are times that I wished you were my student. You have much potential Xazor Kama. You have the opportunity to do yourself and your Master proud if you hold onto being a Jedi"

I sighed.

"I do wish my husband lived to meet you. He would have taken a lot of pleasure from training you to be a Warrior much like he was"

[Xazor]

Xazor blushed slightly and smiled.

I too wish that could have been so.......though, my Master is wonderful. I could not have picked a better person to train me....

She said with pride. She had learned so much in her training and was still learning so much.

[Elieen Cross]

"Does your Master know much of the Warrior arts?"

[Xazor]

She nodded and smiled.

Yes.......I believe so. I wish for him to train me as a Warrior.....but I did not think it appropriate for me, as a padawan, to ask.

She said quietly. She knew her Master would be training students as Warriors soon........she hoped that he could incorporate these teachings into her present training.

[Elieen Cross]

"Who is your Master?"

[Xazor]

Verse Dawnstrider.......

Xazor said with pride. She thought it an honor just to speak his name and had no shame in showing how much respect she had for him.

[Elieen Cross]

Verse. Amn idea was forming in my mind. While Xazor was being well trained in the Jedi arts, she would need more. Verse was a good Jedi, but he hadn;'t seen the types of battles I had been in.

"If you really want to be a Warrior Xazor, I can help you. With tyour Master's permission, would you like to come with me when I next go with the NRSF? It may be invaluable experience for you"

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled brightly.

It would be quite an honor for me, ma'am. Yes, I would love to go if it pleases my Master.

She said with joy showing through her eyes. She really desired to become a Warrior.....and now it looked like her dreams would become a reality.

[Helenias QDunn]

OOC : And this is where I scratch my my head wondering what next. Any suggestions or do you want to just say talked for hours into the night, etc?

[Xazor]

ooc: I don't know.......hmm......we can say we talked hours into the night I suppose...... <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/image/emoticons_classic/smile.gif ALT=":)">

[Elieen Cross]

OOC : Okay, I'll end it off with a post tomorrow. Thank you for the RP!

[Xazor]

ooc: Alright! Thank you for the RP also......<img src=http://www.ezboard.com/image/emoticons_classic/smile.gif ALT=":)">

[Elieen Cross]

For the longes time, they stayed up talking, discussing. It was daylight by the time both decided to go to bed, Xazor leaving with a smile and a renewed hope, myself falling onto my bed with the first glimmering there was more in life for me.

A greater world and a purpose. My place I belived would be to help bring about the the cherished dream of Marcus, to create A Jedi Order like that of old, to create something that would shimmer in the Darkness and bring light to all.

It was the last thought I had as I went to sleep. It was nearly 11 long years since I had wedded Marcus.

10 since I lost him the first time

3 months when he was taken again, before I could tell him I had lived.

Whatever tomorrow had in store, I did not know. But maybe, I would not have to live totally alone.

------

Skip forward fove days and this continues <a href=http://www.swforums.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=12227>HERE</a>

[Xazor]

.