The act of opening up. (completed)

[Azhure Darkstone]

:<img src=http://www.thegjo.com/forum/smileys/biglaugh.gif ALT=":D"> uring her time here she had found a calmness around these walls, this air. A place where it was easier to trust and feel a sense of knowledge that you could be yourself and not be used. Not be used like someone who had much to offer but got sucked dry by vulturous 'friends'.
Perhaps it was time to open up a lot more, perhaps it was time to open up to a few more people and find a place in friendship and belonging. Maybe this hadnt been a mistake to come here...accept for one thing. She put that to the back of her mind and walked around the hall, opening the door to the beginning of the jungle land, and closed her eyes allowing herself to feel a little at peace. To be a jedi you must be calm and kind, you must be open to others and let the dark past behind. How hard would it be to open up fully? what would they think of her if they knew the truth? That sehw as a killer, wanted in many planets, using different names. Some of the most wanted criminals for horrific murder had been her. How would she deal with that? THis place had belonging, but it also forced her to deal with what she had done. She wanted to eb a jedi and save those lives she could not save before, and repay what could not be repaid::

How do I open up when I have this in my mind, how can a murderer become a jedi without going mad?

::They would hand her over surely, give her to the legal system to be torn and scraped to pieces, clawing into her mind until she had no sense of self left, she had seen it. In prison she had seen it many times. Poor figures of nothingness, existing in four walls for the rest of their lives, existing on drugs that kept them in 'control' and stopped them from doing anything 'stupid', from saving themselves of a life of misery. Frell, if she was in that situation she'd do the same thing, especially in the jails of the Hutts. Escaping from one had been hell alone::

Do I go or do I stay and let them take me to become a senseless..a senseless whatever my race is.
I cant pretend to be just what they think I am so far...it'll come out one day.

[Xazor]

Xazor was on her way to her room when she passed a door that caught her attention through the Force. Someone inside was pacing and questioning herself. She backed up and turned around, her robes flowing about her like an ocean wave. She knocked lightly on the door and then stood with her hands behind her back, speaking through the Force.

Hello? Are you alright?

Xazor asked concerned. She could feel the presence nearing the door. She then scanned the aura and gathered that it was Azhure Darkstone, whom she had sparred with once. Xazor felt her worried heart and wondered what could be wrong.

Azhure, it's me Xazor.....can I come in? Please?

She asked in a soft voice, hoping that she could help her.....

[Saharia]

OOC: Dang name change. sorry

::Azhure did not turn around, she recognized the voice from the spar. Xazor. She looked up for a second, breaking her thought pattern::

How? One voice cannot constitute for a thousand lives.

::OH how that was true, doing good could not constitute for the bad already done::

[Azhure Darkstone]

(ill add on with the good name)

::She sighed, feelling like she had red droplet on the ground, and wiping the image from her eyes::

sure, come in.

[Xazor]

Xazor gently pushed the door open and walked in to find Azhure who's expression told the whole story.

Tell it to me sister....

She said gently as she sat down next to her.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::She looked at Xazor, tell her? and then she would decide she hated her::

Sometimes you do things and you think they are what you are supposed to do, you were told you were born to do it. You have the talent to be the angel of death.
Then you find you cant take it anymore, your conciounce cant take it because your around nice people and you have to face up to what you are. Marian has to face up to what she's done. Jade has to face up to what shes done. All those women who are really is one person have to face up to the truth. Do you know those names? What would you think of that person?

::she looked at Xazor, waiting for that expression::

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled gently as she laid a hand on Azhure's shoulder.

Yes.....I know those names and I know exactly what you are talking about. I too had to come to face my past......who I used to be. It was hard at first.....but I did it.......

She said softly.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::Azhure looked at Xazor questioningly, a bit of vunrability in her eyes::

How? So many people. Learning to not be as cold about the dead is hard...dark drops everywhere.
They never knew your real name, but you hear them calling to you, by your real name.

::And what would the jedi masters do, take her to the law system to be trialed and to pay for those crimes. Then another question seeped into her mind::

How would you know?

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and sighed.

My past is so dark that you could bring torches to it and never get a peep of light......

She said, lowering her head a bit. She then looked right into Azhure's eyes and spoke from her heart.

I too was a killer. I killed so many people........so many innocent souls........that after a while of doing it, the thought of how wrong it was never crossed my mind. It never effected me. I would do my "job" and then go home. I too hear them in my dreams.....in my mind when I am training. Though, now that I am a Jedi, I have come to peace with the Force and have gotten peace of my own. Though I cannot replace what I took........I shall serve the Light for the rest of my life and be grateful everyday that I am alive and that I can save lives now........

She said smiling with reassurance.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::Azhure laughed vacantly and shook her head::

If the guild ever found me, they'd kill me.

::She looked at Xazor directly::

I hope one day I find what you have, someday the voices stop. You know the funny thing? My brother told me one day this would happen but I didnt believe him. When I came home with that tattoo...Things were never the same.
Ever seen your brother murdered? That opens your eyes about murder, you see a new light.
But even when you see how it feels, you still keep going.

::Why was she telling Xazor this, she didnt know, but someone finally understood what it was to be a proffessional killer::

I'm a proffessional killer, wanted through out the galaxy. I dont care for live, shouldn't but I do. I slit the throats of many and most with their eyes open, erect. Shocked.
Im surprised master Warren took me in without asking anything about me. It's funny how things work.

If there is truely redemption then I will galdly take it, but I cant do it alone...Not now that he's gone.

::This was insane, why was she asking help from someone she barely knew. This was the very thign she had been trained not to do, the very thing. And yet she was doing it::

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded sympythetically.

I will help you. You can trust me and count on the fact that I shall stand with you......The Jedi are a people of love.......regardless of one's past deeds. As dark as they come.......they are accepted here.

She said with reassurance.

[Azhure Darkstone]

AS dark as they come? Pretty accepting here.

::What if someone was past salvation, what would they do? surely not every person who came here from a dark past ended up a jedi, at least not ones that give up.
Either way she might have found a way to get some peace if it ever was achieved...::

Thank-you Xazor, as much as I hate to admit I think I might need to draw on that support sometimes.

::That hurt to admit, but as long as they were being honest. She was vaugely aware of what had happened at the bar, and reminded herself never to get drunk purposely or at least tell someone to stop her from drinking too much. What if she had gotten angry now that she had some grasp on the force::

Whatever happens, if I'm going to kill someone or I am past saving. Kill me. I would rather die than become nothing but a vessel of hate.

[Xazor]

Xazor shook her head.

You shall not kill or become a vessel of hate. You are a Jedi.......

The last words seemed to hang in the air for a moment, almost like you could reach out and touch them. She smiled reassuringly.

I could never kill anyone again........especially a friend. It is a stain to your soul and a transgression against the Force. You are learning much about the Force, Azhure.......you are training well. I think you shall overcome your past......overcome your obstacles. I know you will......and do not hesitate to call on me for comfort......advice......strength.....whatever you may need, I shall be here for you.....

She said quietly. She placed a gentle, comforting hand on Azhure's shoulder and smiled.....offering her a sort of confidence in her own strength.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::Become a jedi, how when you hold so much anger towards yourself moe than anyone else, but strength seem to flow just the same. Enough to let erself feel the emotion that wanted to come out. Enough to let out the pain that was clogged up. Enough to let the tears that hurt and tears that heal out. Perhaps this was a a start.

Perhaps, but for now she let it out for a breather, the anger at losing her brother, the anger at what her 'mother' made her become, the anger of now knowing who her parents were or what race she was, doing somehtign that had not been done for a long long time::

[Xazor]

Xazor heard Azhure's thoughts racing through her mind. She closed her eyes and sent a comforting wave through her with the Force. She smiled and spoke softly.

Azhure.......do not worry so much. In time, many questions shall be answered.....but right now....take comfort in knowing that you are a Jedi....that you are accepted into the greatest league of beings in the entire universe......

She spoke with confidence....something she didn't have until she came to the Jedi Order four months ago. Xazor had made some serious progress.....and was hoping for the same thing for her friend.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::She just sta there, not knowing how long. But she opened her eyes again, and looked at the woman who ahd called her friend. Felling a little pitiful at crying she was disgusted at herself, but it felt better for some reason::

I needed that. Thank-you.

::A genuine smile raced on her lips before dissapearing again onto the usual smile. She checked to see if anyone else had seen her break down and was relieved to see none::

In hard times, I think I will value friends. It feels strange..

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled.

You'll get used to it......trust me. The Jedi somehow make you open up more....make you see things in a different way. It is strange at first....but it really helps.

She said confidently.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::it was strange, she was right. She nodded and looked around. She felt strange, needed to be centred. Needed to think abotu what just happened::

Well, I think I might look around the forest for a bit.. just to..
Thank-you for your hand of friendship.

::She nodded, feeling somewhat wierdly cheerful that she would find a familiar friendly face in the crowds now::

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled brightly.

Anytime.......I'm here for you, friend.

She said softly with a smile.

[Azhure Darkstone]

::azhure smiled, and walked into the forest, feelign strange. The heart was different, would she ever be able to kill mercilessly again. Would they come for her again? No.
No, the jedi were here. perhaps she could find peace.::