Proven worthless once again......

[Xazor]

Xazor slammed the door shut and locked it. She took her sword off of her back and laid it on her bed, then collapsed on the floor. She felt absolutely worthless as she laid there, sobbing. She didn't care who heard her, for her heart truly ached. The meeting (http://pub56.ezboard.com/fgjofrm2.showMessage?topicID=1655.topic) that she just had, did not go very well......it had gone terribly. She truly felt crushed and her heart was broken because of her past.....again, it haunted her. Now she was in trouble........how this life was so cruel to her, she did not know. She just laid there and sobbed with a pounding head ache.

[Navaria Tarkin]

Navaria stood outside of Xazor's quarters debating on whether or not to ring the door chime. She could feel how upset she was over what had happened and it was why the Knight was here.

After what had happened, Navaria was determine to speak to both Soolin and Xazor. Each one of them acted inappropriately.

Soolin had left before Navaria could speak to her, something that was going to be rectified soon. Xazor had not left yet and Navaria spoke her mind and stood by what was said.

The wave of emotional distress that had hit her as the young Knight left hit her strongly... unlike Soolin. Soolin hid her pain well after she had calmed down. Xazor did not and took her scolding the wrong way. It was to be a lesson in restraint, which she did not show.. Not Navaria thinking she was worthless.

The questions in her mind and possible outcomes of this confrontation was washed away quickly with a deep breath, and then she hit the door chime.

[Xazor]

Xazor stopped in mid-sob for a moment when she heard the chime ring at the door. Her heart lept into her throat at the sound of it, and she quickly wiped the tears off of her face, and from her eyes. She waved her hand and used the Force to unlock the door. With a quick sniffle, she spoke in a raspy voice.

Come in......if you want to.......

She called as loud as she could. Her voice was soft, but loud enough for the visitor to hear. She placed a shaky hand on her sword and grabbed it, placing it on her lap then leaning against the end of her bed, waiting for the stranger to come in. A few more tears escaped, but she quickly wiped them away. Her eyes were blood-shot and red, evidence that she had been crying for quite some time.....

[Navaria Tarkin]

The door swooshed opened and Navaria stepped inside, hands folded before her.

Navaria noticed right away Xazor's emotional state. She was trying to hide how much she'd been crying and from this distance, Navaria couldn't see how red Xazor's eyes were. Being empathic because of the body she was in, Navaria could inherentantly feel her distress.

She wasn't happy that she was part of the reason Xazor was like this, but Xazor didn't listen to her either. It was important for a Jedi to be in control of their emotions and Navaria really wanted Xazor to meditate and reflect on what happened, hopefully calming herself.

That was indeed not the case. Navaria wondered if she would be making matters worse in coming here....

"Xazor."

She began, nodding her head in respect.

"I wanted to talk with you ... but if you aren't up for it, I'll understand."

A frown formed on her face.

"... or, if you don't wish to speak to me either in general... I'll understand that too. I just wanted to make sure if you were alright."

[Marcus QDunn]

OOC : Do ye mind if I drop in on this thread for a bit?

[Navaria Tarkin]

OOC~ If you mean, can you post in this thread with us .. duh.. of course <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/image/emoticons_classic/smile.gif ALT=":)"> I don't mind ^_^

[Marcus QDunn]

His sleep was disturbed.

Blinking in the darkness of his room that he had a few days ago resumed, he sat up, wondering what had made him wake up. It didnt take him long - he could feel strong emotions coming off Xazor and it felt like she was upset. He yawned, shrugging off sleep. He was dressed in his usual travelling clothes, stained and battered. He had fallen aspleep fully clothed last night....

A quick change into a dark blue shirt, pants and boots, with a dark blue cloak, he stepped out inot the hallway, looking up and down the hall to make sure the area was deserted - he still didnt want to be known and observed. So far barely a handful of Jedi knew he even existed and only really Xazor understood who he was. Moving down the hall silently, he came up to Xazor's door. It was open, so he just stepped inside, unannounced....

And nearly walked into another woman who seemed to be speaking to Xazor. She was shorter than Marcus, dark haired and seemed.... familiar.

"Oh.... my apologies. I was not aware someone else was here" He said in his soft and oddly accented voice.

[Xazor]

Xazor looked up, surprised to see Navaria standing there. Her eyes quickly darted away from the woman, and instead, fell to the sword in her lap.

I don't care....talk to me if you wish.

Xazor said, her voice faint and the effort to speak was only half heartedly. Suddenly, she felt the presence of someone extremely familiar. Looking up, she heard his voice and saw his face. A slight smile decorated her lips for a moment and then faded just as it had come.

Greetings my friend...

She bowed her head in respect to the Jedi Master as he stood there.

Please stay here with me....

She spoke in his mind, secretly afraid of what Navaria was going to say to her. She knew that she had done wrong by becomming angry, but she had extremely good reason to defend herself. In her eyes, that was all that she had done...

[Navaria Tarkin]

She was about to begin but was interrupted by a stranger. Never before had she laid eyes on this man but there was a certain aura about him that was powerful and unique.

Obviously, he and Xazor knew each other by the look that was exchange and by her calling him a friend. Also, something unsaid passed between them as well. Navaria didn't know what but one didn't need the Force to know it was probably something about why the Knight was here to see Xazor.

Navaria might not have meet ever single Padawan, Jedi or Master of the Order, but with being on the Council ... she knew them all by name and description.

This man didn't fit anything that she had heard or read.

"It's all right. My name's Navaria Tarkin."

She bowed her head in greeting.

[Marcus QDunn]

Navaria Tarkin...? Running thrugh his memory, the name clicked. Here he was, undisguised and unprepared to meet with one of the Jedi on the Council. He was about to tell her he was named Strider, when he realised he was sick of hiding and keeping to shadows. Tired of using false names and identities. He responded to Tarkin's bow with a small bow of his own.

"Hail thee and well met Navaria Tarkin. My name is Marcus Q'Dunn. I am a friend of Xazor and I felt her distress in the Force and came here to find out what was causing such strong emotion. I sense you have never heard my name before - well it is hard to explain but there is a Jedi from times gone that you would that was my name once."

He bowed once again.

"I served the Jedi Council once before as Darth Turbogeek"

[Xazor]

Xazor sat quietly on the floor, tears still dripping from her eyes and running down her cheeks. She kept her eyes on Marcus, he was a comfort to her....just his presence was.

Thank you for coming over.....

She spoke in his mind, as if they were his own thoughts. She tried her best to avoid looking at Navaria as the two conversed.

[Navaria Tarkin]

She felt her eyes grow a tad bigger because what Navaria had heard was simply ... unbelievable.

"But ..."

Closing her eyes briefly for a moment, Navaria took control of her surprise. The only times that she had met the infamous Darth Turbogeek was when she and Dalethria were one and the same.

Needless to say, this scruffy looking fellow with the long dark hair and manner of dress did not look like him. It was the aura that Navaria had sensed previously that started to feel familiar... but as if she was feeling it herself for the first time.

Her eyes shifted to Xazor. What Navaria had to say to her was not forgotten. The more she thought about it, perhaps it was a good omen that Marcus was here since they were friends...

... but now to focus on what the Knight had just learned.

"It is an honor to meet you like this Marcus Q'Dunn."

That sentence held more meaning then one would think...

"But, forgive me for being blunt in saying that the reports of your death were obviously misleading."

[Marcus QDunn]

He was getting the feeling he had met this woman before. Or someone very similar. He scanned bacnk in his memory while he spoke in reply.

"No, not quite. Darth Turbogeek is indeed dead. I left the Council and a clone of myself took my place. The Turbogeek the council eventually knew in the end was nothing more than a lab grown experiment. It failed. I killed the clone two years ago when he went insane and was becoming more of a threat than an asset. So in a very real way, Darth Turbogeek really is dead and it is better to leave it that way"

He paused, a smile coming over his face.

"It's a rather long story and the reasons are many and complex and not easily explained. I would not have come back here if it was not for Xazor anyway and for that I am grateful. I see much has changed since I was forced to leave. Much things I like. And.... could you satisfy my curiousity? You seem familiar to me. But you were not a Jedi before I left...?"

[Xazor]

Xazor blushed slightly when Marcus said that he wouldn't have come back if it were not for her. No matter, though, you could not see the flush of her face for it was already crimson from crying. Her eyes mirriored the color of her skin, bloodshot and red. She glanced up at Navaria and then looked away, trying to find something to focus on. She finally met the gentle eyes of the Jedi Master....and that is where she kept her gaze.

Marcus....something about my past came up, and Navaria is here to scold me once again. Please don't leave....I am afraid...

She said in his mind. She knew that fear was of the darkside..but she did not care about her feelings right now, she couldn't help it. She trembled slightly as her hand rested on her sword in her lap, as she leaned against the foot of the bed. The tension in the room seemed to build...and it was awkwardly uncomfortable.

[Navaria Tarkin]

The small taste of Marcus' history lesson was indeed an honor, but also it helped Navaria to understand. Of course, there was always more to the story. Jedi never did tell the whole story when it came to personal details ...

It also didn't surprise Navaria that Marcus was curious about her. A trained Jedi would pick up that she was a clone right away .. at least in body ... Others that knew of her face... well ..

"Another story that is long and the reasons behind my own story are complex as well."

Strangely, she wasn't sure if Xazor knew about her "other half". Now was a good as time as ever.

"This body is a clone but my mind is true. The original body is held by the one known as Dalethria. A creation of mine as a young child to take away all my pain, anger and hatred in my mind...

To go into detail would take forever as I said but myself and Dalethria were in the same mind for a quite some time until we were split into two separate bodies.

It seems that you have run across my darker half...."

Once again, something was spoken between them. Navaria could sense fear strongly eminating off of Xazor.... Perhaps it was not a good idea coming here after all if Xazor wasn't really open to Navaria being here ...

[Marcus QDunn]

"Yes, I have heard of Daletheria before. Never actually met her, but my clone did. I did however make a point of keeping myself aware of all known Force users and what they could do, just in case. I would kove to speak more of this... but first I sense that there is a need to talk. I sense.... that Xazor is afraid of you Navaria Tarkin. One Jedi should not be fearful of another, not for any reason. Please, both of you sit down with me"

His tone of voice was such was that it was not a request. He too a seat at a table, waiting for Navaria and Xazor to also do so.

"Now..... what is this about?"

[Xazor]

Xazor lowered her head, cursing in her mind for even telling Marcus she was afraid. Now Navaria knew and it would bring more of a scolding for having "feelings of the darkside". She sighed and reluctantly brought herself to sit at the table with them. She tied her weapon back in place on her back, allowing the hilt to remain visible close to her head as it was before. She sighed and rested her elbows on the table, in turn resting her head in her hands. She would not move her eyes to Navaria or Marfcus, but instead, focused on the Cypress table top.

If you wish to speak, do so. I am open and willing to share whatever you wish to know. After today, I am sure that the whole galaxy is aware that I am....was, a killer. So speak to me of my murderous past if you will.....someone has already denied me because of it. Do you wish to do the same?

She questioned, finally looking up at both of the other Jedi. She sighed, shaking her head slightly and resting it back in her hands. When she had come to the Greater Jedi Order everyone had accepted her...or so she thought. It was a hard blow to her to have someone deny her new change...it hurt her heart and now she ached deeply inside....

[Marcus QDunn]

OOC : PS - I'm waiting for Nav to post next. Dis be okay?

[Xazor]

ooc: Yes, that is fine! <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/image/emoticons_classic/smile.gif ALT=":)"> I was waiting for her too!

[Navaria Tarkin]

Navaria sat down and sighed lightly. Xazor obviously took Soolin's anger to be her's as well.

"Xazor... if I wished to deny you who you are, I would not have come here to talk about what happened. I have served with you on different campaigns and believed in you when you were Knighted. I have no quarrel with you at all. I only hold concern. The outburst by both you and Soolin in the bar was not befitting of a Jedi.

That situation could have gone down a lot worse if I did not intercede. But I did because I did not want my friends fighting..."

She folded her hands before her on the table and eyed Marcus briefly to gauge a reaction before speaking again.

"I consider you a friend... granted I don't know you well... yet. It was why I came here. I wanted to hear what you had to say without emotions running high but I will no apologize for what I said in the bar. I meant every word and they were words for you to think about and meditate on.

I am sorry that Soolin reacted as she had. She does not know you like we at the Order do. A past that is thick with blood and death is not going to be easily accepted Xazor... especially for one that is the sole survivor of it. You must understand that."

[Xazor]

Xazor growled deeply, upset with herself and her life. She shook her head and refused to look at anything but the table top.

I understand perfectly. In my past, I am a killer....now I am a Jedi. Soolin seemed to miss the change of my heart. You would think that one would be glad I turned...but no, not her. You know my past...or do you Navaria? Do you know anything about me? Marcus does...he knows everything.

She said deeply. Her heart ached terribly as she recalled different scenes in her mind...and then the words of both Soolin and Navaria cut through her like a lightsaber, ready to kill. She sighed heavily, regretting everything she had ever done.

I'm sorry if I am not fit to be a Jedi...perhaps I was wrong when I said that I felt a change. Perhaps Soolin is right and I am nothing but a killer.....

The Knight laid her head on the table, warm tears began flowing from her eyes and running down her cheeks. She felt horribly and there was nothing she could do to rid herself of the feeling...

[Marcus QDunn]

"Xazor"

His words were gentle... but direct.

"Xazor. Look at me. You know me better than anyone, because you live half in my mind all the time. You know my thoughts - and you can see my memories if you try. Would you ever dispute I am a Jedi? Yet, I had a lot of blood on my hands from the long years spend as a Dark Jedi. Tell me, would you doubt I am anything else other than a Jedi?"

He paused.

"I believe in you"

[Xazor]

More tears streamed from her eyes as she heard his words.

"I know you're a Jedi, Marcus.....I would never doubt that. Why is it easy for them to accept you.....but I am different? Why do I always have to be the frelling different one?! [/i]

She exclaimed through her tears. Her heart reached out for any comfort she could find...but for once, she felt all alone. It was terrible..... her heart was broken into a million pieces and shattered on the floor.

Why is it like this?

She said faintly in Marcus's mind....

[Marcus QDunn]

"Xazor - in the end the only one who has to be accepting of who you are is yourself. It doesnt matter what other think of you, as long as you are true to yourself. You and I, we are different to the rest of the Jedi - if I tried to conform, I would never be satisfied with what I turned into."

He paused, picking up one of Xazor's hand,s caressing it in his tough and calloused one.

"I never said the Jedi accepted me. I know in my time before, they didn't They did however repect what I stand for. I doubt they will accept me again. Why do you think I say silent and in the shadows, not wanting to draw attention to myself?"

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded slightly. His words were reassuring and the touch of his hand was a comfort to the turmoil in her soul. She forced a smile and spoke.

"I understand what you are saying.......and I do accept myself. It is just hard to after some tell me I am still what I once was....[/i]

She said softly, a tear escaping from her eye and trickling down her cheek.

[Navaria Tarkin]

"People will see you for your past sins if they were part of them. In time, by being yourself, you can show them you have changed.

Marcus is right... Believing in yourself will bring peace within yourself as a Jedi strives to be. I only wanted to understand and help to comfort you after what happened at the bar."

She looked at the Marcus with a smile.

"But I probably wouldn't be doing a good a job as you. You are two souls that have been through the same ordeals..."

Her eyes became distant.

I can only partially relate..

She thought to herself solemnly.

[Marcus QDunn]

"Yes, to Navaria you listen Xazor. I feel she only means what is best for you."

But he didn't look at Xazor when he spoke. He instead looked at Navaria.

"Now I recognise your name properly. You sit on the Council of the Jedi. I would say to you Navaria Tarkin that there is something that you must remember and also teach the other Jedi. Something I believe the Jedi lost and was the reason I stayed away. It is compassion. Compassion for the lost, the sick, the widowed and the poor. Without Compassion, the Jedi are ntohing mor that Energy waving magicians. From Compassion comes forgiveness. Even the worst criminal, the lowest of the scum, if they are truly repentant of their ways, we are to forgive them utterly and not judge them. I remember that some of the founders of this order were terrible Sith at one time. Anbira I once let go to follow his path and he also became Sith. But should we point fiingers at them? At you? At me? No. We are Jedi and we forgive when forgiveness is asked. It may be a hard thing to do, but it is a Jedi thing to do. If there is one bit of knowledge you take from me, this would be it. I could show you pwers that you can harldy imagine, but if I dont have compassion, if I dont forgive, I'm not much of a Jedi, am I?"

[Xazor]

Xazor sighed to herself. Marcus's words were wise...but not many took heed to such acts.

When I came here I sought forgiveness and redemption. I thought I had found it.......perhaps I was wrong. No matter how many times I apologize and seek peace.....it is not good enough. Nothing I ever do is! Do you know how that hurts? You don't know what it is like to be me......

She paused in her words and turned to face Marcus.

You.....you're the only one who knows me. Who truly knows the real me and how I feel. You know my heart...you know me...

She said softly, a tear rolling down her cheek at this reality. Only one person knew her true heart....even those close to her held undeniable doubt...it was something that seemed unforgivable and unforgettable.

[Navaria Tarkin]

"Marcus... I know what you speak of. Leia... she held that comfort for me when I first joined. My own sins were forgiving. I agree that there needs to be compassion and understanding...

But I also know what unchecked emotions can cause."

Her eyes closed briefly but when they opened, Navaria was looking at Xazor.

"You mistake my scolding for something it's not. It's concern Xazor. I don't want to loose you or anyone to the Dark Side."

Then her eyes softened, reflecting understanding that Xazor didn't think Navaria held.

"My own emotions created a monster. I locked away my fears ... my pains. I was an emotional wreck... What came of it?

Blood on my hands. Death on my hands all because I was a scared and fearful, angry girl, that couldn't handle my pain.

Perhaps you have heard of the Sith Dalethria? She and I are two sides of the same coin... but I created it."

She breathed deeply and sighed.

"It's too hard to explain but I walked in a Sith's shoes and found a chance to be me... who I really am. You can do the same. It takes ... time. Patience."

Navaria smiled lightly at Marcus.

"Compassion and understanding. That is why I came."

[Xazor]

Xazor sighed, forcing herself to look at Navaria. Their eyes met and Xazor wiped a few more tears away.

"I know..."

She said softly. Her heart continued to ache, but deep down, she knew that Navaria did not come to scold her. She was genuinly concerned. This touched Xazor and she didn't feel quite alone anymore.

"I know that you come out of compassion...I am just to stubborn to see it. This is what a friend does..."

She smiled for the first time that evening. Though it didn't last long, it was a sign that she was doing a little better than she had been. She looked at Marcus and smiled again.

Thank you, friend....for believing in me when I didn't....

She spoke through their Life Bond Link, her words almost as his thoughts. She was starting to believe in herself once again and that was a big step to take....

[Marcus QDunn]

There was much to think about with the words Navaria spoke. But for now....

"I believe I should leave both of you alone. You have nothing to fear from Miss Tarkin, Xazor. However, might I request you come by my apartment after you have finished here Navaria? I would much desire to speak to you in private. And Xazor, I'll always believe in you. You have a stout heart"

He stood up to go.

"One more thing. Share a cup of tea. Some one once told me you can never agrue or fight while doing that." He looked directly at Xazor, making the words he next said directly for her. "And I believe she was totally correct"

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled slightly.

"Thank you Marcus.....you have been a good help and a great friend."

She said softly as he rose to leave. She especially took his last words to heart. She too knew that Navaria was correct in what she had said. She looked down at the table and sighed.

"Would you like some tea or something to drink?"

She offered with a more friendly smile this time, showing her good intentions through her eyes. She did not wish to fight or anything......all she wanted was for others to understand her.

[Navaria Tarkin]

"Of course, Marcus. I would like that very much."

Though it was said with ease, Navaria had a feeling that it wouldn't be so much a social visit with the Warlord.

"But I would need to know where your apartment is."

She smiled.

"Remember I just found out you lived tonight."

Her smile turned soft and warm when Navaria acknowledged Xazor's offer.

"I doubt you have namana juice..."

A small chuckle arose.

".. but tea sounds lovely."

[Marcus QDunn]

"I'm in the room Darth Turbogeek used to be in. Xazor knows where it is."

He glanced around Xazor's room

"You'll probably find what's inside the door a surprise. DT certainly knew what my tastes were.... but then again, that wouldn't exactly be a surprise now, would it?"

The Jedi Master moved to the door, but turned one final time.

"Drop by as soon as possible Navaria. Oh Xazor.... when you can, my other student has arrived here. She is coming to the temple first - I hope you can avail yourself to greet her. Her name is Alaina Edric - and if I have not already, congratulations on your engagement to Shade"

He saluted, then exited, closing the door behind him

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled at Marcus.

"I will make it a point to introduce myself to your student. Thank you again for stopping by...."

She said with a smile and then turned her attention back to Navaria.

"No....I don't have any Namana juice.....but yes, tea sounds lovely. I have some prepared already...."

She rose from her seat and walked into the kitched, grabbing up two cups and a pitcher of tea. She set them on a tray and walked out to the living area once again, a little bowl of cookies sitting next to the cups. She set the tray down and poured the tea, offering a cup to Navaria.

"It is really good too....."

She said with a smile as Marcus made his way out her door.

[Navaria Tarkin]

She took the offered cup with both hands; allowing the aroma of fresh tea fill her senses while closing her eyes.

"This smells wonderful Xazor."

Her eyes opened as a smile spread across her face. Slowly, Navaria took a sip, for the tea was quite hot, but the flavor mirrored the pleasant smell.

Setting the cup down, she let it rest between her hands, not holding it too tightly. Just close enough so it was warming to the flesh.

"I'm glad that our meeting today has ended on a favorable memory. I was worried that this would not go well."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled and nodded, taking a sip of her warm tea. Holding it in her hands, she looked down into the liquid as if expecting it to say something. Her eyes drifted up to meet Navaria's and she smiled once again.

"I have learned many important things since coming here to the Greater Jedi Order.....but perhaps I learned the most important ones from people like you. See...you're not the only one who has spoken to me about my emotions...and anger. My father has also. I am sure you heard all about the lecture he and Alpha gave me while I was still a padawan. Very impacting on my mind it was...and this meeting between us is no different. At the end of the conversation...or confrontation whichever you deem to it for a name....we hugged. And now you and I sit here sharing a cup of tea and kind words. After thinking to myself for a few moments, and after I relaxed...I realized that by you doing this, you are saving me. I would hate myself if I fell to the darkside because of my dark past! That is what I came here to escape! I thank you, my fellow Knight...you too are one of the many I owe my life to."

She said warmly, smiling as she did. The new glow about Xazor warmed the room as the cups in their hands warmed their flesh....

[Navaria Tarkin]

Navaria was touched by Xazor's confession and kind words. The moment was so pure and perfect that she didn't want to say too much to ruin what Xazor had said. It only pleased her further that she was right in trusting her instincts... as always. The Force never led her astray and was proven constantly, as with speaking with Xazor this night.

"I do what I must when I feel the pain of others. I felt yours and I needed to make sure you were alright and would not stray from your calling."

Holding up her cup with one hand, Navaria lowered her head slightly in respect to her friend.

"May you accomplish all that you wish and may the Force be with you always."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled and she too bowed her head in respect the Navaria.

"May the Force be with you also....and may life bless you with all the good things it has to offer. May Gaia bring to you a good, long life..."

The Knight smiled brightly and held her cup up in unison with Navaria. She smiled, glad that this day had come to a good ending, unlike what she had thought it would.....