Hard times and tears.....

[Xazor]

Xazor rushed into her room and slammed the door, collapsing on the floor in a fit of tears. The Warrior cried her heart out after an emotional call to arms in the bar and grill. She stood up for what she believed, and was firm in her thoughts. The look she revieved from the others.....especially Anbira, promted her to back down....to leave. She did just that, feeling as though she was untrusted. They made her feel as though she was still the killer she once was....but that was not true. No one seemed to realize that...not even Soolin had seen that a few days ago. This was keeping Xazor in a pit of dispare......one she could not climb out of on her own. As thoughts flooded into her mind, she continued weeping on the floor, unsure of what would become of her and everything that had happened.....

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB knocked softly on the door to her Padawan and her roomate's quarters. She could hear Xazor crying softly inside, and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. With Maia in tow, she opened the door slowly and peered in. ::

Xazor?

[Xazor]

Xazor raised her head off the floor and dried some of her tears away. Her eyes were red and blood shot and her cheeks were red as well. Even if she stopped crying, it was evident that she had been for some time. The knock on the door had startled her, but she opened the door with the Force for whoever it was.

Come in.....

She said softly, her voice a bit shaky as she spoke.

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB turned to Maia. ::

Wait out here. I won't be long. I just want to talk with Xazor for a moment. But then I'll want you to come in and stay with her for awhile. Alright?

:: She smiled at her Padawan as she nodded her head in understanding. Then AB walked into the room, closing the door softly. ::

:: She could see Xazor had been weeping quite bitterly, and it hurt to see her in such pain. As a Jedi, she felt she needed to see if she could help in any way. ::

Hello, Xazor.

:: AB smiled, taking the chair from Xazor's desk and sitting on it across from Xazor, as the young woman sat on the edge of her bed. She spoke, concern evident in her voice. ::

I know asking how you're doing would be kinda blunt, but... how are you doing?

[Maia Shadoe Tharrinn]

Mia stood outside the room. Her heart ached for her friend Xazor. Se knew that her friend was passionate about protecting innocents and the light. Maia shook her head sadly, it was such a fine line between the light and the dark so easy to be caught up in the excitement of battle. Maia also knew that one wrong choice could remove you from the light.

Maia sat down on the ground and rubbed her cheek over Ari's soft feathers. "I hope they are fighting for all the right reasons Ari and have not lost sight of the nature of the darkside, hate and anger can happen before you know it." She whispered softly...

[Xazor]

Xazor looked up at AB and forced a smile.

"I am doing.....okay....[/i]

She said softly. She sighed slightly and looked down.

You see right through me Great Master. I cannot hide my heart from you. To tell you the truth....I am doing horribly. My heart aches so badly.....all I wish to do is serve the Jedi, to give my life to the purpose of the Light. My past stands in my way and always has. Anbira does not trust me.....and I doubt that the other Masters do either. It is baffeling to me that the Council has not gotten rid of me yet.

She said faintly, her voice cracking as she spoke. Tears continued rolling down her cheeks as her thoughts dwelled on....... everything....

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB shook her head. ::

My, but you are quick to judge.

:: She looked at Xazor, reaching over on the desk to pluck a few tissues from a box, and handed them to her. ::

I know you're upset, and being upset can cloud one's thoughts. But the Masters do not hate you. Anbira is the way he is. He has been through more than you and I put together, and he just has a way of coming out a bit hard sometimes. But he means well. He certainly doesn't hate you.

:: AB sighed, letting silence reign for awhile as Xazor blew her nose. ::

The Council is aware that you have been through a lot yourself, and we know you have worked hard to overcome your past. But you should never forget it. That would be the start of wanting to be ignorant, and ignorance can be a deadly thing.

I've seen you gather strength from what you did so long ago. I know you're not proud of it, but you know what it was, and you strive to avoid it.

Do you think charging off to iradicate some Sith makes you any different from the Xazor of old?

:: She hoped that didn't sound to harsh, but so as not to break stride, she kept going. ::

You have to think before you act, Xazor. Without thought, nothing can be accomplished.

:: She wasn't trying to reprimand the young woman. Only to help her see that rash judgements and hurried decisions were bad, and could lead to death. She only hoped Xazor would understand this in time. ::

[Xazor]

Xazor wiped the tears from her face and blew her nose a few times, nodding in a silent thank-you to the Jedi Master.

"I understand.......I do not wish to become once again what I was back then. I only wish to do the best...but I am only still learning what that is. I do not wish to kill the Sith...to attack them. I only wish to bring peace between our groups. We are one......we are all creatures who believe different things....but together we are the same. We are living beings who breath the same air. I have tried to speak with them, to show them that just because we are Jedi does not mean we have to be the enemy! I am a Warrior....but I am afraid that others look down on me for it. I have accomplished many things since joining the Order, but everyone seems to cover that with my past. I am not quick to judge...... they are quick to judge. If that were not so.....I would not be in this very same state day in and day out. This is not the first time I have sat in tears here....alone. Do you understand how disheartening that is?"

The Knight knew that her emotions ran strong and she would have to control them....fast. She closed her eyes and bathed herself in the Force, taking a few deep breaths. After a minute or so of silence, she opened her eyes and set her gaze on the Jedi Master's face.

"Please....I seek forgivness. My emotions are too great for me to fight them alone. With the training I have recieved as a Sith...it is almost as second nature to me. I have overcome these feelings in the past, but I had help. My Master/Father and my brother were there to help me. It was not easy then, but I seemed to be done with those feelings. I am a zealous person...I stand strong for what I believe is right. I do not think that what the Sith are doing is right...and I don't know what to do about it. I do not seek to hunt or kill them...but I feel responsible somehow...."

She said softly, a few more tears falling from her eyes. She wiped them away with the tissue and brushed some hair out of her eyes. She did not know if she had even made sense in all that she was saying...but it felt better to talk to someone she could trust....

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB smiled gently. ::

Xazor... there is no need for apologies. Even I can act rashly, but I have trained myself to think before I act.

:: She chuckled. ::

I'd give that old saying "We're only human", but neither you nor I are quite human, in the literal sense of the term. But figuretively, I think it would fit in this situation.

:: That brought a half smile from Xazor as she wiped another tear. It wasn't really meant as a joke, but it seemed to lighten the mood. ::

Just keep believeing in yourself, Xazor. Never stop doing that. Give yourself time to grow in age and wisdom. I honestly think you're a bit hard on yourself sometimes.

I know you mean well, and you want to strive to be better, but pushing yourself to a limit you cannot go beyond will only frusterate you. And frusteration can lead to anger and rash thinking.

:: She waved her hand slightly. ::

But, I'm starting to repeat myself.

:: She looked out the window for a moment, watching the clouds flitter by. ::

As for the Sith, they do evil things. We are not like them in the way we act. But strip everything, powers and all material thngs, we have one thing in common: we are mortal. We live and we die.

But I'm afraid that as as far as it goes in similarities. Trying to turn a hardened Sith only leads them to a powerful rage that can either destroy you or destroy them. They are like dormant volcanoes. Push the right button, and they explode without warning. It's a gamble at best.

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and sighed.

I must do something.....I have to get my emotions under control. I have meditated...I have talked to others....I have trained, and meditated, and meditated......well, you get the picture. Nothing seems to be working for me....I don't know what to do anymore. It is like, others try to bring me to anger...others seem to feed into my over-zealous hard head. I am proud to be a Jedi and not afraid to tell everyone that I am...but I have found that it gets me into bad situations where I make bad decisions.

She said softly, the tears slowly dissapating from her eyes, and drying on her face.

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB smiled. ::

Did you just hear what you said? You said "I have meditated... I have talked to others..." You see? You have been doing something. And from what I can tell, it has helped you some to come frm your past.

It just takes time, Xazor. Things don't happen instantly.

:: She reached out with her hand and poked Xazor's knee. ::

At least you didn't say "I tried meditating" or "I tried talking to others".

:: She giggled. ::

I can just hear Master Yoghurt now:...

:: She took on a serious face, imitating Yoghurt, voice, expression, and all. ::

...Do. Or do not. There is no try.

:: But she couldn't keep the expression any longer, and the corner of her lip tugged into a grin. She certainly wasn't making fun of the wise Jedi. She was trying to prove a point while continuing to lighten the mood to put Xazor into a good mood again. ::

Seriously, though, you've worked hard and you've accomplished much. Don't let something like this colapse all you have built up.

Yes, maybe the way you think now is a bit rash and quite zealous. But in time, you will learn patience and wisdom, all the while keeping your zeal. That won't go away. But it does take time to mold and control.

[Xazor]

Xazor nodded and smiled slightly. Indeed, talking had made her feel better.

Yes......the wise words of Master Yoghurt. I never try anything.....I always do something to get it done, in hopes of accomplishing something. That is why I am so zealous about our cause. I do not just give half-heartedly, I give it my all and more. I suppose that is what gets me into so much trouble. I get so intense about things that I forget to stop and think!

She laughed slightly and blew her nose once again.

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB smiled, hearing Xazor laugh. She could already feel the burden being lifted from the Knight's shoulders. ::

I think you'll be just fine, Xazor.

:: She reached out a hand, gently laying it on the young woman's shoulder. ::

Why don't you do something fun for the rest of the afternoon? A walk in the gardens with your roommate perhaps? Or a swim in the lake? Just something to relax and take away your worries.

I have found nature has a healing property that even I cannot fully understand.

:: She looked to the door, and called to her Padawan. ::

Maia? Would you please come in here?

[Maia Shadoe Tharrinn]

Maia peeked her head in the door at her Masters voice. Casting a worried glance at Xazor. Ari flew from Maia's shoulder over to her upset friend. Landing on the floor in front of Xazor Ari began to duck and weave his head, as if asking what was the matter.

"You called AB?" Maia said as she stepped into the room. "Is everything ok?" She asked giving Xazor another worried look...

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB stood, being sure not to step on the hawk. ::

Everything will be fine.

I was hoping you could stay with Xazor for the rest of the day. Just go do something fun. The weather is so beautiful outside. Maybe a swim in the lake?

:: AB looked back at Xazor, smiling down at the Knight. ::

I don't want you to worry anymore about this for today. I want you to just clear your mind and relax. Dwelling on things that upset you will get you nowhere and only anger you more. And I don't want you to have that weight on your shoulders. It's not neccessary.

:: She watched as Ari made a hop-flap onto Xazor's bed and poke at the woman's arm. ::

[Xazor]

Xazor looked up and smiled at the Jedi Master, and her friend Maia. As Ari hopped up on the bed, she stroked the gentle birds feathers softly. She took in the words of AB and nodded with a smile.

"Thank you Master AB.....Your council has done me much good. I am very grateful to you..."

She then looked to Maia and smiled brightly, the first time that day. Her friend's presence made her day seem all the much better.

"I will be alright Maia........thank you for coming along. I appreciate your company."

The Knight moved over for her to sit. Ari hopped along side of her as she scooted down the bed, making room for her friend.

[Maia Shadoe Tharrinn]

Maia sat down on the bed with Xazor and smiled at her. She was truly worried for her friend.

"I would be happy to spend the day with her Master, AB. She replied. Mia watched her birds antics and laughed softly.

"A swim sure sounds nice, are you up for that Xazor. Maybe we can catch your Shade and a few others and they can come to." She said with a wink.

"Leaning forward she took her friends hand suddenly. "Xazor, you should not worry that you are not a good Jedi. Being raised by Jedi I can feel the darkness that surrounds them. With you I only feel kindness and a gentle sprit. Even I can understand why as a Jedi you would want to rid the world of the Sith darkness but what I have seen you do is try to make peace with them. There is no fault in that and certainly no fault in wanting to prevent future suffering. You Xazor a truly a good Jedi." She spoke softly but her tone was sure.

"Now lets go fir that swim, maybe I will find someone there for me to fall in love with." Maia said with a blush and a giggle...

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB chuckled. Ah, to be young again. ::

:: She walked towards the door, opening it, and looking back at the two young women. ::

You two behave, and have fun.

:: With that, she was gone, leaving the two ladies to plot their fun for the day. ::

[Xazor]

A tear fell from Xazor's eye at the kind words her friend offered her. She smiled and nodded slightly.

"Thank you Maia.......your heart is so kind and gentle......"

She said softly. AB was on her way out and reminded them to behave and have fun. Xazor nodded and smiled once again.

"Thank you again, Master AB......."

The Knight said quietly. She then looked to her friend once again and grinned as AB left their room.

"You want to go for a swim? Perhaps Shade and some others will go as you said!"

She said excitedly, wiping that stray tear from her cheeck and smiling as she had not all day.