Alone

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

Kaman sat in her room, hunched over an ice cream float. She looked as if she were sulking. She seemed to be talking to herself.

"I'm so alone here. So alone, that I talk to myself. It may make me seem crazy, but I think I regret coming here. If I had known that I would be a loner in the midst of the party, I'd have stayed with some of my old friends. But...If I leave, I'll be at risk of being drawn to the wrong crowd. And I don't want to let my father down, whether he is dead or alive or not."

Kaman's eyes now look a little watery..

"I want to stay here. I need to stay here. But how can I be happy if I feel unacknowledged? I wonder if anyone really knows I exist."

A tear falls into her drink. Kaman swallows a spoonful of ice cream and root beer after it melts in her mouth. She wipes her eyes.

"Nobody even notices that I'm around.*slams fist down on table* I DON'T MATTER, DO I???"

Kaman's grown body collapses into a heap of shakes and tears...

"No...they...they don't care..they don't.....no..."

[Nash Stolar]

*Nash was walking down the long halls of the living quarters to waste time and get somewhat of an exercise when he passed a room. First he felt something through the force.. then he heard faint noises from the room.*

Crying?

*Usually he would have kept going, but he stopped and faced the door... Then knocked on it with the back of his hand lightly, but loud enough to be herd, then spoke.*

"Excuse me... but are you alright in there?"

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She heard the knocking, then the voice. Then felt the presence...She recognized it. She wiped her eyes with the tissue she kept in her room, then answered the door. Her eyes were watery and red. Her face was warm, and her hair frazzled. Not the usual beauty seen stalking the premises of the GJO...

"Oh...hi...Nash."

Succumbing to tears again, Kaman stalked back into her room, and her usually tall, graceful form flopped back down in the chair at her table.

"Come in...if you...want. It doesn't matter."

[Nash Stolar]

*Nash nodded and slowly walked in.. Nash knew from the force she was not in best of times.. but how she looked confirmed it. Once in he closed the door behind him and looked around the room, Then moved to the wall close to the table she was at and leaned on it..*

"Penny for your thoughts?"

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

Kaman looks at him...

"Ok. Pay up..."

She sighs...

"Pitiful attempt at a joke, huh? Well.."

She's a bit calmer now. She speaks a bit about how she is..

"...I've been able to cope all the time i've been here. But my old life still hasn't worn off. What would you like to hear about first?"

[Nash Stolar]

*Nash reached into his pocket, then pulled out a single credit. Using his thumb he flicked it onto the table and smiled.*

"Whatever you feel comfortable with, I wont mind if you vent it all at once ether."

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She sighed..

"I guess I was always used to having people around, all the time. I mean, I enjoyed my time alone, but being alone all the time..well, it's difficult. Plus, the constant action...awareness of my old life is taking a toll on me. It's so slow for me here, Nash. So...quiet. I can appreciate it, but only until a point. I was always used to working long hours...lacking sleep. I find I spend a lot of hours being the only one awake before anyone shows signs of life. You know what I mean? The spars I used to have kept me going...kept my activity up to an acceptable level. But there's no one to talk to. All that time. I've become good friends with myself, I guess. But...What I need is new company, I suppose. Someone else to talk to. To help fill the gap of the family I used to have. My director was my guardian, and the other operatives were my family. He passed away a while a ago..."

With that she kind of drifts off...seeming to be lost in her own thoughts...Her gaze is locked on Nash, but Kaman seems not to be there in mind...

[Nash Stolar]

"Really? I always found peace and solitude just fine with me.. Then again... I never had much 'friends' and I got along fine. But I bet there are quite a lot of people willing to talk to you at odd hours and new friends about if you just look... You seem like a nice person... shouldent be hard. To be honest I don't know how this got you all worked up."

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

Kaman takes her holstered weapon and puts it in a complicated lock box. She then takes out a canister.

"Sorry. I guess it shouldn't bother me so much. I've just been so easily set off lately."

She looks at him and smiles.

"I hope I haven't been so much of a bother. I mean, you didn't have to come here at all."

She paused, glanced outside, then back at Nash..

"The gun was a gift from my guardian. And these..."

Kaman lifts up the canister...

"Are the lightsaber plans my father drew up. The lightsaber he had in mind for me. The one he never built."

A sudden look of importance and determination came over Kaman's face...

"Nash...this is what I'm going to build. I've been collecting the exact parts for several years now. The plans are very specific. Finally, all the parts are together. Nichos hasn't seen these plans yet. Do you know what its like to not be able to complete your training when your master is hard to find? Frustrating. It seems i'm not as patient as I used to be. I don't think its the lonliness that bothers me. Maybe just the lack of sleep...yes, that must be it. I think I'll turn in early tonight."

Kaman replaces the canister to its drawer.

"Well, how about you? Tell me something about yourself. That is, if you don't mind..."

[Nash Stolar]

"Its alright.. I actually enjoy listening to people talk.. Usually I am the bother.."

*He watched as she took out a canister then explained about it.. He found himself wondering if it was her first saber, but for some reason he did not ask.*

"Actually... I do know what its like to he held up on training due to a master being hard to find.. Mine, Master Azalin was both hard to find and kinda lazy... took a good while before I became a knight.. and it did take from some things as I waited..."

*He then was taken a little by surprise when she asked about him.. he never thought people would care to know about his life, just see him as another jedi knight going around.*

"Myself... There was never anything too interesting about me.. I had somewhat of a normal life... tho I was never close to my parents I left early and became a mercenary after one mission I took I made a...... mistake that changed me.. after that I seemed to go to pieces and went to hoth to collect them again.. there I- *He seemed to cut something out before he said it..* I learned of the force there.. I went back to a populated planed and learned of the order. after that I came here to atone for the mistake I made.. as a padawan I different from what I am now. More 'among_the_people' I guess.. now...."

*He looked down at himself*

"I suppose I have calmed down a great deal.."

I think you lost her..

"Sorry... guess I said to much."

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She smiled

"No,no. You haven't said much, really. About those lightsaber plans...well, that will be a new one, obviously. My old one finally died. It was ions old. Part of the family. I buried it with the director when he passed away a while back."

It's silent for a minute or so before anything else is said.

"I've done a few less than appreciable things, myself. But those mistakes and mishaps are part of the road that got me here. I don't think i'd change anything, despite the fact that I still feel guilt for things that aren't my fault. That I regret some of those choices...you know.. Those experiences taught me valuble things...Things, with out them...well, I might have went in a different direction if they didn't happen."

She gets this odd look on her face, and shakes her head. Then she smiles, and starts laughing...

"You don't wanna know. Believe me."

[Nash Stolar]

"I can't reallt say the same thing.. I would change some things if I was given the chance.. but then again like you brought up... I might be in a totaly diffrent place doing something totaly diffrent.. But be it better or worse it is to late to change anything..*

*He sighed with a smile..*

"So why would I not want to know?"

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

"Inside joke from years back. You wouldn't understand..."

She shakes her head...

"I got off topic. We were talking about our lives? Come on, you can tell me anything. You haven't said much. So, i'll listen if you'll talk. Your turn to spill. Got me?"

She stopped, then half smiled. Her sudden turn of interest might have been too much...'Did I? I hope not.'

"Sorry. I mean, you don't have to. It's just that...well, to be honest, i'd like to hear more. That is, if you don't mind."

She reached for her almost ignored ice cream float, and worked through the rest of it.

[Nash Stolar]

*He smiled.. and shook his head lightly*

"Its alright, its actually pretty hard to find much people who are willing to listen and talk back when you say something, right? Anyways.. there is not much to my life that is intresting to talk about.. I don't have any loves of my life.. or rivals..or great and heroic battles.. when you think of it.. I never had much of a live outside of being a jedi.."

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

Kaman sighs..'Poor guy. Not a very event ful life'..

"Yeah. I see.."

[Nash Stolar]

*Nash laughed out loud*

"I dosen't look like you are intrested anymore."

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She looks at him...

"Oh, no it's not that. I was just thinking...You want something to drink? I could show you some of the books I have in my collection. I promise, you haven't seen any of them before."

[Nash Stolar]

"I'm fine thanks... but what do you mean I never seen these books before?"

*He looked around trying to see a book rack*

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She laughs. Sort of.

"I mean you haven't seen them. It's not like they were widely published."

She takes a small plate off of her gun, and taps it a few times, pointing it to the wall to the left of her bed. The same wall that has the door. One moment the wall looked like nothing was there, then, all of a sudden, there was a bookcase there, with windows. Real wood. It look like a well cared for antique...

"Those books, Nash."

Kaman walks over to the bookcase, and opens the door. She looks through the shelves, then picks one book in particular. She walks back over to Nash, and sits down in her seat.

"This one is my father's writing. It is an account of his learnings, as a padawan.There are a few other books, which include his learnings, and teachings, as a knight, then a master. If he lives today, he is writing still, I could imagine. He was wise...a great jedi in the eyes of those who knew him. My guardian would know this."


She gives Nash a serious look.

"All those books are originals. The only copies ever written by their authors. I haven't even gone through a quarter of them. The knowledge in them is so vast. It's just so..."

Pause

"...So amazing. It's like I ran away with a chunk of some Jedi library. Those books are my inheritance."

[Nash Stolar]

"You can learn alot from those.. Jedi knowlage is great."

*Nash walked over to the book case and looked over it quite impressed how they were keeped, he could only imagne how old they were if her father was a master.*

"Impressive... How did you get all of them?"

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

Kaman places the book back in its place, and takes out another. This one is not exactly a book of knowledge...

"They are actually books from many Jedi who were involved or connected to the old organization that I was in, or the people in it. Many of them are also from friends of my father, like the masters that he grew up around, and colleagues, like other padawans and knights. Some were from a person he knew who had a fire for the Force, but could never wield it. So he studied it. They were part of a project my father had put forth, to further the knowledge of the Jedi. He knew that each person had acquired knowledge in their experiences that no one quite understood. This would further their understanding."

She flips through the book she is holding, to an index.

"This book I am holding is a record of all the Jedi that passed through the old academy...The one my father went to. Before it was destroyed. He saved all the books that he could. If he had tried to save all of them, I wouldn't exist, and neither would all this. There are so many here. He hadn't been a knight long when this happened, around 40 years ago."

She puts the book back in the bookcase. She continues speaking.

"His first padawan made it out, but died shortly after from injuries far too severe for anyone to overcome."

[Nash Stolar]

*He nodded and keeped looking over the books.. Then turned and faced her.*

"How was it destroyed?"

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She looked away, seeming distracted...

"I couldn't tell you that. It's hard to explain. I'm not even sure my father quite knew. All I can say is that it was cold..."

She shivered. Whatever it was, it had to be more than that. Kaman looked as if she were hiding something. She shrugged it off

[Nash Stolar]

"I see.."

*He did not want to question any further... Something told him he would not like the results if he did, then changing the subject he turned and faced her and smiled*

"You feel any better?"

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

She smiled...

"Much better. Thanks. So, what do you want to do now?"

[Nash Stolar]

"Actualy... I never really thought of what I was going to do after I came in and talked to you.. So really I am just playing it as it goes."

[Kaman Jeris Deliai]

Kaman got up, yawned, and stretched...

"Ahh...that felt good. So, do you have any suggestions? I'm not one for being inactive. I just can't stand it. "

[Nash Stolar]

"I suppose there is quite a bit you could do.. spars, a nice walk or a trip to the bar."