ReaperFett
May 2nd, 2002, 09:49:10 AM
Tommy Cooper. Good, but old :)
-----------------------------
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
-----------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
----------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
----------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
----------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
-------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
----------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
----------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up,
and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
-------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
---------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
-----------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss
rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.'
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the
road.
-------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish in a tank.
One looked at the other and said "Know how to drive this thing?"
-----------------------------
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
-----------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
----------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
----------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
----------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
-------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
----------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
----------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up,
and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
-------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
---------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
-----------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss
rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.'
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the
road.
-------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish in a tank.
One looked at the other and said "Know how to drive this thing?"