Charley
Mar 27th, 2002, 11:01:42 AM
I was thinking of something in the shower this morning, as epiphanies and profound thought often find me when I bathe.
Han Solo is a smuggler/scum/criminal in ANH. At the end, he lucks out and gets a sportcenter-worthy assist in the Death Star destruction. Then he gets a medal. Yippie...welcome to the Rebellion.
Three years later, he's Captain Solo. Not a bad promotion at all. A few more responsibilities, like riding tauntauns.
Three MONTHS later, he's GENERAL SOLO.
Okay what the crap.
Now lets examine this. Think about the Endor preparation. Who were the other Generals? Madine and LANDO. Lando Calrissian...why is this guy a General? He's leading a fighter assault! Now, I know the Marine Corps has Generals (or at least think so), but their fighters lead Close Air Support missions (That is, they fly over the landing troops and give them covering fire)
And analyze General Solo. Why is he a general? Yes he actually does lead ground troops, but only about a platoon's worth. That's not even worthy of a Captain's commission. Well, maybe if they're special forces. But GENERAL? Madine seems the only one worthy of that, and only cause he sits back like Rieekan and Dodonna did, and plan the battle.
Lets look at the woeful breakdown of Star Wars Generals:
General Jar Jar Binks: This guy makes Custer look like William Wallace. Whatsa is Boss Nass thinkin?
FAMOUS QUOTE: "Dis is meesa Waterloo!"
General Kenobi: A badass Jedi, yeah, but General? This would be like George W deciding to appoint Jet Li to the Joint Chiefs of Staff. While that would be totally awesome, it just seems too severe of a paradigm shift.
FAMOUS QUOTE: "A Jedi uses peace and wisdom...and a well-oiled chaingun! I love the smell of burning clones in the morning."
General Dodonna: This guy looks like he should've collected pension decades ago. Maybe him and Colonel Sanders play shuffleboard together nowadays.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Princess Leea...where's my tapioca? Back in the day, we didn't have Death Stars. We had damn horseless carriages!
General Tagge: One word. Sideburns.
FAMOUS QUOTE: If the Rebels have found a weakness, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might sneak aboard, and shave my porkchops!
General Rieekan: Pretty crafty and smart. He looks like my old football coach. Since he was a total hardass, I have to give Rieekan credit.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Why is there a Purina label on my uniform? What am I? Captain Dogfood? Deploy the AT-AT cannon fodder!
General Veers: Evil, ruthless, and British. He sounds so...bored...during the Hoth invasion. It would've been neat to see a stormtrooper bring him a cup of Earl Grey as he stepped on Rebel snowtroopers.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Hold your fire, gunner. Send in the Irish. Blaster tibanna costs money. The dead cost nothing.
General Solo: From ex-con to military leader in 3 years. And yet there are people in this country who can't get their GED. What is your excuse?
FAMOUS QUOTE: I'm not here to join your little Rebellion. I'm here for the poon tang.
General Calrissian: Not only is this man in the wrong military branch, they gave the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy to a guy who spends the next 20 years drinking malt liquor. All those twists and turns don't fare well with intoxication. If I were Solo, I would've sued the pants off of him for breaking my Direct TV piece on the Falcon. Then again, would you give the keys to the same man who lost his hot rod in a card game?
FAMOUS QUOTE: Jabba, pass that hookah you bitch.
General Madine: Hi. I'm Luke's missing twin, with an extra 30 pounds and a beard. And customary British accent. You'll never see me after this until I bit the big one in Darksaber! May the Force be with you.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Okay, you, you, and you...prepare Operation: Enter Obvious Trap. I'm gonna hop in the sauna. Cheers!
What we NEED is a General we can identify with. We need one with purpose, poise, and above all, badass potential. Thus, I predict in episode three, we'll get a new general:
General Reagan.
If we can sneak him out of the old folk home, he'd be perfect. Imagine this scenario.
General Reagan: Those evil, godless commie...er...rebels...fire the death star!
Imperial Peon: Yessah!
(Death Star fires, destroys Naboo)
Imperial Peon: Jolly good shot. You killed the Gungans!
General Reagan: Huh?
Imperial Peon: You killed the Gungans, sir.
General Reagan: Who am I?
Imperial Peon: (flustered) General Reagan, sir.
General Reagan: Oh. Well....fire the death star!
Imperial Peon: (rolling eyes) Yes sir...
General Reagan: Oh and get me a pudding cup. I like pudding.
Han Solo is a smuggler/scum/criminal in ANH. At the end, he lucks out and gets a sportcenter-worthy assist in the Death Star destruction. Then he gets a medal. Yippie...welcome to the Rebellion.
Three years later, he's Captain Solo. Not a bad promotion at all. A few more responsibilities, like riding tauntauns.
Three MONTHS later, he's GENERAL SOLO.
Okay what the crap.
Now lets examine this. Think about the Endor preparation. Who were the other Generals? Madine and LANDO. Lando Calrissian...why is this guy a General? He's leading a fighter assault! Now, I know the Marine Corps has Generals (or at least think so), but their fighters lead Close Air Support missions (That is, they fly over the landing troops and give them covering fire)
And analyze General Solo. Why is he a general? Yes he actually does lead ground troops, but only about a platoon's worth. That's not even worthy of a Captain's commission. Well, maybe if they're special forces. But GENERAL? Madine seems the only one worthy of that, and only cause he sits back like Rieekan and Dodonna did, and plan the battle.
Lets look at the woeful breakdown of Star Wars Generals:
General Jar Jar Binks: This guy makes Custer look like William Wallace. Whatsa is Boss Nass thinkin?
FAMOUS QUOTE: "Dis is meesa Waterloo!"
General Kenobi: A badass Jedi, yeah, but General? This would be like George W deciding to appoint Jet Li to the Joint Chiefs of Staff. While that would be totally awesome, it just seems too severe of a paradigm shift.
FAMOUS QUOTE: "A Jedi uses peace and wisdom...and a well-oiled chaingun! I love the smell of burning clones in the morning."
General Dodonna: This guy looks like he should've collected pension decades ago. Maybe him and Colonel Sanders play shuffleboard together nowadays.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Princess Leea...where's my tapioca? Back in the day, we didn't have Death Stars. We had damn horseless carriages!
General Tagge: One word. Sideburns.
FAMOUS QUOTE: If the Rebels have found a weakness, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might sneak aboard, and shave my porkchops!
General Rieekan: Pretty crafty and smart. He looks like my old football coach. Since he was a total hardass, I have to give Rieekan credit.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Why is there a Purina label on my uniform? What am I? Captain Dogfood? Deploy the AT-AT cannon fodder!
General Veers: Evil, ruthless, and British. He sounds so...bored...during the Hoth invasion. It would've been neat to see a stormtrooper bring him a cup of Earl Grey as he stepped on Rebel snowtroopers.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Hold your fire, gunner. Send in the Irish. Blaster tibanna costs money. The dead cost nothing.
General Solo: From ex-con to military leader in 3 years. And yet there are people in this country who can't get their GED. What is your excuse?
FAMOUS QUOTE: I'm not here to join your little Rebellion. I'm here for the poon tang.
General Calrissian: Not only is this man in the wrong military branch, they gave the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy to a guy who spends the next 20 years drinking malt liquor. All those twists and turns don't fare well with intoxication. If I were Solo, I would've sued the pants off of him for breaking my Direct TV piece on the Falcon. Then again, would you give the keys to the same man who lost his hot rod in a card game?
FAMOUS QUOTE: Jabba, pass that hookah you bitch.
General Madine: Hi. I'm Luke's missing twin, with an extra 30 pounds and a beard. And customary British accent. You'll never see me after this until I bit the big one in Darksaber! May the Force be with you.
FAMOUS QUOTE: Okay, you, you, and you...prepare Operation: Enter Obvious Trap. I'm gonna hop in the sauna. Cheers!
What we NEED is a General we can identify with. We need one with purpose, poise, and above all, badass potential. Thus, I predict in episode three, we'll get a new general:
General Reagan.
If we can sneak him out of the old folk home, he'd be perfect. Imagine this scenario.
General Reagan: Those evil, godless commie...er...rebels...fire the death star!
Imperial Peon: Yessah!
(Death Star fires, destroys Naboo)
Imperial Peon: Jolly good shot. You killed the Gungans!
General Reagan: Huh?
Imperial Peon: You killed the Gungans, sir.
General Reagan: Who am I?
Imperial Peon: (flustered) General Reagan, sir.
General Reagan: Oh. Well....fire the death star!
Imperial Peon: (rolling eyes) Yes sir...
General Reagan: Oh and get me a pudding cup. I like pudding.