Jared Mriad
Feb 27th, 2002, 07:22:28 AM
These are T-shirt text's from a "Things you never
knew existed!" catalog.
Official member of the Piss & Moan About Everything club.
My girlfriend told me to be more affectionate… so I got 2 girlfriends.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
10 things men know about women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"
-Benjamin Franklin
You're just jealous that the voices talk to me.
It's only funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious!
You have the right to remain stupid, anything you say can and will be ignored.
I put ketchup on my ketchup.
Sarcasm is just one more free service we offer.
I hit 2 good balls today, I stepped on a rake.
Beer today, lawn tomorrow.
My parents said I could be anything, so I became an *******.
GRABERBOOTIE & PINCH (T-shirt looks like an "Abercrombie & Fitch" clothing)
Damn right I'm good in bed, I can sleep for days!
You've been a bad girl, go to MY room.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
"Death to all fanatics!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"Stop reading this and watch where you're driving."
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
"Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
"Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity."
"Confusion not only reigns, it pours"
"Madness takes its toll; please have exact change"
"I use to have a handle on life; then it broke"
What Men say and what it really means
"I'm going fishing."Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"I'm going hunting"
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn't blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece...(unless, of course, we blow a fuse in the truck on the way home!)"
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
What Women say and what it really means
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The answer to "What's wrong?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an *******
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
:crack
knew existed!" catalog.
Official member of the Piss & Moan About Everything club.
My girlfriend told me to be more affectionate… so I got 2 girlfriends.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
10 things men know about women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"
-Benjamin Franklin
You're just jealous that the voices talk to me.
It's only funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious!
You have the right to remain stupid, anything you say can and will be ignored.
I put ketchup on my ketchup.
Sarcasm is just one more free service we offer.
I hit 2 good balls today, I stepped on a rake.
Beer today, lawn tomorrow.
My parents said I could be anything, so I became an *******.
GRABERBOOTIE & PINCH (T-shirt looks like an "Abercrombie & Fitch" clothing)
Damn right I'm good in bed, I can sleep for days!
You've been a bad girl, go to MY room.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
"Death to all fanatics!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"Stop reading this and watch where you're driving."
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
"Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
"Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity."
"Confusion not only reigns, it pours"
"Madness takes its toll; please have exact change"
"I use to have a handle on life; then it broke"
What Men say and what it really means
"I'm going fishing."Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"I'm going hunting"
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn't blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece...(unless, of course, we blow a fuse in the truck on the way home!)"
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
What Women say and what it really means
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The answer to "What's wrong?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an *******
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
:crack