The true ending to ESB (humor)

[darth_mcbain]

I saw this for the first time today - don't know if this has been around or not, but I figured I'd post it here, I found it pretty humorous...


The TRUE Ending To "The Empire Strikes Back"

(A furious lightsaber duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing off LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks down, and realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.)

VADER
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE
He told me enough. He told me you killed him!

VADER
No! I am your father!

LUKE
That's not true! Thats impossible!

VADER
Search your feelings; you know it to be true!

LUKE
NO!

VADER
Yes it is true, and you know something else? You know that brass droid of yours?

LUKE
Threepio?

VADER
Yes,Threepio, I built him when I was 7 years old.

LUKE
No!

VADER
Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.

LUKE
I destroyed your precious Death Star!

VADER
When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Control ship!

LUKE
Well it's not my fault.

VADER
Oh, here we go... "Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's a Dark Lord of the Sith...waaah, waah."

LUKE
Shut up!

VADER
Your a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi Knights!

LUKE
I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

VADER
Oh, for the love of the Emperor! 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human ever to fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!

(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.)

VADER
I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are but you sure ain't mine.

(Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.)

VADER
Get a haircut!

[Champion of the Force]

:lol

I've read it before, but it still cracks me up. :)

Here's one I posted from a few months back:

:: Luke and Obi-Wan on Dagobah, in a future ROTJ version ::

Obi-Wan: ... and your father, with the help of his astormech droid, blew up the Trade federation ship.

Luke: Like I did when I blew up the Death Star with R2?

Obi-Wan: Yes - in fact, the astromech is the same. Your father had R2 as well.

Luke: WHAT??? R2 - you never told me!

:: kicks R2 ::

R2: :: gives mocking whistle ::

Luke: But I thought you said you never met R2 before?

Obi-Wan: No Luke, I said I never remembered OWNING a droid. I did however know R2.

Luke: You're crazy.

Obi-Wan: And not only that - I knew C-3PO as well. Your father built him.

Luke: What the hell???

Obi-Wan: Oh yes. Your father was quite a little kid. Although his 'Yippees' were a bit off-putting.

Luke: Wait a sec. You mean to tell me that my father, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, servant of the Emperor, used to say 'Yippee'????

Obi-Wan: Yes.

Luke: Man, this sucks.

*****

:: Luke and Obi-Wan on Dagobah continued ::

Obi-Wan: ... so my master Qui-Gon was killed by this Sith guy called Darth Maul, and in his dying breaths he asked that I traion your father.

Luke: Wait wait wait - you told me on Hoth that Yoda trained you. And that my father was a star pilot you met in the Clone Wars.

Obi-Wan: Well I was in a bit of a hurry on Hoth so I trimmed it up a bit. Saying 'There you'll find Yoda who was jedi Master on the Jedi Council whilst I was a padawan under the training of QUi-Gon Jinn' doesn't roll off the tongue very well. As for your father being a star pilot, well he was, albiet a very very oung one. But i may have mscalculated the Clone Wars by a few years. :thinks ::

Luke: So where is this Qui-Gon. How come he isn't a ghost like you?

Obi-Wan: Oh he is. Just wait here ...

:: Obi-Wan ducks behind a tree, and come back with Qui-Gon ::

Qui-Gon: Hello Luke - I'm Qui-Gon Jinn.

Luke: Ummm, nice to meet you. Sorry for my shock, but I only found out about you 5 secs ago.

:: turns to Obi-Wan ::

Luke: So only Jedi can become ghosts?

Obi-Wan: Not at all. Wait here ...

:: ducks behind tree again, coming back with Jar Jar and the walrus guy from the Cantina ::

Jar Jar: Hewo Lukie!

Luke: What's this?

Obi-Wan: Oh him - he's Jar Jar, an alien my master insisted we bring along with us.

Jar Jar: Mesa Ani's friend!

:: walrus guy farts on Jar Jar ::

Jar Jar: Pewww - yuck yuck.

:: Luke turns up his nose in disgust ::

Luke: Ummm, so what has this guy got to do with my father?

Obi-Wan: He was your father's best friend.

Luke: Oh man, how can I kill my father, now that I know he not only said "Yippee" as a child, built C-3PO, has R2 as his astromech droid, but was also best friend's with a demented creature?

Obi-Wan: Control Luke, you must learn control.

*****

:: Luke and Obi-Wan on Dagoabh Part 3 ::

Obi-Wan: ... so my master Qui-Gon sent me a copy of your father's blood sample, which after checking was disocvered to contain the highest midichlorian count ever encountered.

Luke: Ok ok, backtrack for a sec. What in hell are midichlorians???

Obi-Wan: ::sigh:: Well I guess it's all out in the open now. Midichlorians are little microids in your blood that help you contact the Force.

Luke: Until now I thought that the Force was 'a mystical energy field created by all living things'. You mean the tell me that now the Force is nothing more than a bunch of bugs?

Obi-Wan: No no - they only help you contact the Force. The mystical field is still there, but the midichlorains help us communicate with it.

Luke: So I probably have a high 'midichlorian' count as you call it, thanks to my Dad?

Qui-Gon: That is correct Luke. Your father's count was even higher than Yoda's.

Luke: So the whole time Yoda was egging me about not being able to lift that X-Wing, I could have really done it thanks to some bugs ...

Obi-Wan: Midichlorians.

Luke: ahem, 'midichlorians' in my blood stream? If I had known that then, I wouldn't have only lifted the starfighter, but also would have tossed the little green dude into the Swamp with the Force. How come no one told me about this?

:: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan shrug ::

Jar Jar: Okey now Lukie? Ani gone bad bad now. Yousa musta kill im!

:: trips over tree root ::

Luke: But how am I going to kill him if he has more bugs than me?

Obi-Wan: Ummm - just use the Force Luke. USE THE FORCE.

Luke: Grrrr....

:: gets into his X-Wing and flies away ::

Qui-Gon: You didn't tell him his mother was a queen, that his father's best friend in childhood was Boba Fett, and that Dagobah is the remains of his mother's home planet?

Obi-Wan: I'm not going to open THAT can of worms now.

:: screen fades out ::

THE END

:)

[darth_mcbain]

:lol :lol :lol I like that...

[Champion of the Force]

It was inspired from a post I read on the TPM Bashers board back in 1999. That's why it has references to the rumours of Dagobah formerly being Naboo and Boba Fett being Kitser, which were all the rage back then (since I've been avoiding any and all Ep. 2 spoilers I don't know if they eventuated or not). :)

[Jedieb]

Lucas really should hand the prequels and future SE's over to the likes of us. Think of the magic we could make!

[Jedi Master Carr]

They are both hilarious, but as far as the two rumors you mentioned, they are both wrong unless Naboo becomes Dagobah in Ep 3 and it doesn't look like that Boba Fett is Kister (as far as I know)

[Champion of the Force]

Lucas really should hand the prequels and future SE's over to the likes of us.
I know what you mean. :)

After reading through this thread again you just get the feeling of 'Dammit Lucas - watch your films and get the events right!" :lol