OT -- Help on a poem

[Doc Milo]

I know this doesn't belong here, and probably should be in the misc. forum -- but I hardly ever go there, and would like some feedback on a poem I wrote that I am going to try to get published -- so I was hoping the moderators could give me a little leeway.

This would mark the first attempt for me to publish a poem through the market (not counting poems published as a result of winning a contest) but I'm not sure if it still needs some work. I've been working on it for a while and I think the time has come to see if I can get some constructive criticism from people other than my family :)

Anyway, if you'll indulge me this, it's greatly appreciated.

Here it is -- it's called The Four Horsemen:


Corruption of the morning star.
Cancerous stains the surface mar.
In the corona's flaxen haze,
Licking tongues of fire blaze.

Seven Seals bind a scroll.
The first is broken, thunder rolls.
The conquerer from Hell rides forth
Bow in hand astride white horse.

The opposite of Christ is he --
A deciever from the tainted sea --
In ten kingdoms he divides the world
Unopposed 'til evil truth unfurled.

With the breaking of the Second Seal
Roan horse rider holding steel
Bearing sword and bringing war
Man kills man by the score.

The Third Seal breaks -- another horse:
Black as night and staying course.
Scales held in the rider's hand
Measure famine for the land.

The Fourth cracks open, pale horse rides
Death and Hades keep in stride.
Fifth Seal shatters -- the last Martyrs dead;
For The Word their blood is shed.

Then the Sixth -- the Lamb's Wrath is known;
Humanity reaps the seeds its sown.
The sun shines black; blood red moon.
Tribulation now and Judgement soon.

Silence when the Seventh Seal
Is broken and the scroll revealed.
Angels' Trumpets and Bowls of Seven
Judge the Earth for the coming of Heaven.

It shall happen in the blue of night,
When right is wrong and wrong is right,
When Death takes Life as his bride,
'Tis the night The Four Horsemen Ride.

[sparksterboy]

Im honoured to be the first peson to respond to this poem. well. Its awesome!!!! honestly, it sounds very masterful and sounds like the words from someone talented, kinda puts me to shame but oh well. very good indeed, you got any more?

[Bromine]

I don't know poetry, but I know what I like, and I like it!:)
Perfect pacing, and it didn't bore me.:)

[Jedieb]

I liked it Doc. Why did you combine the 4th and 5th seal in one stanza? Were you writing under a word limit? That's the only thing that stuck out to me. I would've kept the pattern you established with the first 3 and last 2 seals. But again, very nice. Pretty creepy too, I thought you did a great job of establishing a dark tone early on. Thanks for sharing that with us.
MTFBWY

[Doc Milo]

Jedieb, I wanted to come here and say I had this grand structural reason for having the fourth and fifth seals in one stanza, but the truth is, I could not come up with four extra lines (two for the fourth seal and two for the fifth) to describe the happenings after they break. This is the exact area I was looking for help in! I didn't want to say that in the original post so as not to prejudice the reading.

There is no word or line limit (as I'm writing it on spec and will submit it to places that will publish a poem of this length) but you have confirmed that I still need to work on those two stanzas -- for the structure of the poem, if nothing else. (Although, as you can see, I gave the first seal two stanzas, but I think it works there, where two seals getting one stanza does stick out.) I think I'll try to come up with something (but not filler) to fix up the structure.

Thanks for all the kind words everyone! :)

Okay, didn't take me that long to come up with something! See if this works to fix the structure.


The fourth seal shatters, pale horse rides
Death and Hades keeping stride:
One quarter of the Earth in strife--
One fourth of men deprived of life.

The fifth seal breaks, the Martyrs dead
For The Word their blood is shed.
Dressed in white beneath the Throne
They cry for the vengence of their own.

[Jedieb]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you Doc. I'm glad I could be of some help. I help writers (5th graders, but still writers) every day and I love doing it. I thought the additions were EXCELLENT! They didn't seem forced or added on. I would have written "One fourth of man deprived of life" instead of "men". But it works either way. I don't mean to be picky, I just know I appreciate any kind of feedback in my writing. I should say positive and constructive feedback. "Your stuff sucks!"; is not my idea of constructive feedback.

Once again, great poem. Let us know when you get it published. It's certainly better than any poem I've ever written.
MTFBWY

[Doc Milo]

I can see -- "man" seems more inclusive (as in humankind) which is the way I intend it. "Men" works as well, but can be a bit more confusing as to whether I'm talking about "humankind" or just the men of humankind.

Thanks.

I also changed another line in the Fifth Seal verse -- the third line is now: "Draped in white, beneath God's Throne"

I've already submitted it though! So 'men' will have to stand (unless it's rejected.) Thanks for the help. I needed a "fresh set of eyes" for the final touches. :)