The Truth - Screams in the Night [Archive]

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Lilaena De'Ville

May 10th, 2013, 11:51:13 AM

It would all be over soon, she promised herself, tears leaking down her cheeks as she pressed her back against the bathroom door. They would be better off without her. She could hear her husband tickling the kids in the living room, their shrieks of laughter a strange soundtrack to her despair.

Everyone said things would get better, but it was just a matter of time before she slipped and did something truly awful. She would have never admitted it but when you spent a few hours a week contemplating strapping the kids into the car and then driving into the wall on the freeway it was time for a change. Any change.

She pressed her fists into her eyes, shoulders shaking as she silently sobbed. He wouldn’t understand, no, no, he wouldn’t, but it was for the best. Her hands trembled as she picked up the Ziploc bag, dumping its contents onto the countertop. She could remember stopping behind the grocery store to buy it; the money would be missed in a few days but for now it was her secret. One pill would make her high. Two would make her sick. And three…

She took them one at a time, washing them down with water from the sink with a little Dixie cup decorated with Dora the Explorer. After six she sat down on the edge of the tub. The eighth one went down sideways and she coughed painfully.

“Mooom!”

She looked at the closed door, and felt regret. What was she doing? Why hadn’t she just talked to someone?

No one wanted to listen to her problems. She was supposed to be strong, to take care of the house but it was always dirty and the new baby… she knew she was a danger to everyone. Everyone….

The empty paper cup crumpled in her hand and she tipped back into the bathtub, suddenly dizzy. Her stomach cramped painfully and she curled into the fetal position, her knees pressed into her chest. Someone rattled the door, but the darkness was closing in and then despite the agony inside her guts there was a blissful surrender. She floated away, still crying even as she died.

Lilaena De'Ville

May 10th, 2013, 01:11:59 PM

"Sarah! She's back -!"

There was a strange, buzzy feeling to the air as she floated through it, static noise that congealed slowly into voices. Just leave me, she tried to say, but she couldn't move, and for a moment she could see herself on a gurney, being run through a stark white hallway surrounded by doctors just like on TV.

Stay with me honey, I love you, please, you'll be okay, don't leave me... her heart is going, breath is weak, let's get her into a room... hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done... OH GOD IT HURTS... fucking junkies filling up the ER, probably no insurance...

Sarah opened her eyes, staring blearily up at the ceiling as it went by, faces floating in and out of her field of vision as the voices washed over her like the tide. One was her husband, precious Joel. He didn't understand. She felt a surge of emotion - despair as she realized she was still alive - and then the darkness pulled her under once again.

*

When she opened her eyes again she was lying half propped up in a hospital bed. There was an IV in one arm, clear tubes snaking up to a bag of saline hanging nearby, and a single light to keep the shadows at bay. Sarah turned her head slightly and saw Joel asleep in a chair, his hand clutching hers. Everything was quiet and still.

She looked at her arm, wondering why in movies they showed people simply ripping out their IVs like they'd been velcroed onto their arms. It always seemed like a really painful way to detach yourself from the hospital umbilicals, and unnecessary, too. She didn't feel an urge to test the theory, and left her IV insertion point alone.

She must have moved her hand, because Joel was sitting up straighter and waking up. Sarah tried to pull her hand away, ashamed, but he tightened his grip. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she moaned, her voice weak and her arm weaker as she tried tugging it away from him.

He stood up and leaned over the bed, wrapping her up in his arms. "It's okay honey, I love you, we'll figure it out. We'll fix this, I promise. I love you so much." He held her tightly, as if afraid she might slip away somehow, and she could feel his hot tears on her cheek mingling with her own.

"I'm so sorry..."

Lilaena De'Ville

May 24th, 2013, 04:32:02 PM

Joel didn't want to let her go, but didn't want to smother her, either. He kissed Sarah's cheek and released her, pulling his chair closer. She moved her hand away from his imperceptibly, and he pretended not to notice but it was like a cheese grater on already raw knuckles. Christ, she would rather kill herself than talk to him? And the kids... the kids were traumatized after seeing their father giving Mommy CPR while yelling into the phone.

"They're saying it's postpartum depression, Sarah. I mean, you'll have to talk to a psychiatrist but..." He wiped at the inner corner of his eye, getting a bit of crust from his recent nap out. Should he be angry at her, sad for her, or happy she was alive? He was feeling all three at the same time. "I just don't know why you wouldn't talk to me." Sad for himself maybe. Hey this is a great time to be selfish, Joel. She's going through things you can't imagine. But I can imagine what I'm going through and it sucks.

Sarah covered her face with her hands. "I just don't know how - I wanted to talk to you. You were just so busy with work and... I'm supposed to take care of the kids. That's my job." Her voice was muffled from behind her hands. "And it's so hard. I felt like I was failing and I shouldn't be but I was... and when you get home it's like if the kids bother you when you're done playing with them it's the worst thing, and I wasn't keeping them in line. And the house is dirty. And then the baby needs me every few hours. And the neighbors... they think I'm a bad mother. I can just tell, looking at their windows, they're judging me..."

Joel's hands were tightening into fists in his lap, fingernails digging into his palms. He could hear the pain in her voice as she struggled to articulate, and it was breaking his heart. He should have done more. Could have done more. But she'd seemed normal - maybe a little more tired and easily frazzled, but normal for having an infant in the house.

"I'm just so tired and I never get any time to myself, and I have no friends, and ..." Her shoulders started shaking and it took a moment for him to realize she was crying.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice cracking. "I am sorry it got so bad. I'm sorry I didn't realize what was going on." You're going to end up in the nuthouse.

"I didn't want you to know," Sarah managed, her hands finally dropping to her lap and revealing reddened eyes. "You're right. I should have talked to you - talked to anyone." Her face crinkled up and she added, "Maybe that too."

He frowned. "That too, what?"

"The ...the nuthouse. I belong there. You're right!" Her voice pitched higher into a wail, and she buried her face in her hands again.

Joel looked at her askance, but left it alone, excusing himself awkwardly to get some coffee and call his parents to see how the kids were doing.

Lilaena De'Ville

May 27th, 2013, 12:41:17 PM

The next few days were a blur. Sarah was deemed healthy enough to discharge from the hospital after only twenty-four hours, but because of her suicide attempt and a diagnosis of postpartum psychosis she was transferred to the local mental hospital. Green Acres Hospital was a private psychiatric hospital in the boonies of Clackamas county, and quite expensive even after what insurance would pay. Joel deemed it worth the dip into their savings to make sure she wasn't being housed with the criminally insane in the state hospital. A few weeks of therapy and quiet away from the kids and every day life was exactly what she needed - or so she was told.

Sarah found it difficult to care either way on her current drug cocktail. She was allowed a supervised visit with her kids every day, and Joel patiently drove them out without fail. Holding baby Violet felt right, but there was still something keeping her from connecting fully. She ran a finger along the baby's chubby cheek as she gave her a bottle of formula, trying to soak in the moment and feel... something. Anything. Other than 'this is what I should be feeling', Sarah just couldn't manage anything more.

It was the medicine, of course. But when they eased up her dosage the voices started.

Lilaena De'Ville

May 28th, 2013, 11:55:19 AM

She was sitting in the common room, white curtains billowing in the breeze and revealing the garden space beyond the open French doors. They were gathered in the Circle, she and the rest of her group, to talk about their feelings and how they were doing, and how they were going to deal with their problems in the future. Sarah didn't usually have much to say, but she was feeling a little more energetic and willing to participate today. If she made progress she could go home to her kids. Yesterday little Bobby had wailed and cried when it was time to go home, clinging to her leg and forcing Joel to prise him off and carry him kicking and screaming away.

She wanted to go home. It surprised her how much she wanted to be back, after just desperately wanting OUT for so long. Sarah sat forward a bit on her chair, waiting to raise her hand and share while Crazy Theresa rambled on and on.

"I just... I know I shouldn't but I just want to pull it all out." Theresa twitched a little, her hand going to to where what remained of her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was able to resist the urge to pull, with obvious effort, putting her hands together in her lap and clasping them together tightly. "It's just that... it hurts but it's a good hurt, y'know?"

"Yes, but it's bad for you, you know that Theresa." Doctor Hannah patted the woman on her shoulder. "What are the things we talked about? Redirect-"

"Redirection," parroted Theresa, going through her litany with an eager to please attitude. Theresa was completely crazy, however, and happy to remain in the hospital at her grandparents' expense, and while she said all the right things in group she pulled her eyebrows out at night and spat out her pills when she thought no one was watching. Sarah sighed and turned to look out the doors at the gardens.

A young man was sitting outside, his head drooped to the side as a nurse wiped the corner of his mouth. He was catatonic and she wasn't sure what his name was. As she focused on him, Sarah started. Someone was screaming faintly in the distance. She looked around, but no one else seemed to hear it. The more she tried to pinpoint where it was coming from the louder the screaming got.

Sarah shifted uncomfortably. "Who is that?" She looked around, and Theresa stopped talking to glare at her.

"Wait your turn, it's my turn to share and I'm not done! Doctor Hannah, tell her, tell her it's not her turn yet!" She folded her arms and pouted, while Sarah stood up, staring out the doors.

"Don't you hear that?!" Sarah felt the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end at the screaming. It was coming from outside. She zeroed in on the catatonic teen who was being wheeled back toward the building as a cloud covered the sun. His head was bobbing gently as his wheelchair bumped over the grass.

THEY'RE BURNING I CAN SMELL THEM ON FIRE SOMEONE HELP US! Sarah flinched back stumbling over her chair and knocking it over as she fell into Anne, the bipolar woman who was sitting next to her.

"Watch it!" You crazy bitch what the hell is wrong with you? And I thought I had it bad. Sarah pushed herself up using Anne's shoulders, staring at her wildly as the screams continued to fill her ears.

She's totally lost it. Theresa stood up. "It is MY TURN to share!"

Doctor Hannah stood as well, signaling the orderlies. "Sarah, please sit down, you're scaring the group." I CAN'T HELP THEM HELP ME ANYONE PLEEEEASE!

Sarah burst into tears. "Can't you hear it? Someone help him! Please! I can't -!" Her arms were caught by one of the large orderlies as she spun around, trying to track the source of the screams and the yelling, while the group erupted into chaos and everyone's angry voices filled her head. What a nutjob. Even if she's kinda hot...

Doctor Hannah nodded to the orderlies, who dragged Sarah out of the circle as the patients stared at her in silence, other than Theresa who was still mumbling about how it was her turn and pulled at her eyelashes.

"Make it stop!" Sarah screamed, kicking and yanking at her arms, trying to get out of their iron grip. "Make it stop!" There was a prick in her arm and a warm feeling, and she looked up, surprised as the doctor stood next to her with an empty syringe in her hand. "He's screaming..." She pointed weakly at the young man in the wheelchair and then everything went blessedly quiet and dark.

Lilaena De'Ville

May 30th, 2013, 12:08:08 PM

When she came to she was lying in bed. Sarah blinked and turned her head, looking around muzzily. When she tried to brush her hair out of her eyes she found that she could not. Her arm remained at her side, and her other arm was similarly paralyzed. After a moment of confusion she realized that her wrists were cuffed to a belt that was buckled around her waist.

They'd tied her to the bed! Her breathing quickened, heart beating loudly in her chest as she pulled and twisted ineffectually at the restraints. After a few minutes of straining she flopped back to the mattress, sweaty and exhausted. Sarah pulled at her wrists, the padded leather cuffs circling them uncomfortable but not injurious, and then bucked and struggled with the straps for another couple of minutes.

The door to her room opened, and Dr. Hannah entered. Sarah went still on the bed, panting, as her psychiatrist pulled up a chair beside the bed and put a hand on her arm. "How are you feeling today, Sarah? I am so sorry about the restraints, but after yesterday... they are necessary to make sure you don't harm yourself."

"My head hurts. Everything is... blurry? It's hard to concentrate." Sarah resisted the urge to continue pulling against the straps, her head pillowed only by the mess of her hair after her activities had made her pillow fall to the ground.

"That's understandable. I gave you a sedative so you could sleep through the night - the effects are wearing off. The mental fuzziness should clear up in an hour." Dr. Hannah patted Sarah's arm gently, and then retracted her hand. "Can you tell me what happened yesterday?"

She frowned. "I... I was in group. I heard screaming from ...outside? It got so loud." Sarah closed her eyes, trying to remember without being transported back to exactly how it felt. "You didn't hear it?"

"No, it was quiet. There was no screaming, Sarah."

Sarah's lips pressed into a sad smile, "I heard it clear as day. And I heard... other voices. A bunch of different ones, all talking on top of each other." She looked at her doctor, eyes bright with tears. "I've really lost it haven't I. Am I schizophrenic?"

The psychiatrist was quiet for a moment, and then she said, "Probably not. Auditory hallucinations - hearing voices - can be part of postpartum psychosis." Having that start up after weeks of treatment is unheard of unless she's lying about not hearing them before. May be schizophrenia. I hope I haven't been treating the wrong thing, but with a newborn and suicide - no, no, PPP was the correct diagnosis.

Sarah sighed. "I'm glad you're so sure in your diagnosis, Doc." She couldn't quite keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "I'm not lying, I swear."

"Of course not." Dr. Hannah patted her arm again. "I know that. I trust you, Sarah. You know you can trust me, too. I think over the last couple of weeks we've established a good relationship, and we've been making real progress." Why bring up lying? Maybe she has been lying about her symptoms, and the med decrease brought them back. "I'm readjusting your medications, Sarah -"

"I am NOT LYING I never heard voices before!" Sarah interrupted, angry that the doctor kept talking about her as if she wasn't there. "Maybe if you weren't a bitch then I'd be getting better!"

"Sarah!" Dr. Hannah sounded aghast.

"He was screaming; I could hear him screaming about fire," Sarah continued, her hands balled up into fists. The more she thought about it and the more upset she got, the more she thought she could still hear the screams. Actually, wait... in the distance... She shook her head violently from side to side, trying to clear the growing roar of ocean from her ears. It was separating into words, a jumble of them all assaulting her senses at once. "It's happening again!" she wailed, yanking at her wrists incessantly even though the restraints were rubbing her skin raw. "Make it stop!"

Dr. Hannah stood up, walking briskly to the door. "It will be okay, Sarah. I promise."

"You don't know that!" She had to holler over the noise, it was so loud.

Need more sedatives to go with the anti-psychotics - if I eat I'll get so fat but I have to eat - this job sucks - I want to go home - this puzzle is too hard, where are all the corners, if a piece was missing how would you even know - wish the weather was better, it's too gloomy today -

Sarah arched her back and screamed.