The Tree of Life, The Universe, and Everything, Hold the Mayo, Extra Pickles.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Five months had passed since Dirk Neighborly's life changed forever. And it had been three months since he'd stopped watching Naboo Idol due to a disagreement with the juding panel. But, on the life-changing part, things couldn't be better.

Or, in Dirk's case, more evil.

A trip to Nehantish had scored him a prize beyond any value in the universe, the true Root of All Evil*. By stroking it, nuzzling it, sleeping with it like a teddy bear, licking it, listening to it, using it as a loofah in the shower, and making tea from its shavings, the cosmic menace**. Imbued with the very essence of evil itself***, the Root had guided Dirk from caper to caper as he stormed through star systems, bringing all who met him under his black, iron grasp****.

But, he'd acquired a second treasure on Nehantish quite by accident. Ndonsa, his lovely, teenaged (he guessed), and evil (he's certain, he's been training her and gave her evil tea) Kufu Nehantite sidekick, had snuck aboard his ship of terror*****, the Knife Eye, and she had stayed with him ever since, helping to carry out his evil plans as he educated her on technology, pizza, modern firearms, and general evilness.

Everything was looking up for Dirk Neigborly and his mustache of authority. He'd paid off his credit cards (evilly), lost a few pounds (to get closer to his true, evil weight), and had even managed to lay out his first truly competent plan for his future goals (with a considerable amount of help from Ndonsa.) But still, something didn't feel right. His dreams were plagued with visions of a great tree, its boughs swaying in the breeze, and he knew in his black heart****** that it was a sign, a sign that if he were to plant his Evil Root, it would grow into a towering colossus of evil that would thrive forever and bring him everything he desired. Either that, or it was the tree of good, and he needed to destroy it. Or maybe he'd just had too much pizza after midnight, but he was pretty sure it was one of those first two option.

Clutching the Evil Root tight, the masked not-so-nice-guy turned over in his bed, trying to get a new dream on the other side while his droids, astromech R4-GE and (evil) protocol droid E-VOL, piloted the Knife Eye. The dream wouldn't go away, and now he could see Ndonsa climbing the tree, and he was looking up, up... up her skirt as she did. Okay, this was a better dream already, he had to admit. But why was she in his dream? He hadn't ordered her to climb the tree. Was she destined to take over his evil empire? Was she going to overthrow him? His wicked, tiny brain worked into overdrive at these questions until at last he threw back his covers and stormed into the general living quarters of the Knife Eye clad in a pink bathrobe with skulls on it, and his mask.

"Ndonsa! I've had a vision!" he shouted in triumph, only to realize Ndonsa wasn't there, and she was likely asleep, too. Shoulders falling, Dirk let his mustache ruffle with irritation before he slumped down to a seat and flicked on the holovision. Last time he'd found inspiration in a travel guide, maybe some nature show would do the same thing this time around.

---

* Actually just a normal tree root that he got sold. No actual evil properties.

** Not actually a cosmic menace. More like an transient mild annoyance.

*** No, it's just wood.

**** Okay, he legitimately has stolen some stuff, and has blown up a few things. Mostly by accident. Nobody actually fears this guy.

***** The Knife Eye is actually very well-armed, and is capable of inflicting serious damage. But missiles are expensive.

****** I think that's about enough of these, don't you? You get the picture by now, he's a nut obsessed with being evil, even if he's not actually very good at it.

[Ndonsa]

Five months had passed since Ndonsa's life had changed forever. She had been studying under the village shaman since a very young age, but as she grew older her magic and understanding also had grown, and the old man had felt threatened. He had arranged to have her married off to a local chieftain and thus taken out of his headfur and out of his way. She had responded by refusing, and then running away, stealing aboard this great starship and meeting a man in a black mask. His facefur was still baffling, and the longer she stayed with Evil Dirk the more she was convinced he was effectively a moron, but he taught her how to use computers and his metal helpers, droids, were much more intelligent.

The food was strange and had given her insides much grief as she'd gotten used to her new diet, and the tea he made for her to drink tasted like warm dirt, but Ndonsa did not regret remaining with Evil Dirk. Her time here served a purpose, much as her time in Kuf with her village had served a purpose. It was all a stepping stone toward... toward something.

She turned over restlessly in her sleep, uncurling, and then finally opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling. Beside her was a perfectly made bunk, but she always slept on the floor. The deck, she corrected herself. She had made one concession for comfort, and that was a thin blanket, but really, it was just to stop Evil Dirk from 'checking in' on her at all times during the night. The ship was always pleasantly warm, and she had her fur. A blanket was unnecessary.

Ndonsa stood up, her ears picking up the sound of the hollow vision in the main area of the ship. Dropping her blanket to the bunk, she adjusted her leather skirt and bright yellow bikini top, running her paws along her tail to calm it's bushiness before stepping out of her room to see what Evil Dirk was up to now. The bee-kee-nee had been E-V0L's idea, and she had grudgingly accepted that among the off worlders it had helped keep unwanted attention from her many beautiful beaded necklaces. And she loved the color - it went so well with her red fur.

She padded through the evil ship until she came upon Evil Dirk restlessly flipping channels in his robe and slippers. Ndonsa stood behind the couch, looking over his shoulder. "What is the matter?"

[Dirk Neighborly]

Dirk Lounged back in his seat, his feet propped up on an ottoman, one leg crossed over the other while one of his fuzzy, black bat slippers hung with a lazy sway from his toes. On the screen was a picture of some sort of bird, and the evil genius heaved a sigh as he simply couldn't be bothered to be interested in it.

Mustache twitching as Ndonsa entered the room, he glanced over, hoping she might have forgotten to put that bikini top on. No dice. Returning his attention to the holovision, the scourge of Harpersburg's mini malls scratched idly at the back of his masked head. "I had a vision," he replied. "I'm pretty sure it was an evil vision, but I'm not sure. You were there. You were climbing a tree."

The ugly bird on the screen pitched a grotesque squawk, causing him to pause, but as the announcer cut back in, Dirk carried on. "I think the tree is what will grow from the Root of All Evil. And you climbing it means that I was right, I am supposed to train you and make you my protege."

Another thought fell into his brain as he rooted around his memories for more ideas among all the rubble. "Are there any big trees on your world? Like, really, really, really big trees?" he asked.

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa knew the value of visions, and how to read them. Climbing a big tree could mean a few different things, most of them good. Still, she was fairly sure that Evil Dirk was not blessed with magical visions.

She left alone the statement that she was going to be trained by him as his pro-toe-jay, and focused on his question. "Big trees? Yes, there are many big, big, big trees," she answered, gesturing with her arms for added emphasis.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Again the bird belched it's entirely repulsive squawk, causing Dirk to hit the mute button before looking back up at Ndonsa with her arms spread. "Hmm," he replied.

"Like, big and fat, like four or five of this ship across, fat? Did you climb them? That's what you were climbing in my vision," he said, trying to elaborate, followed by a bit of embellishment. "Though, you were only wearing your necklaces, in my vision. Maybe that means something."

[Ndonsa]

"No, not that big," she said. "Your dream tree is just a dream. Such a large tree does not exist."

Ndonsa looked at the hollow-vision, and then amended, "At least, not on Kuf." His facefur twitched a little, and she added, "Climbing naked in a vision implies baring one's true self in pursuit of a goal."

[Dirk Neighborly]

"Hmm..." the masked man repeated, this time rubbing his chin. "The last bit is so hazy, I don't know if I can remember what it is you were trying to get up that tree. Maybe if you were naked, that could inspire me to remember. I wouldn't want to waste a vision, after all."

In the back of his mind, four words on endless repeat.

Please fall for it! Please fall for it! Please fall for it!

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa snorted, and walked away, rustling up a bit of fruit in the kitchenette. He was really as unsubtle as a primate on one of his beloved evil nature shows. Constantly trying to impress her or otherwise trick her into falling into bed with him. As if that would ever happen.

Biting into the fruit she walked back and sat down near him, but not near him. He was still looking at her, vaguely hopefully. Ndonsa shook her head. "It will not happen, Evil Dirk."

[Dirk Neighborly]

"Hrmph," Dirk hrmphed, his mustache curling into a bristly scowl. Eyes returning to the holovision screen, he tried to think of some other reason to see his protege naked, but nothing sprang to mind. Well, at least nothing that wouldn't inspire some of her truly frightening magic as a backlash.

Typically his droids would have swooped in to save him in such a situation, but a glance found them both plugged in and charging, switched off for the night. "Could happen if you wanted it to," he mumbled. Not showing off a body like that? Now that was evil!

From the ugly bird, the camera panned over a jungle, a jungle much like the one where he'd met Ndonsa in the first place. "It's because I don't have fur, isn't it?" he said, but his line of questioning was cut off, and he bolted up in his seat, eyes glued to the screen.

"That's it! That's the tree! The one from my vision!" he pointed, pausing the feed on a shot showing a whopper of an ancient tree dominating the landscape.

[Ndonsa]

She chewed a mouthful of fruit impassively as he pointed, and then humored him by leaning forward to look at the hollow-vision more closely. "That is," she allowed, "a very big tree."

Ndonsa took another large bite, and spoke around it. "I do not see why I should take off my skirt for a male who will not allow his face to be bare."

[Dirk Neighborly]

"We've been over this," Dirk groaned. "It's for your own protection, so that in case we're ever pulling a job and you get captured by people who are after me, you can honestly say you don't know what I look like, and they'll let you go."

Well, that and nobody was ever afraid of someone who wasn't wearing a mask. With the mask, Dirk wasn't just the most evil wonder of the ages, he was an idea, a concept, a hypothesis! Or was that hypotenuse? Forget it, that wasn't important. What was important was the giant tree on the holovision screen.

Fingers fumbling with the remote, Dirk Neighborly backtracked through menus to see what the name of the special was, and where he could find the giant, evil tree of his evil, yet arousing dream. "Ossus: The Green Canopy," he read the title aloud. "We have to go there! My first vision led me to the Evil Root, and brought you to me, who knows what villainy this tree has in store for us, Ndonsa!"

Leaping to his feet, Dirk dashed to the control panel, then paused, pecking each key on the keyboard one at a time with alternating fingertips. "O-S-S-U-S," he said aloud with each keystroke. A red light flashed, a light ding accompanying it, and he then spun around, triumphant. "We set course for Ossus!"

[Ndonsa]

She had yet to see any proof of anyone trying to track Evil Dirk, and she was fairly sure that she would be able to keep herself from capture. Plus if he never took off the mask, and he didn't, then the only description she could give of him would be the correct one. It was, as E-V0L would say, simply logical.

"Where is Ossus," she said, crunching off another chunk of crisp fruit. "Is it very evil there, Evil Dirk?"

[Dirk Neighborly]

Dirk was ready for this, wringing his hands in delight as he returned to the couch, but didn't yet sit down. "Oh, my Ndonsa, there's evil everywhere, you just need to know how to set it free," he said with a masked grin, his mustache bouncing with joy.

"The Jedi used to live on Ossus, but they left, probably because it was too wicked and corrupt for them, there! But, you and me, we'll find that tree, and if my guess is right, my Evil Root will be nothing compared to the bounty it'll provide! Star systems might fear us now, but with the malevolent glory we're sure to find on Ossus, the entire galaxy will tremble at the mention of our names!"

Raising a fist toward the sky, Dirk shouted, "The galaxy shall knee before Dirk Neighborly!"

And, in that instant, his pink robe with its embroidered skulls slipped open, revealing gray chest hair and tighty-whities beneath.

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa put her paw in front of her face to hide her giggle at his body's pitiful attempt at a fur covering, and coughed. "The galaxy will know your true self, Evil Dirk. Ossus is certainly where you will find what you are looking for."

She nodded her head toward the paused picture on the hollow-vision. "A sign from the spirits, to confirm the one they sent you in your dream." What it meant to see someone else climbing in a dream, naked or not, she was not sure. If it had even been a vision of any importance.

Ndonsa tossed the core of the fruit into the trash can across the room. "I will throw the bones and see what the future holds, if you wish." She touched the soft pouch at her waist that held the blackened knuckle bones she used for divining.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Quick hands closed his robe once more, tying the cord with a second knot, just in case.

"Yes, yes, the bones!" Dirk laughed with excitement. "Let's see what the evil spirits say about my black fortune!"

Sexy, foreign, and a witch? What more could Dirk have ever wished for in an evil sidekick. Well, maybe it'd be nice if she could cook, but he couldn't have everything. Until he ruled the galaxy, that is.

[Ndonsa]

She obliged his excitement, kneeling on the deck and spreading her paws over the space where she would toss the bones, muttering a prayer to the spirits of the air (they were in space, so it seemed appropriate). As she reached for the pouch of divining bones he crouched down near her, obviously trying to see as much as possible of the ritual.

When she went to toss the bones Evil Dirk jostled her elbow, and instead of landing in the sacred (and invisible) circle front of her a few of them skittered across the deck into the kitchen area, while another bounced and landed on the seat cushions. Ndonsa chewed her lip in irritation, looking at the irregular layout, and sat back on her haunches while Dirk peered at the bones eagerly.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Dirk looked on in awe. It wasn't often that Ndonsa worked her magic, but it was black magic, he was sure, and it thrilled him to the core of his wicked little heart.

"Look at how they've spread!" he exclaimed. "This is way bigger than the last time you threw them. It must be a truly important sign, something on par with the scale of my glorious future!"

Seeing the look on his sidekick's face, Dirk's mustache curled down as he grumped. "Okay, our glorious future. Now what do they say?"

[Ndonsa]

An important part of being shaman is to know when to lie through your teeth. The bones that had managed to land directly in front of her could be interpreted as Things-Are-Not-What-They-Seem, but that wouldn't make Evil Dirk happy, and with half the bones scattered across the room who could say for sure what the spirits intended?

"The spirits tell me that your quest will be quite fruitful," Ndonsa said, smiling a little for effect. "As far as the bones have spread so shall your touch on the galaxy. In time," she cautioned. "It will take time for these things to come to pass, perhaps as much time as it would take for your Evil Root to grow into into a tree."