The Root of All Evil

[Dirk Neighborly]

Evil was not a naturally occurring thing, Dirk Neighborly was sure of it. For everything there was a source, somewhere in the universe. Religions taught that it came from demons and devils, fantasy stated that it was a living spirit, and criminal masterminds boasted that they pulled it from the ether.

But Dirk Neighborly knew better.

No, the answer was clear, and while it had been told to every man, woman and child, only HE had figured it out! The root of all evil was, in fact, a root!

For over half his life, Dirk had wondered why his wicked plans and devious machinations had only netted him a modest income. But with the thrill of such a discovery, his grayed mustash flicked back and forth with delight where it poked through his terribly intimidating mask. Dozens feared and respected Dirk Neighborly, but soon more than just dozens would know of him. Hundreds, nay, perhaps even thousands would soon cringe at the sound of his terrible name, and weep for mercy when they laid eyes upon his 'stache. Yes, the Root of All Evil would change his destiny, he was sure of it. But first he had to actually find it.

For nearly two entire weeks he piloted his ship, the Knife Eye, from planet to planet, its cruel shadow darkening literally tens of parking spaces, scoffing at the rules about no in-and-out priveleges at a few of them. He and his minions tore through books, datapads and holocrons about botany, cross-referencing it with his Encyclopedia of Evil (Free Trial Edition), but to no avail. Wherever the secret root may lie, it appeared hidden from the likes of men, which could explain why he was the first to ever realize its simple truth. And so, showing Defeat its guest room, Dirk abandoned his quest for the root and instead turned his attention back to his normal life as a professional not-so-nice-guy and started scanning the classifieds for any "Mercenary Wanted" listings which appeared suitably evil yet not too dangerous.

Nothing, naturally, and after fifteen minutes Dirk was bored, so he flipped to the Travel and Leisure section and carried the tablet with him so he could have a nice tropical vacation while on the john. After drinks, but before dinner, Dirk sat there, thumbing through articles, until a lovely picture of some mildly-dense jungle popped up on the screen. Something about Nehantish, and scenic jungle safaris in the nation of Kuf. Hoping that this article might borrow from the pages of Galactic Geographic and show some females with their jumblies on display, he read on. Sadly, no savage jumblies were to be seen, but there was a picture of some witch doctor or shaman or actor from the Broadway version of The Whomprat King, or something like that, and he was pointing at the base of an ancient tree with his bone knife.

Suddenly everything made sense. That was the tree, and this witch doctor/shaman/songy-dancer person was obviously trying to harvest something from the root, the Root of All evil! The Evil Root! Dropping his remaining deuce, Dirk scrambled to get his pants back up, then carefully wash his hands before racing to the Knife Eye's cockpit, shoving one of his two droid minions out of the way. Once his Galactic Positioning System had warmed up, he laid in a course for Nehantish and punched the throttle as his heart pounded in his ears. Then it was time to sit back, relax, and put on some cartoons because it was a two-day trip from where he was at, and there was no point in being stressed out when he got there.

---

"Watch it with the walkway, this time!" Dirk shouted to his biped droid E-VOL. "You scuffed the landing plate the last time you put it down!"

"I thought I was giving it character," E-VOL repied in his tinny, factory preset voice.

"Evil character?" Dirk asked, arching one eyebrow within his mask.

"It... could be interpreted as evil, sir."

The devious mastermind stroked his mustache with authority. "Hmm, I can live with that."

It had taken some doing, but Dirk had plotted a course which would put him down near the edge of the jungle where that photo had been taken, and minutes after landing he was feeding a credit chip into a parking meter. Little did that meter know that it was a stolen credit chip, and Dirk grinned in delight of his evil genius. If he could come up with plans like this on his own, no one would be able to stop him once he held the power of the root! Allowing himself a villainous laugh, Dirk Neighborly then turned and strode powerfully into the small town which clung to life at the jungle's edge.

"I'm here for the root," he announced to a timid, dwarf mongoose shopkeeper at the first shop he found.

The diminuitive Nehantite cocked his head to one side, his tail flicking in confusion as he stared up at the tall stranger in his dark clothing, and then at the droid behind him with its iridescent pink metal skin. "W-what root, sir? We deal in all manner of herbs and remedies, here."

Dirk's split-toe boots thudded across the thin, cheap rug on the shop's floor, and he stared down from beneath graying brows at the Nehantite. "You know the root I mean. The forbidden root, the one only your kind know. You know the one."

The shopkeeper's lip hung to one side, then he shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "Actually, uh, no, I don't. Could you be more specific?"

Immediately Dirk's hands slammed down onto the countertop, shaking the many jars and vials which stood along its length, and he leaned in, his mustache dangerously close to brushing the shopkeeper's pink nose. "The Root of All Evil!" he demanded. "That one! Evil Root!"

Never before had the shopkeeper been faced with such imposing authority. Face to face with it, he both trembled and marveled at how full, gruff and intimidating it truly was. In no depth of his imagination could he imagine a more perfect mustache, and he found himself buckling to its magnificence. "Evil Root?" he echoed, his brain still reeling from being so close to sheer follicle perfection. "But... but..." he stalled, now realizing he had no idea what Evil Root was, or if it was even a real thing. But there was no way he could deny that mustache what it wanted, so at last said, "But it's forbidden, sir. We should not speak of it!"

"Maybe you shouldn't, but I will," the growl in Dirk Neighborly's voice rumbled from behind his 'stache. "Now, I want it, and I can pay for it, so give it to me."

The shopkeeper's eyes remained fixed on those perfect gray whiskers as he nodded. "Of course, sir. I don't have it here, but I can get it for you."

"You do that," the evil genius nodded back.

In a short blur of brown fur, the dwarf mongoose shopkeeper disappeared outside. Evil Root? Was that really a thing? And this guy was asking for it? Now, he'd been dealing in herbal medicine for thirty years, but he'd never heard of Evil Root before, and slowly a devastating realization dawned on him - this man was an idiot. But an idiot with money! Needing no further time to think, the shopkeeper dashed to his shed to grab a shovel and axe, and fifteen minutes later he returned with a large chunk of freshly-cut root, dirt still clinging to its smaller tendrils.

"Here!" he said in a hushed tone, wrapping the root with sackcloth. "It's fresh, so it should be extra strong. But don't let anyone see it! We're not supposed to sell it to outsiders."

Fishing a stack of credit chips from his black robes, Dirk set them on the table, then snatched up the root. "Your secret is safe with me, little fuzzy one. Now come, E-VOL, we have work to do! Back to the Knife Eye!"

The shopkeeper watched them go, still dumbfounded as to what had just happened, but considerably richer for the effort.

[Ndonsa]

She had been running for hours, at first aimlessly in a futile show of rebellion, and then with purpose as her plan began to form in her mind. She would not breed with the chieftain. She was to be shaman, not some female to make food and watch infants all day. The thought of giving up all she had worked for her whole life was just incomprehensible. Ndonsa ran on, the jungle whipping her along as she leaked up speed. Primates hollered at her from above, and she screamed back at them in here rage. One fell to earth behind her, stone dead.

Ahead the trees did not thin out so much as simply end, singalling the edge of her tribal lands. Ndonsa walked into town.

The huts were strange, but she had been here before and they did not frighten her with their strangeness. She sauntered down the middle of the clearing between the rows of huts, her knife on her hip and spear in her hand. She could see the flying ship, just as she had hoped there would be one, and walked straight to it.

Ndonsa could not see a door, but there seemed to be a seam where one might be. If she could get it open... She poked at the shell of the flyer with her spear, cramming it into a likely crevice to try and pop the thing open.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Dirk stared at the wrapped bundle in his hands as he marched back toward the Knife Eye. He had done it. He had done what no person not in this village or possibly those that people in this village had talked to: he had found the Root of All Evil. Now he just had to...

The mustachioed one stopped in his tracks. There he stood, with what surely would make him the most brilliant, most evil mastermind the galaxy had ever known, or would ever know, and he realized that he had no idea what to do with it. None.

"Sir?" his iridescent pink protocol droid asked him.

"Not now, E-VOL, I'm thinkinkg!" Dirk silenced him.

"I thought I smelled something burning..." the droid moaned.

"Oh, shut it, you, or I'll give you tits."

"Tits with guns in them, sir?" E-VOL inquired.

"My word, the root is working already! What an evil idea, that is!" Dirk exclaimed. "That's it, next stop we make, you're getting machine-gun jumblies!"

E-VOL rolled his eyes as best he could, groaning, "Oh dearie me, I should jump for joy to be so lucky..."

Dirk Neighborly was not listening, instead he was focusing upon the burlap-wrapped root in his hands, feeling the waves of pure evil emanating from it. "E-VOL, take the root and put it in the ship. I'm going to see what else I can scam around here, and - Ooh! Quick! Take my picture with my head in that stuffed lion's mouth!"

"But I just opened the ramp to the Knife Eye, sir," E-VOL complained.

"Oh, just shut up and take my picture! It's not like these... critters are gonna be smart enough to steal it. They probably worship it as a god, or something," Dirk waved off his concern.

A quick, cheesy photograph later, and E-VOL was on his way back to the ship with the root while Dirk reveled in his newly-recharged evil powers among the other various shopkeepers.

[Ndonsa]

She leaped back as the portal opened, and waved her spear menacingly for a moment until she realized she was being foolish. Ndonsa straightened to her full height of five foot seven and put a footpaw on the grey colored ramp. It did not move.

She stalked inside, prowling into the opening that was lit with electric lights. Ndonsa knew electric, but she did not care about it. Electricity would bite you if you weren't careful, just like the cobra.

There did not seem to be anyone at home inside the flyer.

[Dirk Neighborly]

E-VOL trudged quite well for a protocol droid. Typically they walked politely, or sauntered, and sometimes scuttled, but after so long with Dirk, E-VOL had mastered the art of trudging. "Machine-gun jumblies. What rot!" he mumbled, his mouth slit lighting up as he did so.

"I don't think this is even an evil root," he carried on on his way back to the Knife Eye. "Maybe a malfeasant root, or perhaps a slightly naughty root, but I just don't think it's evil."

The gleaming pink droid shifted from trudge to scuttle as he worked his way up the ramp. "You didn't miss anything, R4," E-VOL called out. "He just bought the root, and now he's shopping for trinkets. You'll no doubt wind up with another tooth or horn or something glued onto that dome of yours, if I know him."

R4-GE bleeped and whistled as he pulled out of his charging cubby. The black and red astromech was already festooned with pointy bits of dead animals to the point where his dome nearly resembled a very unruly hedgehog, but the stout droid didn't seem to mind them one bit.

"I don't care if you say it looks manly, I think it looks silly," E-VOL snapped right back at R4-GE, who buzzed at him. "I am not pink, you little half-pint. I'm diet blood and you know it! Oh, you insufferable little..."

E-VOL paused, his head cocking to one side as he began to look about. "R4, do you sense anything different in the air, here?"

A flatulent bleep sent the protocol droid into hysterics. "Ha! So right, the air is fresh! What a delight!"

[Ndonsa]

She had heard the talking well in advance of the appearance of the person, and managed to force open a door that led into a darkened room. It smelled, and not of anything she could easily identify. There was a slight odor of unwashed footpaws underneath everything else, but Ndonsa simple wrinkled up her nose and slipped into the furthest dark corner she could find as the door closed quietly behind her.

The footsteps were odd sounding, but she reminded herself that here the Kufu would wear boots, and with the hard floor of the flyer that would produce a clanging sound. It was fine by her if the one who owned the ship wanted to clomp around like a fool, it only made it easier for her to keep track of how close they were to her hiding spot.

A bird called from somewhere inside the flyer. No bird she had ever heard before - perhaps a creature from another kingdom! She hoped the flyer would take her to Nehantish. Travelers from that nation had come to her tribe when she had still been a child, to teach the tribe of their god, Garfife. The chief had listened to them quite carefully, and then decided their yellow headfurs were quite attractive.

All the Nehantites had gotten away, of course, but the chief still lamented not having a yellow furred head in his hut. Ndonsa listened to the nonsensical conversation going on as best she could, crouched in the dark with her spear and knife ready.

[Dirk Neighborly]

E-VOL and R4-GE continued to banter as they tidied up the Knife Eye. Trash simply went out the door, because they were evil, of course, and nothing stabs so violent at Mother Nature's heart as wanton littering! And it was to such a beautiful sight that Dirk returned, his arms full if goods either ill-gotten or ill-advised.

"Hey, Lucy, I'm hoo-ooome!" he called through the door, causing E-VOL to jump, while R4-GE simply whistled and snorted a flat buzz.

"He he he, I knew you'd like that one, R4," the criminal mastermind laughed, simply dumping his armload of junk shop junk. "But you're gonna love this even more! It's a tooth from a Dummassian Fangbeast! They told me it's a terrifying creature, and ninety percent of its body is all fangs! Here, let me get the glue."

R4 spun in place, his befanged and beantlered dome a severe hazard for catching on things, but he quickly settled down so that Dirk could apply his new macho ornament.

"Okay, done!" Dirk smiled beneath his mask. "Now, we've got the root, so it's time we get out of here. E-VOL, lay in a course to somewhere that has a bad reputation. I'll get the door."

With a wicked hiss, the loading ramp's hydraulics pulled the door shut, sealing the Knife Eye off from the outside world, and the hum of well-maintained engines followed shortly thereafter. Dirk Neighborly couldn't remember the last time he'd been so very pleased with himself. Everything had gone to plan, he had the root, he had some new knick-knacks with little skulls on them, and he had his picture with his head in a lion's mouth. Adding a beer to all that made it the perfect day, and he wasted little time in cracking the can open and flopping down into a chair.

"Boys, I think we're about to re-write the book on evil, and yours truly is gonna be holding the pen," Dirk laughed after taking a drink.

"Wouldn't using a keypad be easier, sir?" E-VOL asked, cocking his shiny pink head.

"It was metaphorical!" Dirk shouted, then raised an eyebrow. "Or maybe I should say... metaphorevil!"

The whistles and buzzes from R4-GE set the three of them into fits of laughter, and as they left Nehantish's atmosphere and plunged into hyperspace, they could nearly taste the wicked deeds they would soon find themselves up to.

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa heard a second voice join the first one, and tensed, facing where she'd entered this dark room. After a few minutes she realized that no one was going to disturb her, at least not immediately, and she relaxed enough to try to look around.

The flyer began to rumble under her footpaws, and she clutched at a pile of boxes, but it did not blow up, or fall apart underneath her. She knew it would not, but being trapped in an enclosed space with hardly any light while she was no doubt hurtling through the air faster than a bird was not something she was used to. After a moment Ndonsa decided that she was being ridiculous, and released her hold on the boxes.

The floor pitched under her footpaws, and she stumbled back into another pile of something, managing to catch a hold with her paws and stop from making too much noise. There was a roar of laughter through the walls of the flyer as it settled around her, the ground staying where it should be after the initial tilt. She huffed, and smoothed down her spiky headfur, running a finger along the beaded band around her head. She just needed to find a place to sit somewhere in this room, where she could wait until they landed on one of the other nations.

Great land masses she'd never seen, but took on faith that they were there. After all, the Nehantites had come from somewhere, and that place was not Kuf. Kdonsa turned around, tucking her knife away and leaning on her spear as she blinked in the dark and looked for a place to get comfortable. The room was full of things, mostly boxes, but there were some items hanging from the roof and they kept hitting her in the face as she crept along.

And then a giant hand planted itself in her chest and threw her against the wall, pressing her there. Ndonsa shouted, struggling against the invisible weight as the flyer roared around her, and then she fell to the ground, boxes tumbling down on her head and back as she gasped for air.

[R4-GE & E-VOL]

"Warning: contents may shift in flight," a pleasant female voice sounded from the astromech's speaker.

"Oh, do you have to do that every time we take off?" E-VOL groaned. "I swear, if you offer us stimcaff, tea or you, next, so help me I'll glue something else to your head that you won't find nearly as funny!"

R4 had the perfect zinger lined up in his database, but held off playing it back as a shout was heard from the guest room. Whistling off a question, he then chirped as E-VOL replied.

"Of course we didn't pick up any guests, you mobile postbox! And no hostages, either. You remember what happened the last time we had a hostage!" the pink protocol droid harrumphed.

[Dirk Neighborly]

"Do I ever," Dirk shuddered.

He had heard the scream as well, and knew it wasn't one of his terror decoys, so it was cause for alarm indeed. Hauling himself up from his chair, Dirk tugged at his black robes to straighten them, then snugged up his gloves. "Stand back, boys. I'll handle this one."

From a hidden cubby marked "STUNSTICKS AND UMBRELLAS" he pulled a black stunstick, then tested the spark at its tip before waving his hand to have the lights brought down in the cabin. "Oh, darkness, you've always been there for me," he murmured, then slapped the button on the door panel and leapt inside, ready to take on whatever Johnny Law had to throw at him!

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa was not terrified, but she wasn't exactly calm either, and she threw the boxes off of her with her magic as the door opened. It was still dark, and she was sure the owner of this flyer would just as soon open a door and throw her to the ground many miles away than let her stay on board.

She stuck out her paw and her spear flew to it, the shaft smacking solidly against her palm as she thrust it out toward the intruder to her hiding place.

[Dirk Neighborly]

"Holy crap it's got a sharp thing!" Dirk's voice echoed through the Knife Eye as he backpedaled, fell on his butt, then scooted out of the room. "Lights! Lights!"

The ship flooded with light as E-VOL flicked the switch, and the ship's captain tossed aside his stunstick in favor of a very large gun from a cabinet labeled, "DEFINITELY NOT VERY LARGE GUNS" The heavy blaster whirred to life with a high-pitched whine as he flicked it on, its barrel trained on the hallway he'd just fled out of.

"I think it's a Dumassian Fangbeast!" Dirk shouted. "R4! Quick, use your spotlight, maybe we can dazzle it!"

The ornamented black and red astromech wasted no time, and in moments its powerful light shot forth a perfect beam which bathed Dirk's mustache in perfect lighting, set to dazzle, confuse and overwhelm any who looked upon it.

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa was advancing on the man when light flooded the ship, and she threw up an arm for shade as her pink eyes dilated. She quickly grew accustomed, however, and was about to throw her spear at the masked being in front of her when another light lit up his face and the fur that was growing under his nose.

And also drew attention to the large black object in his hand. A gun. She'd seen big game hunters use them in the jungle, Kufari who wanted to get a taste of their ancestry. She knew what they could do to a body. Ndonsa paused, her arm tensed to throw the spear, and then crouched back in a show of submission. She was still wary, and though she put her spear on the ground in front of her she took her knife secretively with her other paw.

"I only wanted a ride," she said softly. "Please, do not kill me."

[Dirk Neighborly]

With a triumphant ripple, Dirk's mustache arced as he smiled. It hadn't failed him yet, and he new it never would. As Ndonsa's spear went down, Dirk came up from his seat on the floor, reaching his split-toed boot out to step carefully on the blade, then pull the spear back before kicking it out of the way.

So it wasn't a Dumassian Fangbeast, but just another Nehantite. But not just any Nehantite, it was one of those tribal girls with the mostly-exposed jumblies, the sort that Galactic Geographic never fail to miss in their photo shoots. Dirk looked her up and down, apprising what he faced. She was Kufu, tribal to be sure, with a short, leather skirt to cover her naughtiest of bits, and precious little else but beads and colorful twine braids hanging about her neck to disguise her otherwise bare chest. He hadn't seen her coloration before, red with dark arms and legs, and a ringed tail, so from what he knew of the species, she had to be fairly wild, and that was quite a predicament.

Or was it a blessing? Yes, that was it! An evil blessing of evil! How many pulp stories had he read where the villain had a savage sidekick at his side - the appropriate place for a sidekick, after all. His blue eyes widening, Dirk knew it had to be the work of the root already, and he thanked his lucky stars, as well as a few unlucky ones he wanted to remain on the good side of, that he'd been so incredibly brilliant as to get the root and his sidekick at the same time! The fuel savings alone were mind-boggling!

Shoulders easing back, Dirk let the barrel of his gun dip slightly. "Don't worry, little lady, I won't kill you. I know why you're here."

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa let him move the spear away from her. With her magic it didn't really matter that it was not within arms reach. As the male lowered the gun she perked up a bit, and studied what she could see of his face. He did not seem to be covered with fur, and his shape was all wrong for a Nehantite.

And of course, no tail. She had never seen such a person before, but knew they existed. Perhaps he was not wearing a mask after all, but the black was the color of his hairless skin.

"You do?" She settled back on her haunches, crouched over her knees as she looked up at him.

[Dirk Neighborly]

"Of course!" Dirk laughed. Letting the gun drop to his side, his free hand placed itself on his hip as he stood in the best super-heroic, yet still evil, pose he knew. "You're here because you seek something greater than the path laid out for you. You're here because in your heart you know you are destined for greatness. Fear not, little lady, for the shadowy, well-manicured hand of fate has delivered you unto me, and together we will take to the stars and carve from them our glory and legend!"

As he spoke, his voice swelled to a booming crescendo, his head tilted up and slightly to the side as he raised the hand from his side into a fist, shaking it at the heavens themselves. R4-GE played a triumphant round of applause from his memory banks while E-VOL did the best imitation of an eye-roll as his fixed optical sockets could allow.

His gaze returning to the girl crouched there on his floor, Dirk carried on. "Today I have obtained an item of great power, and with it I plan to make the galaxy tremble at the sound of my name. Is that the kind of power you crave, my scantily-clad little bundle of fuzz? If so, join me, and together we can partake in the bountiful glory that is the genius of my master-plan!"

With that, Dirk extened his gloved hand down to help Ndonsa up. He might be evil, but there was such a thing as an evil gentleman, if holofilms had taught him anything.

[Ndonsa]

She studied him while he prattled on, her head tilted slightly to the side, and when he extended his hand toward her she leaned forward hesitantly and sniffed it. He had a strange musky odor that was not unpleasant, combined with bay leaves, mint, and a sharp metallic smell.

Ndonsa stood up and looked at him, her face impassive. "What item of power do you have?" She could sense nothing powerful nearby, but perhaps he had his magic items in another room.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Dirk's mustache curled upward, both from the sight of jumblie bounceage as Ndonsa stood, as well as from satisfaction of his dazzlingly evil intellect.

"My dear, you may want to hold on to something for this news," he warned her. "For this revelation might shock you to your very core."

The masked man glanced about the room as if he suspected someone else might be listening in, despite the facr that they were already in space and no one could have possibly gotten aboard since the door shut. "What if I were to tell you that I have found the source of all evil in the universe, and that it is now right here, on this ship?"

It was Dirk's turn to take a sniff, and his 'stash bristled a bit at the scent of tanned leather, fesh greenery, a bit of sweat and the coppery twang of blood. Oh yes, there was evil in this one, all right!

[Ndonsa]

Ndonsa frowned. She believed, as did her tribe, in the spirits that inhabited all things. Some were good and some were bad, and she knew how to appease all of them through sacrifice, dance, or song. Such was her training as a shaman. She did not know about the spirits beyond the stars, however. Could they be placated with the knowledge she had?

She found herself clutching the small pouch at her waist that held her collection of blackened knuckle bones, each taken from the paw of an enemy. Perhaps he referred to Garamond, as the yellow furred Nehantites had when they had visited.

"What spirit have you bound to the ship, that produces the evil? I cannot sense it," she replied carefully. She would have to tread carefully so as not to upset whoever it was that this man had brought on board.

[Dirk Neighborly]

"None could sense it, which is why I'm the first to ever discover its truth!" Dirk replied, followed by his very best maniacal laugh.

"It's no spirit, it's the origin of all evil," he continued. "The root of all evil, as some call it, but I'm the first to ever figure out that it really is a root!"

With speed and grace which did not seem to match his body, the mustachioed miscreant snatched up the burlap sack he'd earlier tossed on the main cabin's sofa, and he held it up to Ndonsa. "This, little lady, is the root of all evil, and by its power I'll forever change the galaxy with whatever wicked and terrible thoughts it brings to my mind!"

[Ndonsa]

She narrowed her eyes at the sack, reaching out with her magic and not sensing anything particularly interesting about it. The way this man laughed and carried on reminded her of old Tarinda, the crazy grandmother who lived on the edge of the village.

Had lived, that is, until she tried to kill her son with a hatchet after proclaiming him possessed by an evil spirit. He had killed her in self defense, and then had been executed himself because no one had been able to refute the old woman's claims. Couldn't have people in the tribe running around possessed by evil spirits. The shaman, Ndonsa's master, had taken care of his exorcism with much ceremony and incense. Of course the spirit lived in the possessed's blood, and to get it out you had to drain all the blood out. It was known.

"The Gal Acksie?" She hesitated. "What village is that?" He had mentioned the stars before, and she suddenly ran toward the front of the flying ship, to where she had seen there was a glass window when she had approached it from the outside.

Instead of trees and oceans below them and blue sky all around, there was a multi-colored swirl in the air around them. Ndonsa shrieked, climbing over the shelf covered in lights to press her face against the glass and look for the ground. Where was the ground!?

[Dirk Neighborly]

That was definitely not the reaction Dirk was expecting, and he arched an eyebrow as the ring-tailed mongoose darted past him and scampered over the controls to climb up into the windshield bay. And, like any man would, he let himself fall victim to a touch of naughtiness - even for an evil gentleman - and he stepped up closer to get a better look up her leather skirt, now that her tail was hiked in frantic curiosity, growing bushier by the moment.

[R4-GE & E-VOL]

"Sir! That's rude!" E-Vol piped up once he saw where Dirk's eyes were going.

R4-GE, on the other hand, was already snapping pictures and taking video.

"Oh, you cut it out, too, stumpy!" the pink protocol droid huffed, completley lacking the understanding of just why staring up a girl's skirt was inappropriate, only knowing that it was.

[Dirk Neighborly]

His curiosity satisfied, and rather pleasantly so, Dirk moved his gaze back to the window, and he cleared his throat before chuckling. "This is but one of the many wonders I can show you, little lady," he said.

"We're on our way to worlds under different suns, and fortunes you couldn't even dream of. That's hyperspace, out there, as we're traveling faster than the speed of light. R4, slow us down so she can see the stars."

[Ndonsa]

She gasped as the ship slowed, her paws splayed against the glass as the colors receded and were replaced with white lines. Her tail twitched nervously as the lines shortened until they were dots. Stars. She was so high in the sky there was no more ground, and they were surrounded by the stars. Her ancestors, as her tribe believed.

Ndonsa scanned the view as thoroughly as she could, and slowly backed down off of the table. Her footpads on the ground once more, she turned to the black skinned man. "Where..." The thought of all that nothing around her made her feel dizzy. Ndonsa couldn't help looking out the window, and the stars began to turn in a circle. Vertigo overcame her and she stumbled into the pink metal droid, clutching at it for stability as her vision narrowed to pinpricks.

[R4-GE & E-VOL]

"Oh my!" E-VOL's voice squeaked. Hurrying to help catch and stabilize Ndonsa, the droid looked to his master.

"Sir, my sensors indicate that her pulse is racing at a most dangerous rate. At least I think it's dangerous. I don't know much about this species," the protocol droid admitted.

Meanwhile, R4-GE angled himself back to peek up under the girl's skirt once more, followed by an appreciative whistle.

[Dirk Neighborly]

Dirk watched the whole scene play out as the ship returned to realspace. Yes, this was perfect. So incredibly perfect that it had to be part of his evil plan - a plan so evil he didn't even know he'd written it yet!

"Careful, now, little lady," his voice was saccharine-sweet as he helped ease her from E-VOL's steadying embrace. "Come, have a seat on the couch and we'll get you up to speed."

With easy guidance, Dirk led her to the gnawgahide-upholstered couch - the sort that pull out into an uncomfortable bed, with that metal bar right in the middle of your back because it's evil - and he patted her paw between his hands softly. "You're in space. Do you know what space is? Have you ever been off your world, before? And, do you like pepperoni or sausage on your pizza?"

[Ndonsa]

"Peet-sa?" She pulled her paw from his grasp and rubbed her fist in her eye. "We are in the night sky. Is that... space?" Ndonsa looked at him warily. There was a lot of space outside the ship.

"I have been off the ground before, of course. We climb trees..." her voice trailed off as she watched his expression, seeing a condescending look in his eyes as though he were a mother watching a child try to eat a mud pie. "This is my first time so high in the sky."

[Dirk Neighborly]

Pizza, space, starships, indoor plumbing, the list of things Dirk realized he'd need to teach his new, evil sidekick, ran on and on through his head, and he glanced back at E-VOL for a bit of encouragement.

None, the droid just stood there, busy being pink.

"Oh, we're high, all right," the masked and mustachioed man replied, taking a seat on the other curve of the L-shaped couch. "And when we touch down again, it won't be on Nehantish, it'll be a different world. Let me show you."

Picking up a remote control, Dirk flicked on the holoprojector, then immediately flinched as a paused still of "My Little Waampa: Friendship is Evil" came up on the screen, as that's what he'd been watching last. Banishing it with a click of a button, he set about pulling up star charts and the current solar system, finally bringing up Nehantish as he oribited its sun. "See, this is your world, but from a long way away. It's like a big ball that spins around your sun, which is a bigger ball. Most worlds work like that, really, pretty standard. We had landed here." His gloved fingertip pointed at a region of Kuf as he zoomed in on it. "But now we're out here," he zoomed far, far out, so that the planet was but a speck. "And we're going to another place to resupply."

When that failed to sink in, Dirk sighed and knew that it was time for basic lessons on space travel, how ships work, and the glory of pizza, all with sprinklings of evil thrown in for good measure. It took a great deal of time, and the holoprojector came in quite handy for most things, even if he couldn't exactly how it worked, so it became "technomagic" kind of like his microwave oven, and non-dairy creamer.

Thankfully, a break came with the sound of a ding from his ship's oven, and Dirk sat up in his seat, grinning beneath his mask as E-VOL served up a pair of plates, then a hot, delicious pepperoni pizza to for them to split.

"Ah! Dinner is served! Dig in!" he chuckled, not bothering to wait for Ndonsa to take a piece before grabbing two of his own.

[Ndonsa]

She hesitated, looking at the flatbread and cheese placed in front of her, her mind whirling with the details of space and ships and all the other things that Dirk had told her about over the last few hours. She was certain she couldn't trust food that had been 'cooked' in a box, rather than with fire, but now that she was presented with it her stomach rumbled.

Betrayed by her base functions, Ndonsa picked up a triangular piece and hastily ate it. "Mmm," she mumbled around her stuffed mouth. "'S good!"