Previously, on Das Schwarze Auge...

[Hobgoblin]

Hello, traveler! You seem a bit careworn and world-weary. Care to sit a spell?

I see you shying away. Is it my looks? Now, I'll have you know, skins are not to be judged by their color. Especially green ones.

Who am I? That's not important. Call me Hobgoblin, if you must call me anything.

Yes, it is a bit cold and rainy outside this cave. Here, have some fire.

Whoops! Well, the Magick got away from me there, didn't it? Hm! Good thing you didn't get any on you! Why, I remember the time I accidentally burned down an ancient forest- but that's neither here nor there.

I have to say, it's far tougher to regrow a moon-god's ancient forest in three days than you might think.

What do I do? Well, I travel the many planes of existence, searching for answers. Obviously. Isn't that what all travelers do?

What do you mean you've no idea what a "plane of existence" is? Oh, for Praios' sake humanity. How do you ever expect to grow beyond yourselves unless you take the trouble to visit your neighbors?

Oh, I assure you my tales are quite true. Shall I summon- what would you call it- a Crackling Horror, just to make my point? They're quite friendly, you know. On average, five of their twenty mouths make excellent conversation.

Fine. Be that way. We can talk about something else instead. Something mundane. Boring. Human-centric.

How about this. I tell you the tales of a group of adventurers brought together in this world by seeming chance. A group, who moved on to accomplish great feats of daring-do and whose exploits even now change the face of your world. In exchange, you answer my questions when I ask them.

Yes, all of them.

A fine and fair trade it is, then! Now, where shall I begin. How about here...

It was a dark and stormy night!

Oh, very well. I shall think of something less predictable. In the meantime, you make something for the two of us to eat. There's foodstores in the back of the cave if you're desperate for ingredients.

[Crusader]

No more magic brownies for you! At least not until you fix the grammar flaw in this thread's name.

[Crusader]

BTW I think this thread is a good idea. We should really sum up what we learned last week just in case something got forgotten on the way or was not made clear enough from my end in the first place.

[Hobgoblin]

I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. The tale was always called that.

Now let's see. Ah yes! We'll start with the Brokensword. His name is Kurt Cobain. Or, no. Kurt Angle. Or Kurth Halitosis or something. Yes, Kurth Halitosis. We'll call him the Brokensword because, you see, his sword crumbled like day-old brie.

You want to hear how? Oh, fine, we'll get to that.

He's devout, of course, like all knights are. Third-born of a second-born of a fourth-born- well, to be honest I have no idea of the geneology. Half-pig half-nitwit half-arcanophobe, which is silly really because who doesn't like Magick? Anyway, some smelly dwarf taught him how to fight, so you KNOW he's terrible at it. Somehow, though, he manages to occasionally put the pointy end through something.

Many trees have learned to fear his name.

The dwarf, who we'll call Rammer Jammer Banning Hammer, has one of the biggest noses I've ever seen. If you crossed a nose with a magic-loathing manpig, that's probably almost the size of his nose. He is ugly and smells like rocks mixed with ale brewed in the fires of Mount Cesspit.

These two merrily galavant throughout the land with a bored sissy of an elf. This elf is literally the Das Queen. Maybe. I don't know.

Look, do you want this story or not?

Anyway, the elf does all the stupid things that stupid sissy elves do, including magic and arrows and seeing in the dark. Hah. Like seeing in the dark is hard. JUST LIGHT SOMETHING ON FIRE.

There's also a female. She's always falling over because she's top heavy and trips out of her dress. She steals silly trinkets and coins and occasionally stabs things with her giant knitting needle. Pfft. Whatever. She tried to steal something from Brokensword once, but failed miserably. Apparently the manpig has good ears and now keeps her on a leash.

Not that females ought to be leashed, mind you. Noooo. There's a goddess with a throne of lava that will show you what's what if you think that. Just this one and her sneaky fingers.

I feel compelled to point out, Traveler, that MY fingers are far more sneaky than hers. Why, once I even stole a giant diamond from a Dwarven king. Forgot what I did with it though. It's out there, somewhere.

Anyways, there's a wizard and a pincushion, but they come in later. These four begin our tale.

[Hobgoblin]

The four Questors happened to be traversing a road. It was a short road and, frankly, nothing should have happened on it. But hey, nothing happens everywhere all the time, right? What fun would it be if nothing had happened?

I'll tell you how much fun it would be. Later.

Anyways, as they were traveling on this road, they came upon noises. Now I know your first instinct would be to unleash the Eternal Winds to drown them out. Well, these Questors did no such thing. No, they sent one of their number to scout ahead. Fortunately, their scout bungled the job and drew the attention of the noisemakers. They turned out to be orc-kin. And who better to exterminate them than the Orkin man? He wasn't there, sadly, but the Questors split and slew two of their attackers. They went on to seek out the rest of the orc-kin, slaying them too.

This was how I found them, you see. Killing things makes a bunch of noise and I got curious.

As it turns out, the orc-kin were attacking a gent and his son. Would you believe this gent claimed to be with the Emperor's Guard?

What do you mean, no? It was true, I googled the facts myself.

Anyway, the Questors agreed to accompany this gent on his way to his destination. Having nothing better to do, I followed, staying out of sight. They ultimately came upon a castle, where they were greeted by a bear.

Not a literal bear, twit. The castle owner was nicknamed "the Bear". And his daughter was nicknamed many things, at least according to the conversation I overheard while watching the son of the Guardsman miserably fail to woo her. In the end, she told him to go find the diamond of a Dwarven King to win her hand.

Yes, I did say I'd lost a diamond from a Dwarven King earlier. No, I still don't remember where it is. And it might be the same one, I have no idea.

Anyways, like all stupid kids do, the Guardsman's son accepted and wormed his way into having help from the Questors who rescued them. The Bear added his own contribution - the wizard.

We'll call the wizard Tim.

Because it's his name, you dolt!

Now, Tim is a fine Magickan. He understands the care with which the craft must be woven. Unlike the elf, who just says "Oh, let me prance about and do some magic." Bet the Queen doesn't even spell it right.

But I digress. This fine wizard joined the crew and immediately started hitting on the thief. Or at least I assume he was. I mean, he said "hello". That's the way it's done, yes?

No, that's stupid. You don't get into a human female's bodice by saying "goodbye". Every greeting your kind ever utters is all designed towards sex of some sort, so why deny it?

Just agree and we'll move on.

That's better. Anyways, the four-now-five went north following the directions on a map. Or maybe they followed the dwarf's nose. I assumed it was the map, but maybe the dwarf just sniffed their way north. I wouldn't put it past the boatnose.

Eventually, they found a town and were given lodgings, food, and a set of snow badgers. They needed the badgers because they were going on to a frozen lake, y'see. Once they figured out where the Dwarven Diamond was supposed to be, they realized they'd be crossing ice and snow. And the reason the lake was frozen over was because there was an Ice Elf Queen nearby.

In the end, the Questors reckoned without one thing: an active volcano. The volcano erupted and started sending lava into the frozen lake. The Questors decided to make for the haunted town with the Ice Elf Queen. The dwarf started being terrified of the impending transformation of ice to water, but those stubby little legs can move fast when they need to. The Guardsman's son fell in the water, though, and nearly drowned. In the end, the elf jumped in and saved him like ALL elves do.

Yes, elves are the worst. No, I don't like them. They do everything as though they were born to it, and no one likes a know-it-all.

When they reached haunted Ice Elf Queenshiretown, they realized the Guardsman's son had come down with an illness. They found an old wizard who agreed to watch the boy so long as they snuck in to Ice Elf Queenshiretowncastle and melt down the magic statue that gave her eternal life and power. They decided it would be a good idea first to bind themselves to a terrible blood curse, though. Or maybe they were deceived. I forget and it's not important. What is important is that they actually did the job. They snuck right into the fortress, melted the statue down, and confronted the Ice Elf Queen about her evil ways.

They then learned they'd been duped, and it was Old Man Withers of the amusement park all along. Or the wizard who was looking out for the Guardsman's son. You remember, the one the Questors were supposed to keep safe? Yes, well they all went to confront him and pull off his mask and maybe rescue their charge and feel a little less duped about it all.

Unfortunately, the evil wizard had summoned a demon. And the demon had weapons of fire and terror, against which Brokensword broke his sword.

Now, I do not scoff at demons. Demons are vicious, vicious things in need of a good dentist. They would just as soon chomp out your spleen and then cut you into kebobs than be nice to you.

No, they are NOT the same thing as a Horror. Horrors are just misunderstood. Demons are rage and brimstone and a constantly recurring case of the Mondays.

It was against this demon that the Questors unleashed all the might they could bring to bear. The demon could not withstand their might and promptly exploded, leaving behind little more than a puff of smoke, maybe a demon fart or two, and a bad mood.

At this point, you may have forgotten that the Questors bound themselves to a blood curse. The evil wizard didn't. Using his power over them, he forced them to fight each other. Tim, poor Tim, was shot several times and nearly died. By the namby-pamby elf, no less.

When it comes to forgetting things, however, even the evil wizard wasn't immune. He'd forgotten the Guardsman's son, who stabbed him in the chest and burned the blood contract. Freed of the curse, the Questors slew him outright.

Their search for the Dwarven Diamond drew to an end with the wizard's defeat. The Ice Elf Queen Now-Turned-Normal-Ice-Elf told them no diamond lay hidden in the mountains. Discouraged, the Questors returned the Guardsman's son to the castle of his bride-to-be. Having learned some valuable lesson or other, he decided to become the squire of the castle lord and search for less dangerous things for awhile, like maybe pocket lint.

The Questors, meanwhile, rested from their adventure, not knowing they would soon be thrust into another.

[Sanis Prent]

Hahaha this is excellent :)

[Hobgoblin]

Yes it IS an excellent tale. I'm a master storyteller. Why, I once made a rock golem laugh. Did you know that when they laugh, it's the exact same sound as a very fat hippo crushing a teeny tiny chair repeatedly, except twice as loud and with three times the reverb?

Reverb is short for reverberation, dolt. It's what happens when you pluck a harp in a cave. The string vibrates, but the cave walls bounce the noise around and-

Why am I trying to explain this to you when I could be telling you the part of our tale that actually involves harps? No, don't answer that question. It was rhetorical and no just shut up shut up shutitnow.

Yes, well, okay, so our friendly Emperor's Guardsman has a home to go to, but you may remember he'd been staying at a castle in what we like to call the frozen stupid north. (yes, it's called that because it's frozen, stupid) Well, the Questors agreed to accompany their newfound ticket to high society back to his home and mooch off him as much as possible. It was during this extremely long, risky three month trek from north to not-north that nothing actually happened.

On the plus side, during that time the Questors bonded, sharing experiences, living, loving (in some cases too much), and working on the odd novel project. Then, the week ended and the met a man of Thorwal lying facedown in a gutter drunk.

And by "met" I mean "they too were lying facedown in the same gutter drunk except for Saidra, who was probably swindling someone out of their pants".

Greenwich, for that was the fake name I gave the Thorwalian, turned out to be a Berserker. He agreed to come along for mysterious reasons that involved little to do with drinking money and copious promises of jerky.

They reached the Imperial capital of Gareth in record time, or they would if records had been invented yet. Harps will still in fashion, though, and upon arriving at the Guardsman's house, they met his bardbutler Oddlybird, or "bartler" as they say in the hood. He is, quite simply, the best bard this side of the streets around his block. They also met a Swine Ravenmouth, Chancellor of the Empire, known far and wide for his bearing, his intellect, and his allergy to knight farts.

In a lucky twist of fate, Kurth Halitosis, upon attempting to make a good first impression, farted directly in front of the Chancellor. Quick-thinking Tim cast a spell that turned the fart into a cure for fart-allergy, and the Chancellor was saved from certain death!

In his gratitude, he invited the Questors to come with him as an escort to meet the bride-to-be of the land's Prince. She was fashionably early, the Prince was missing, and since no one was really prepared for anything they were making last minute solutions like mad.

This particular last minute solution turned out by great chance and happenstance to be helpful. For you see, bandits waylaid the Prince's bride to be and her party. Her father, Keanu Banana, was fighting the attackers through diligent use of banana peels in recognition of his family's namesake chosen weapon. Unfortunately, they were slowly being defeated as several kart racers drove through the area and used up the bananas on the track.

Our heroes naturally charged into the fray to do some good (or at least have good done to them). Somehow, the boatnose Hammerdwarf actually noticed several men killed with crossbow bolts. He warned Brokensword and the Berserker, narrowly saving them from certain bleeding as a volley from a hidden crossbow team shot out from the forest nearby.

The Magickan, the Thief, and the Elf stalked the forest and the crossbow team found themselves easy prey. Meanwhile, the Berserker did what he does best and got shot and stabbed several times. In the end, the Knight and the Hammer were able to break through the melee fighting and help rescue the beleagured Banana family tree, including both Keanu and his daughter and future Princess Emer Gency Banana. Scouring the field afterwards, however, they quickly discovered two things: a) someone had made off with the Princess' dowrey and b) really asinine jerkface Raidin Conchshellbear had shown up with his stupid dreamy eyes and Godchariot and killed a whole lot more attackers than they had.

The Knight, Thief, Wizard, and Berserker were tired and decided to head back to the inn to nap and also escort the Banana bunch. Meanwhile, Conchshellbear, the Hammer, and the Elf tried to track the men who'd escaped with the loot. The Elf apparently was too busy practicing deep Elf Voices to find the path. Fortunately, Boatnose was able to smell the money's trail. The escapers took a path through a river, though, and since no one was in the mood for a swim they decided to go back to the inn for a nap themselves. There, the Princess rested up and her guard refreshed themselves. The Questors took the clever step of introducing Oddlybird to Conchshellbear, thereby dumping a fawning annoyance off on the egotistical jerk and solving two problems in one blow.

The following day, everyone decided to head to the great Tournament of Gareth, which was everyone's reason for being in town. Much to their surprise, Oddlybird was stabbed and had only enough time to die in front of the Guardsman's tent before the adventure was TO BE CONTINUED.