Bad Sex Award 2011

[d'Art Lefou]

For those who haven't heard of them, the Bad Sex Award is awarded to the author who has produced the absolute worst sex scenes in a given year. The nominations are open to literary authors only (so no romance, and none of George R. R. Martin's awkward, awful blowjob fixation).

This year's short list is:

Dori Ostermiller: Outside the Ordinary World
Stephen King: 11.22.63
Haruki Murakami: 1Q84
Chris Adrian: The Great Night
Peter Nádas: Parallel Stories
Simon Van Booy: Everything Beautiful Began After
James Frey: The Final Testament of The Holy Bible
David Guterson: Ed King
Jean M Auel: The Land of Painted Caves
Sebastian Barry: On Canaan's Side
Lee Child: The Affair

The Guardian has excerpts from each here (http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/badsexaward). They're definitely worth a giggle.


Having brought Tengo deep inside her, Fuka-Eri remained utterly still, as did Tengo, feeling himself deep inside of her. He remained incapable of moving his body, and she, eyes closed, perched on top of him like a lightning rod, stopped moving. He could see that her mouth was slightly open and her lips were making delicate, rippling movements as if groping in space to form some kind of words.

[Dasquian Belargic]

A scene from Stephen King's 11.22.63

"She said, "Don't make me wait, I've had enough of that," and so I kissed the sweaty hollow of her temple and moved my hips forward ... She gasped, retreated a little, then raised her hips to meet me. "Sadie? All right?"

"Ohmygodyes," she said and I laughed. She opened her eyes and looked up at me with curiosity and hopefulness. "Is it over, or is there more?"

"A little more," I said. "I don't know how much. I haven't been with a woman in a long time."

It turned out there was quite a bit more … At the end she began to gasp. "Oh dear, oh my dear, oh my dear dear God, oh sugar!"

Oh Mr King... :o

[d'Art Lefou]

"Now they fucked in earnest, which seemed like the right thing to do."

I think that might be my favourite sex scene ever. xD

[Crusader]

Then, Bobby starts scrabbling frantically across the carpet for Mr Condom, sending five or six multicolour Durexes flying through the air, and he struggles getting the packet open and Georgie has to roll Mr Condom down Mr Penis for him and she has to help insert him into Mrs Vagina.

If a woman talks like this in bed she will have to finish the job herself because Mr Penis does not stay hard in such an atmosphere.

[Sanis AKA Young Sleazy]

I find sex scenes fucking awkward in print pretty much no matter how they go but these are pretty lol

[Yog]

A freshly made ear and a freshly made vagina look very much alike, Tengo thought. Both appeared to be turned outward, trying to listen closely to something – something like a distant bell.


I was sleeping. Tengo realized. He had fallen asleep still erect. And even now he was firmly erect. Had the erection continued the whole time he was sleeping? Or was this a new erection, following the relaxation of the first (like Prime Minister So-and-So's Second Cabinet)? How long was I sleeping? But what's the difference? I'm still erect now, and it shows no sign of subsiding. Neither Sonny and Cher nor three-digit multiplication nor complex mathematics had managed to bring it down.

hahahahahaaha

[Peter McCoy]

...with both hands thrown high up over his head and his lady lifted to the stars on his impossibly stiff, impossibly eloquent cock.

I spat coffee all over my monitor when I read this!

[Peter McCoy]

On Canaan's Side by Sebastian Barry


We were lying side by side one Sunday morning and with one accord, without real thought, with the simple instinct of ordinary human creatures, we turned to each other and gently kissed, then fiercely, like wakening beasts, and before we knew where we were, like a sudden walking storm down the lake that we had witnessed in the deeper weather, we seemed to go out into a stormy gear, we clutched at each other, we got rid of our damned clothes, and clung, and he was in me then, and we were happy, happy, young, in that room by the water, and the poetry that is available to anyone was available to us at last, and we breathed each other in, and in those moments both knew we would marry each other after all, and not a word needed to be spoken about it.

Longest. Fucking. Sentence. Ever. !.

[Dasquian Belargic]

....and not a word needed to be spoken about it.

Thank goodness!

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Ha! I'm not surprised to see Jean M. Auel on that list. I read 'The Mammoth Hunters' ages ago after finding it stashed away in one of my mom's book boxes. Needless to say my young mind wasn't quite expecting it when I came across the first sex scene that'd been shoehorned in.

[Sanis Prent]

Lemme just buff and shine my true nerd credentials and say that my first sex scene in a novel I read was fucking Star Trek: TNG Imzadi. I think it was something like awkward PTSD jungle sex or something but I forget.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh126/silancy/emot-ughh.gif

[Dasquian Belargic]

I am still trying to get my head around how exactly a cock can be impossibly eloquent.

[Emelie Shadowstar]

Pure talent.

[d'Art Lefou]

I am still trying to get my head around how exactly a cock can be impossibly eloquent.

I can't give you eloquent, but how about elegant (http://whipspiderrubberworks.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=35)? :lol