Peter McCoy
May 5th, 2011, 06:05:12 PM
I'm in an awkward situation right now. This is a long post so I sincerely thank anybody who sticks it out to offer some help/criticism since I'm really mindfucked right now.
Basically, a friend of the family asked my dad if me and my fiance wouldn't mind if his little girl could be a bridesmaid at our wedding. When my dad told me, I said sure thing, though I did find it completely out of the blue considering the first and only time I'd met the kid was less than a fortnight ago at our engagement party. So my fiance is at ours the next evening and my mum asked me had I aske dher. I'd forgotten, so asked there and then. She said yes (feeling a bit on the spot and under pressure in fornt of my mum and dad), commenting that she'd like to meet her properly and get to know her a bit better.
Two days later, my fiance tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable having a kid she does not know in the slightest being one of her bridesmaids. This is also in repsonse to her remembering that she'd said no to her auntie's grandchildren being bridesmaids for exactly the same reasons - she's never met them even once, and how bad it would look if she were to have a strange kid be a bridesmaid.
This point of view, I completely understand. But from my perspective, I didn't think it a big deal to have an extra bridesmaid. The only thing was it was the daughter of a very close family friend who does favours for which I am very grateful. I've known him for years so I'm sure people can understand that I'd want to do him a favour such as this in return. But that doesn't change the fact that honouring said request would mean having a kid we hardly know as a bridesmaid at the biggest day of our lives.
After talking it over tonight, I've supported my fiance's position, and called our friend to tell him that, regrettably, we can't have the kid as a bridesmaid for said reason. He was perfectly understanding, there was no malice involved, we had our usual banter and joking before the end of the conversation. All seeme dhunky dory.
I get home tonight and my mum is absolutely seething. I don't know if she's spoken to our friend or if this is just a delayed rant form when I told her the night before about not having the kid as a bridesmaid. He opinion is this: the friend of the family in question has done a lot for us, favours etc such as helping decorate, giving lifts to the airport in the past, fixing PC's etc. The other side to my mothers coin is the wedding itself - namely that I'm not having any say in what gets done regarding the wedding and that my fiance is in total control.
Now in all honesty, fuck all's been set in stone for now. I couldn't give a shit about the designs or colours of the dresses, nor the suits as long as me and the rest of the guys (dad, Droo etc) don't look like a gang of gobshites in monkey suits. If it's something I have an opinion about, such as table dressings, decor, banner,s balloons, flowers, the cake, venue, food etc, I'll be dictating 50% of it. From my perspectivre, the bridesmaids are the brides domain. My only sibling, my sister, is to be one, which I'm thrilled with. At first her reaction to the possibility of being asked was 'Do I have to?' which suggested to me that she wasn't too keen. I'm not one to force anything on anyone so my responce was 'I'd like you to be, but you don't have to if you don't want to, it's really up to you and I won't think any less of you if you say no' - or words to that effect, it was some time ago now.
Another thing my mum decides to share with me all of a sudden - apparently my side of the family were outcasts at the engagement party, who ended up getting shafted with the fewest, worst tables left in the gaff. For starters, my side of the family arrived pretty much entirely AFTER my fiance's did, so the laws of natural selection were in full effect there. And as for being outcasts - I'm lucky if I spoke three words with any of my fiance's relatives all night - I was hovering from my mum and dads table, to my own friends, to my auntie and uncle's table, back to the folks etc. On reflection I felt kinda bad I'd not really sat with my future mother and father in law et al all night. But no, appraently I'm a twat to my own.
So back to tonight, the explanation as to why my fiance had said no to my friends daughter being a bridesmaid fell on deaf ears, along with the fact that my dad (who was and currently is in bed by the time I got home as he usually is) is fuming just as much as my mum is. My mum has suggested its better if my fiance doesn't come down tomorrow night like she usually does every friday night - the same night my dads friend usually visits every week where we all usually get on like a house on fire every week, because she doesn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere.
Now unless my friend was not bieng genuine on the phone earlier when I spoke about his daughter, which I highly doubt because I've never known their to be a deceitful bone in his body, the only awkwardness to be had will be on my parents behalf towards my fiance's decision.
Now there's been issues in the past with my parents, for want of a better expression, despising my fiance for reason I've never grasped. And there were some pretty hurtful things said about my fiance, which I'm certain my mum would never admit and has probably convinced herself she never said. But after her not being welcome in our house for over a year, some forgotten time ago (14 months or so) I decided enough is enough, we'd be getting married some day so the childishness had to stop, 'she'll eventually be my wife so deal with it' sorta thing and I invited her that very night for dinner. Things had been brilliant since then - until this display when I got home just under two hours ago.
Am I delusional? Should I demand to have a say in who my fiance's bridesmaids are? I'm under the impression it's perfectly normal for the bride to have the final say over her bridesmaids, same way I have the final say over the best man and what the guys wear and who I want to have matching suits etc. Putting myself in my fiance's shoes, I totally agree with her - I wouldn't want to be expected to have a non-family members kid I've never met be involved in a personal, intimate part of a huge event such as a wedding, no matter how close or helpful said friend is.
If she didn't give a shit, then I wouldn't give a shit as well and the kid can be two bridesmaids. But it matters to my fiance so it matters to me? I suppose you could say that our wedding day is the one day in our lives we're allowed to be as selfish as we damned well please. Would you agree? Is she being a bitch? Please help make some sense of all this, it's so frustrating. Seriously, the friggin' things going through my mind right now about tomorrow night, and the immediate future in general! (should I move out since they're so awkward and unwelcoming etc etc etc)
Oh, I told my mum my fiance would be coming round tomorrow as normal. As far as I'm concerned, whatever happens - happens, and I'll be standing by my fiance all the way - if my dad has anything to say about that then he can say it to the mirror image of himself since that's exactly the way he is with anything concerning my mum.
Thanks for reading this guys. If anything's kerfuffled or reads like nonesense, just ask - I typed pretty quickly and frustratedly as I'm sure you can imagine.
Basically, a friend of the family asked my dad if me and my fiance wouldn't mind if his little girl could be a bridesmaid at our wedding. When my dad told me, I said sure thing, though I did find it completely out of the blue considering the first and only time I'd met the kid was less than a fortnight ago at our engagement party. So my fiance is at ours the next evening and my mum asked me had I aske dher. I'd forgotten, so asked there and then. She said yes (feeling a bit on the spot and under pressure in fornt of my mum and dad), commenting that she'd like to meet her properly and get to know her a bit better.
Two days later, my fiance tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable having a kid she does not know in the slightest being one of her bridesmaids. This is also in repsonse to her remembering that she'd said no to her auntie's grandchildren being bridesmaids for exactly the same reasons - she's never met them even once, and how bad it would look if she were to have a strange kid be a bridesmaid.
This point of view, I completely understand. But from my perspective, I didn't think it a big deal to have an extra bridesmaid. The only thing was it was the daughter of a very close family friend who does favours for which I am very grateful. I've known him for years so I'm sure people can understand that I'd want to do him a favour such as this in return. But that doesn't change the fact that honouring said request would mean having a kid we hardly know as a bridesmaid at the biggest day of our lives.
After talking it over tonight, I've supported my fiance's position, and called our friend to tell him that, regrettably, we can't have the kid as a bridesmaid for said reason. He was perfectly understanding, there was no malice involved, we had our usual banter and joking before the end of the conversation. All seeme dhunky dory.
I get home tonight and my mum is absolutely seething. I don't know if she's spoken to our friend or if this is just a delayed rant form when I told her the night before about not having the kid as a bridesmaid. He opinion is this: the friend of the family in question has done a lot for us, favours etc such as helping decorate, giving lifts to the airport in the past, fixing PC's etc. The other side to my mothers coin is the wedding itself - namely that I'm not having any say in what gets done regarding the wedding and that my fiance is in total control.
Now in all honesty, fuck all's been set in stone for now. I couldn't give a shit about the designs or colours of the dresses, nor the suits as long as me and the rest of the guys (dad, Droo etc) don't look like a gang of gobshites in monkey suits. If it's something I have an opinion about, such as table dressings, decor, banner,s balloons, flowers, the cake, venue, food etc, I'll be dictating 50% of it. From my perspectivre, the bridesmaids are the brides domain. My only sibling, my sister, is to be one, which I'm thrilled with. At first her reaction to the possibility of being asked was 'Do I have to?' which suggested to me that she wasn't too keen. I'm not one to force anything on anyone so my responce was 'I'd like you to be, but you don't have to if you don't want to, it's really up to you and I won't think any less of you if you say no' - or words to that effect, it was some time ago now.
Another thing my mum decides to share with me all of a sudden - apparently my side of the family were outcasts at the engagement party, who ended up getting shafted with the fewest, worst tables left in the gaff. For starters, my side of the family arrived pretty much entirely AFTER my fiance's did, so the laws of natural selection were in full effect there. And as for being outcasts - I'm lucky if I spoke three words with any of my fiance's relatives all night - I was hovering from my mum and dads table, to my own friends, to my auntie and uncle's table, back to the folks etc. On reflection I felt kinda bad I'd not really sat with my future mother and father in law et al all night. But no, appraently I'm a twat to my own.
So back to tonight, the explanation as to why my fiance had said no to my friends daughter being a bridesmaid fell on deaf ears, along with the fact that my dad (who was and currently is in bed by the time I got home as he usually is) is fuming just as much as my mum is. My mum has suggested its better if my fiance doesn't come down tomorrow night like she usually does every friday night - the same night my dads friend usually visits every week where we all usually get on like a house on fire every week, because she doesn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere.
Now unless my friend was not bieng genuine on the phone earlier when I spoke about his daughter, which I highly doubt because I've never known their to be a deceitful bone in his body, the only awkwardness to be had will be on my parents behalf towards my fiance's decision.
Now there's been issues in the past with my parents, for want of a better expression, despising my fiance for reason I've never grasped. And there were some pretty hurtful things said about my fiance, which I'm certain my mum would never admit and has probably convinced herself she never said. But after her not being welcome in our house for over a year, some forgotten time ago (14 months or so) I decided enough is enough, we'd be getting married some day so the childishness had to stop, 'she'll eventually be my wife so deal with it' sorta thing and I invited her that very night for dinner. Things had been brilliant since then - until this display when I got home just under two hours ago.
Am I delusional? Should I demand to have a say in who my fiance's bridesmaids are? I'm under the impression it's perfectly normal for the bride to have the final say over her bridesmaids, same way I have the final say over the best man and what the guys wear and who I want to have matching suits etc. Putting myself in my fiance's shoes, I totally agree with her - I wouldn't want to be expected to have a non-family members kid I've never met be involved in a personal, intimate part of a huge event such as a wedding, no matter how close or helpful said friend is.
If she didn't give a shit, then I wouldn't give a shit as well and the kid can be two bridesmaids. But it matters to my fiance so it matters to me? I suppose you could say that our wedding day is the one day in our lives we're allowed to be as selfish as we damned well please. Would you agree? Is she being a bitch? Please help make some sense of all this, it's so frustrating. Seriously, the friggin' things going through my mind right now about tomorrow night, and the immediate future in general! (should I move out since they're so awkward and unwelcoming etc etc etc)
Oh, I told my mum my fiance would be coming round tomorrow as normal. As far as I'm concerned, whatever happens - happens, and I'll be standing by my fiance all the way - if my dad has anything to say about that then he can say it to the mirror image of himself since that's exactly the way he is with anything concerning my mum.
Thanks for reading this guys. If anything's kerfuffled or reads like nonesense, just ask - I typed pretty quickly and frustratedly as I'm sure you can imagine.