Characters In Review.

[Blade Bacquin]

This a review of some of my characters anyone opinions are welcome. This is not a review of my writing skill because well I already know I suck at that. I'm not good at writing I do it for fun and to as an outlet for my overactive imagination. I will never have delusions that I will be good or have an ounce of natural writing skill. SO this is just for the Character or Characters in general.

So to start off.

Character Name: Blade Bacquin
Alas: Blade Ice
Wiki: here (http://www.sw-fans.net/wiki/index.php?title=User:BladeBacquin-2871)

Occupation: Sith Lord (equivalent of high ranking knight on the verge of being a master)

General Attitude: Blade is a warrior at heart and believe there is no true honor in a fight you do anything to win or you die. He use to like to play the antagonist but over the years that instinct has been beat out of him by his Master Aria. He wants to break loose and be a rebel like he once was in his past life but so far he has only had minor outbursts. If let loose he is very good at creating trouble where there isn't any. If kept shackled (metaphorically speaking) he becomes defeated, he hates being controlled believing in true freedom. To him being sith means being absolutely free

Strengths: His fighting skill. A knack for understanding how weapons work even if it's new to him. His ability to enter certain peoples dreams. He treats all of his enemies with an odd sense of respect. (meaning he believe they all have the chance/potential to beat him. He is never overly confident giving ever opponent the benefit of the doubt. this can be either a strength or a weakness), almost no fear.

Weakness: Most other force abilities don't come extremely easy to him. (even though his arsenal is still very potent.) He is very self destructive and is his own worst enemy. He is very seldom ever happy with what he does have. (which is nothing atm.) He thinks he can make this universe like his own.

Quick Bio: Blade poses as a human but his orange eyes are a dead giveaway that he is something else entirely. What he is not even he is exactly sure.

He came to this universe from a parallel universe on accident. It's hard for him to cope at times with the differences from this place and where he came from. He sees similarities but there are more differences in actuality. He knows how history played out where he is from and tries to use it to predict how this one will play out usually to a failing end.

He is searching for something but what that something is I'm not sure he even knows. In the process he has to deal with a master who has Very different Ideals then he does. Even though he doesn't want to admit he loves his master despite what he thinks are her flaws.

Impact On the Galaxy: Minimal to none what so ever. He is a virtual unknown.

Thread with the most Influence:

New Religion (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=13139) - Dani Likes this one that's why.

Grand Coruscant (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=13042) - Probably his most notable moment if he has any.

Sorsha trilogy
Lost Infamy (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=17157)

Slumber Party with Carbon Bars (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=17452)

Legacy (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=17637)

Current threads:
Man seeking Alliances (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=20852)


Accomplishments Thus Far: None he hasn't achieved anything

Failures thus far:
Failed as an independent sith with his in ability achieve any sort of success.
Failed at attempting to make a group
Failed at joining up with another group and aid them

Authors Rating (of success on a scale of 1 to 10): 2 for the getting on the most wanted list for stalking Miranda Tarkin and for his tormenting of Sorsha.

Future of the Character: Bleak there really isn't anywhere for him to turn. He has no allies or anyone to look for aid. He is currently on a list for possible casualties in another idea I am working on.


So that is my grade of of this character what is the rest of the viewing audiences grade on Blade Bacquin.

(I will throw another character in here in a few days to be graded.)

[Tear]

Are you looking for an honest review? Because I'm worried if you can respond to criticism without becoming too defensive. Also dismissing someone's thoughts on an particular author(yourself in this case) might deprive you of some insight that would otherwise help you improve. There is a degree to which a writer's capabilities interfere with the way his characters comes across. Weather it's by grammar or even the authors intent for his/hers stories and characters.

So if you want an honest review from me and not just a light appraisal you'll have to take some constructive feed back on your ability and attitude as a writer. Let me know if you want to hear it.

Also, if this text comes across as harsh it is not meant as such. I'm not trying to open a door to bash you or anything. This would be in true and honest review on what I've seen of your characters and you as a writer.

[Blade Bacquin]

If you want to comment on my writing that is fine like I said I am well aware I suck at writing. I won't get defensive about that because you are going to say my grammar is bad (yup can't deny it). Tell my spelling sucks (so true). If you want to critic my writing go ahead. :) There ain't much you can't say that I don't already know. All I can say that might come off as defensive is for a guy who had allot of trouble reading growing up I try to do my best and I know it ain't good enough but it's something.

So go ahead.

If it something not related to the writing or character in general and you feel it needs to be said go ahead. At the moment I putting serious thought into leaving fans because I don't feel I'm good enough to rp here. So what ever you got throw it at me. I will remain pretty much silent until I add another character into the mix.

Your comment did not in anyway come off as harsh. :)

[Tear]

My well known, or perhaps not so well known, secret is that I also really struggle with writing. It does not come easy to me as it does to most people on this board. Writers like Aurelias Kazaar or Hera, with whom I write with frequently, out pace me by such massive leaps it makes me look like a child struggling with ABC's. I generally spend several hours on single paragraphs and very routinely spend days on single posts.An average length post generally takes me a day or two to complete. I usually have to root through it, fixing spelling and punctuation errors, which are many. (I hated English in school. So I never really learned proper grammar and punctuation. I tend to copy what I see and hope it's right when I use it.)

I then write and rewrite to try and make things flow well. Sometimes I find the mood I was in when writing the piece doesn't reflect the character properly, which again, means I should rewrite it. I'm also dyslexic, so I struggle with syntax a lot. My attention also sucks, so keeping my focus while writing is another reason why I take so long.

Why am I telling you this? Because I don't want to come off as thinking I am better then you. I'm not. However I do have tips on what helps me when I write and maybe it can help you too.

Character: Blade Bacquin.

The concept of the character is interesting. A being somehow brought from one dimension into another. How or why, no one knows. (A tongue and cheek way to explain his existence from pre to post reset using the same character. It's clever.) In any event, it's a background thats left very open, which is a good thing, as you can come up with a ton of different stories using his origin as a launch pad. Which you've done, at least in flashback form, in the Sorsha story lines.

So in a nutshell, Blade Bacquin is trying to reclaim his former glory and raise the Sith or more accurately himself back to power.

His personality is a bit hard to get a handle on in the earlier threads. You describe him as rebellious and it shows, but maybe too much. I find it hard to picture Sith Lords tormenting shop keepers, or playing pranks with squirrels, especially if they're supposed to be contemplating galactic domination. You've got the character professing his untamed love in one scene then a short time later demanding freedom or death. It's a bit jarring.

From the threads you listed there does seem to be an evolution into a more sober type of character which is nice to see. But there is no explanation for it. I believe all that happened was your writing style began to mature and the character changed with it.

My only suggestion for the character is to keep trying to refine his long term goals. When you get an idea for a thread, break it down into simple story arcs. Story arcs that have a clear ending or that contribute to a solid arc of where you want that character to end up. Keep his personality in focus when you write him, don't let your own personality bleed into it.

Your writing is admittedly tough to follow. Its curt, rough and at times feels like its written in note form. I think this is because you've come up with the idea in your head, but you have a hard time translating it into text. So you rush out the ideas.

This is probably best seen in your dialogue where the characters speak as if it's been translated from another language. Everything is very abrupt and robotic. It can be confusing, writing simple descriptions is great, cleaning the fat from dialogue is also great, but don't let your dialogue become flat.

"There are no sith here just us witches, now die!"

Your forcing the information out, hitting the points you need, then running your ass through the sentence without looking back. You could have made the exchange between the two character a lot more interesting. Have the Witch lie, try to draw out information about who Abilus might be, or why Blade was looking for her on Dathomir. Instead you jumped into a fight scene.

Writing processes that might help.

After I've finished a piece. I read it over. I edit the punctuation the best I can. Then I check its flow.

- Do my eyes follow it easily? Are there spots where they have to stop or backtrack?
- Can I make things simpler? Don't over complicate sentences.
- Read what you've written out loud. If you can say it easily chances are people will be able to read it easily. But if your tongue gets stuck in your teeth, or if you need to take a breath to finish the sentence, or it sounds like your reading something from a elementary book, chances are it needs tweaking.
- Avoid vague remarks. There's no need to be vague to your reader. If you want to hide something from them simply don't write it. Being vague just frustrates the reader as they try to understand what your character is doing.

"He is searching for something but what that something is I'm not sure he even knows. In the process he has to deal with a master who has Very different Ideals then he does. Even though he doesn't want to admit he loves his master despite what he thinks are her flaws. "

This is all over complicated and vague.

Blade is a character lost in a dimension not his own. He struggles to regain purpose while traveling with his new master and lover, Aria Sihin.

I basically cut the fat from the sentence. Leaving just the crucial information. The rest can be learned by the reader if they choose to follow up and read your stories.

- Avoid using too many adverbs, example (taken from a website)

Poor Writing:
An example of how too many adverbs can ruin the storytelling:

With a lowered head and eyes fixed in front, she moved silently, swiftly and carefully like a cat stalking its prey. The dirt worked its way stubbornly into her fingernails. She coughed softly and carefully continued on her way.

There are six adverbs in this passage: silently, swiftly, carefully, stubbornly, softly and carefully.

Better Writing:
Simply by removing the adverbs, the passage loses nothing of the meaning but the clutter:

With a lowered head and eyes fixed in front, she moved like a cat stalking its prey. The dirt worked its way into her fingernails. She gave a muffled cough and continued on her way.

Then I make sure it's interesting to read.

- Does the imagery come across clearly?
- Is there any way I can draw the reader deeper into the action? (Avoiding past tense is a good way to help this, ie: The Storm trooper was shot by the midget to The midget shot the storm trooper. )
- Is there anything I can describe to help set the scene the character is inhabiting? Sounds, colors, textures, smells, things described in such a way the reader can relate. ie: It smells like burnt hair.

After that I read it over again.

- Does the writing fit the character? This is important. You can have a huge hulking monster act like a child, but keep that attribute consistent. Having a character acting like a teenager one moment then acting like an old samurai the next is confusing for the reader. Anime characters do this a lot.(the crap anime at least) One scene it's slap stick comedy and the next is a moody fight to the death. Characters can joke around but make sure it's done within the realm of that character.
- Are my characters reactions realistic to the world around them? Is there a good reason for my character to be smiling? Or did I just put that in as filler to finish a piece of dialogue?
- Does the dialogue fit the character properly? Does the tone suit the mood. Is there a point for the character saying this or is it just pointless banter?
- Character bleeding. Do my personal emotions, mannerisms, and opinions leak into the character I'm writing? This is also important. If this happens it can give your character a mixed personality that doesn't make sense.

- Also, use a word processor. These programs usually catch 90% of my spelling mistakes and make for easy editing.

Now, you are not guilty of everything I've written here. But I've found that the above has helped me in my writing and hopefully you might find it useful as well.

Your Attitude as a writer.

You seem to have a lot of initiative. You've also got the drive to create and build stories.

But you've got to stop this broken toy syndrome. Listing failures. Giving yourself a two out of ten. Claiming your future is bleak. Opening sentences with 'I know nobody cares what I think.'. It makes me picture some emo kid sitting at his computer cursing the world for not understanding the unique snow flake that he is.

It's self defeating and comes off like a cry for attention.

You've also got to get used to the fact that on the internet people have opinions, lots of them. I've seen more then a couple of threads you've started where people showed interest but they were leaning away from your original idea, or they've come in and proposed a change, in both cases you've sort of tossed your hands in the air, said, 'Whatever. I'm sorry I exist.' Took your ball and went home.

Try to persevere through this mentality. Building characters and stories takes a long time. Especially on these boards, but anything worth doing generally takes time. Stick with it.

[O.W. Outcast]

This is O.W. Outcast and because it's O.W. he will be doing this one in his own words rather then the author's words.

What is your name?: O.W. the Outcast the third (O.W. Outcast for simplicity)

What does O.W. stand for?: It's my first and last name duh.

Yes but is your first and last name?: If I told you then everyone would know. Then next thing you know people start using it and then the authorities find out. then it all gets messy from there, so I can't tell you what O.W. stands for.

So then whats the Outcast part?: It's a title earned by some members of my family to signify them as ousted members of a particular group on Duros. Both my father and and grand father hold the title like I do as does my cousin Carl.

Do you have any Alias?: Oh I sure do Little man, mean green sex machine, and ton other ones that talk about my prowess in the sack. Carl calls me brother even though we are actually cousin's I don't know what that's about. I'm sure there others probably even a few derogatory names but I try to remain positive.

Wiki: here (http://www.sw-fans.net/wiki/index.php?title=User:OWOutcast-3134) nothing there though but he has one. lol

What is your occupation?: I'm the best dam boss int he world.

Yes but what do you do?: Besides your mom on Sundays?

Ugh yes beside my mom on Sundays?: You really need me to spell it out for you, I rob for the rich and make myself richer, I am a P.I.M.P, I sell war to those that war, and I got what ever you need to get that fix you need. It's simple I'm a business man and if I don't got what you need I will find it. Some call me a criminal and they are entitled to there opinions. My company is Black Nebula and I'm the boss.


What do think your general attitude comes off as to others?: Well I don't like to speculate to much about what others think of aspects of me. It leads you down a path where you constantly trying to seek approval and become more like everyone else wants you and less like your self. People may like you more but you will loathe yourself. Yet if I had to speculate I would say they find have a good sense of humor but can be serious when the time is right. They might think I'm a womanizer and a thrill seeker. All around I would hope they say I'm a good and honest man even in the occupation I am in. I like to have fun that is for sure and I love my job.

What are your strengths?: I loyal to those I have worked for, I'm loyal to those that work under me. If you treat me right I will treat you right. I have strong leadership qualities. Women are drawn to me and I can make one mean ham and cheese sandwich.

Do you have any weakness?: I don't like to admit them but sometimes I am to caring and giving. I can't move stuff around the room with my mind. I'm short in stature so big people often step on me. Hutt's think I'm a rare delicacy and often try to eat me. I'm a sucker rare and exotic women with humanoid features with only a few exception. Also I'm just way to dam lovable.

Quick Bio: O.W.'s father was a the senator of Duros up until the senate was dissolved. His father is still a political figure in some capacity on Duros. However O.W. has been disowned by his father and mother for his criminal activities on Duros itself.

O.W. was once the biggest crime boss on Duros and kept groups like Black sun out with his power and influence on the planet. However when the Planet was subjugated by the empire O.W. had a fall from grace and was forced to flee.

With the help of Mando named Gerbo Lang he managed to avoid Imperial capture. Everything striped from him O.W> Had to start over again so he went before a former enemy (black sun) and pleaded his case. Sorsha's black sun took him in to help him reclaim his glory.

He quickly rose through the organization making himself one of Sorsha's primary advisers. Eventually he took her position as head of the Now Black Nebula when she choose to step down. That is where he is at today on the top once more.

Impact On the Galaxy: He runs one of the biggest (if not the biggest) crime organizations in the galaxy. His personal impact is small but as a the crime lord of the BN it has it's hands in allot of pots so it is unknown how much total impact he has.

Thread with the most Influence:

I'm not saying he doesn't have any I just don't know out of his threads if any of them are influential.

Current threads:
NA


Accomplishments Thus Far: Becoming head of BN.

Failures thus far:
Failed at becoming the emperor dam that Miranda! *shakes fist*
Failed at wooing the empress', dam her for choosing that meat bag Gallus! *shakes fist.*

Authors Rating (of success on a scale of 1 to 10): 7 he is probably my most successful creation and I have no idea why. However he is terribly hard to write sometimes do to the humor side of him. I still love this guy.

Future of the Character: I have no idea honestly. If BN breaks apart and is absorbed by BS as a character I can't see O.W. playing second to Sasseeri simply because of the amount of respect he had for Sorsha. He more go and start over again before letting Sorsha's biggest rival defeat him like that.

(Anyone who chooses to join in can also still review blade if they wish)

[Jackson Mcgraves]

Character Name: Jackson mcgraves
Alas: Hero of lower Coruscant
Wiki: NA

Occupation: Jedi (rank padawan)

General Attitude: Jack is a kind man who cares about the plight of the galaxy. He never gives up in his dream to build a new Jedi order. He is a very much a dreamer with delusions. He comes off as crazy most of the time. He also one of those people that is easily forgotten. He is quite for the most part except when he puts a mask on then he becomes the Hero.

Strengths: He is a hard man to beat in terms of moral.

Weakness: Can be slightly reckless when he is playing the Hero. He isn't very well trained in the force. When not wearing his superhero mask (taking on his alter ego) he is an introvert. He never has a real plan he just wings it when he plays the hero.

Quick Bio: Jack was trained by a Jedi knight of the old order after the purge. Him and his brother Allex help the Jedi and in turn Jack got trained somewhat int he arts, Allex refused training. The Jedi taught Jack of many things and often spoke of the Jedi order and how great it was.

So time passed and the knight was killed by imperials before Allex could arrive to extract both the knight and Jack. So Jacks training was never completed and his master being dead leaving him thinking he was the last of the Jedi.

For a time him, his brother and niece ran around as doing smuggling jobs for crime organizations and occasionally the rebellion. Jack's other brother Jason Allex's twin caught up to them. In a fight and mass confusion Jack thought he had killed Jason leaving Jack for time to contemplate if he really was a Jedi.

During this time Allex thought it best for him and his little brother to part. So Allex left his brother deserted on Curoscant and that is where Jackson has been for the last three years. Being Jackson and the Hero of Curoscant when ever he puts on his mask. Someday he will rebuild the Jedi Order since he is the last of the Jedi or so he believes. (he has only met one other Jedi Loki who helped him for a short while before disappearing Jackson believes the evil queen took him.)

Impact On the Galaxy: None he is a nobody a forgotten Jedi.

Thread with the most Influence:

Twists of Fate (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?p=222108#post222108) - seemed to be a favorite of a few people.

Hunting Heroes (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?p=300881#post300881) - a few people liked this one too.

Fidem Vita Fateri (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?p=302439#post302439) - wish this one would have gotten finished.

The Sins of Men part 1 (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=19153) - has some of his back story

Current threads:
The Last Jedi! (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=20332)


Accomplishments Thus Far: None

Failures thus far:
Failed in any attempt to get anyone to help join up with the rest of the Jedi and not for lack of trying just no seemed to want to help.

Authors Rating (of success on a scale of 1 to 10): 4 fun to write but nothing really to do beyond rping by myself with him so nothing will ever come of him.

Future of the Character: Not much of one he could join the Jedi on the wheel but that's if I could actually get someone to tell him where the Jedi are or have someone help him find them. On his own he won't get anywhere.

[Max Cyn]

Character Name: Maximilienne Annabella Cyn
Alas: Max Cyn
Wiki: here (http://www.sw-fans.net/wiki/index.php?title=User:MaxCyn-4963)

Occupation: Secretary to Miranda Tarkin

General Attitude: Has a good sense of duty and is very devoted to her work. Protective of her younger brother (whom is currently in prison good job n protecting there). She is far from the emotionally invincible person she pretends to be. Most people see her as very professional and respectful. She however does have a joking and sarcastic side to her.

Strengths: Very professional, good at her job, knows how to handle the media, and very level headed.

Weakness: Hides her true emotions to allot of situations. Has a daddy issue which has pretty much ruin her personal life. Blames her self allot for even things that are no where near her fault.

Quick Bio: Born on little kessel to a dirt farmer and disowned landowners daughter. Her mother's father is extremely wealthy but cares not for her and her family. Her mother's brother was married into the Antilles of Alderaan family. Her uncle was killed on Alderaan when it was destroyed.

Also when she was young her mom died leaving her with just her brother and father. Her father eventually took his own life. She had to raise her brother from then on causing her to grow up fast. However she was determined to pave her own way. She eventually sold everything she own to go to college on Coruscant as her little brother joined the military.

Graduating near the top of her class she went on to join the COMPNOR and eventually became the first choice to be Miranda Tarkins secretary.



Impact On the Galaxy: As of yet none probably won't have much of one unless she writes a tell all about Miranda later in life. lol

Thread with the most Influence:

Incarceration 101 (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=20757) - not her thread but has some backround on her and her brother.

Current threads:
All Things Shiny and New. (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=20774)

Accomplishments Thus Far: None fairly New to the game

Failures thus far:
Hasn't had any yet.

Authors Rating (of success on a scale of 1 to 10): 7

Future of the Character: Not exactly sure beyond what little me and Miranda have planned. I don't see her as a up in front character more of a background character with a side plot to give her some personality.

[Kira Draykin]

I will throw this Character into the mix. Not much about her but she is allot of fun.

Short Bio: She was sold into slavery by her father at the age of 16. She is now 26 and hopefully about to get her first taste of freedom. She thinks she has found her hero in one Vishan Korogoth. Will he be able to save her from her slave chains or will she end up saving him from himself.


Current and only thread thus far:

Shattered Heroes (http://sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=20752)


(again you can Critique any of this characters or my writing if you wish.)