A Study in Tolerance

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

It was a decision to abandon all common sense that brought her to where she was now. A singular moment of simmering, hidden rage that tipped her away from her right mind and drove her to do something that she had done less than a handful of times in her life. With this new knowledge that Sanis had indeed joined the Alliance, the Lupine knew all too well the reasons behind it... that he'd done it to spite her; an action born of his own brand of rebellion. That she might have gone beyond her boundaries she refused to accept. No. She had been in the right, she was convinced of it. For too long Prent had done his best to dance a fine line without doing what she knew, and what he knew, needed to be done. That he'd done it - not out of conviction for any sort of righteousness but rather to flaunt it in her face was enough to banish any notion of productiveness for the remainder of the day.

And instead of being allowed the chance to further chastise him for throwing her own words in her face, s'Il had instead opted to delay her engagements. She didn't want to have to think about each and every little nuance of the duties expected of her. Despite the calm exterior she put forth while making her way back to the quarters belonging to herself and Dan, the utter contempt and anger directed at Sanis consumed her inner being. The mask she wore hid her true emotions flawlessly. She even gave passing nods to those who dipped their heads in respect.



But now?

Now she sat, half hunched over the table in the kitchenette. A blank look in her eye and an empty bottle of Lupine whisky almost lovingly cradled in the crook of her arm, s'Il stared. With her back to the rest of the interior of the quarters, her brooding continued in silence. She'd sat like this for hours, content to do, well, nothing. Each drink she'd taken took her farther away from reality. It was something that she'd never thought herself capable of; becoming so inebriated that her only thoughts became centered on the wall across from her. The anger had been transformed into something far more irrational than when it'd originally started, and from there it became a competely ludicrous train of thought. It all flew int he face of sense; of order... of everything. Who in the hell did Sanis Prent think he was? Who did he think he was to spit in her face and act like some rebelling child throwing a temper tantrum?!

What was worse, was the fact that he'd completely ignored her on the flight deck. Passed by her as if she wasn't even there. Oh, he'd seen her. She knew he had. Yet despite that he'd still simply acted as though she'd not existed.

In a way it depressed the Lupine, which only served to further her own sense of self-pity, and with each new level she dropped to, she'd tipped the bottle up, swallowing a mouthful of its' murky contents before setting it roughly back on the table. She wallowed, lost in her own rambling thoughts until the bottle was empty. And even after that, s'Il still remained where she sat. Her mind eventually reverted to a blank slate, muddled with alcohol and a sense of listless pondering.

The cooler unit switched itself on, running through its' hourly cycle of refilling the ice tray in its' top freezer.

A chime sounded in the background, coming from Dan's desk no doubt. It went unanswered.

The cooler unit fell silent once more.

For the first time in a long while, Loklorien s'Ilancy was drunk.

[General Dan]

The door opened to the quarters, and Dan paused a moment after taking a few steps in. He could smell the familiar notes of the Lupine family label hanging in the air, and that spoke enough to him. Carefully, he unbuttoned his jacket, discarded it into the closet, and stepped into the kitchenette.

"Tough day?"

He arched an eyebrow at the scene before him.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She didn't answer. In fact, it was as if his arrival hadn't been registered at all.

Only when the sound of his voice interrupted the random musings of her mind did she stir, but it was still not enough to make her take her gaze from the far wall. Instead, s'Il tightened her grip on the empty bottle.

"Whatever might have happened doesn't have to dictate my current state of mind... right now, you know," she finally managed to slur in answer, her words managing to convey a more than noticeable disgruntled - and exasperated - demeanor.

[General Dan]

With an amused face, he watched her stumble over her tongue to justify her current pickled condition.

"Of course not. You tripped and fell into the dark stuff."

For a moment, he debated on whether it was best to let drunken s'Il's lie, or to exacerbate the situation.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

The Lupine gave a groan, and leaning back heavily in her seat, she angrily pushed the empty bottle away. Her gaze turned upward to stare at Dan's face, and in response to his own amused features, she pulled a sour expression, eyes squinting and lips set in a scowl.

She swayed a little in her chair.

A hiccup, and her scowl deepened before she reached up in an attempt to push him away. It was a comically useless gesture if nothing else.

"Yes in fact, I did. Not all of us are blessed with the delightful task of commanding a task force."

[General Dan]

"Maybe we should get you out of those robes first, before you start talking about responsibility."

He carefully made sure she didn't spill comically onto the floor.

"It would be a shame to get your white robes a shade of something not entirely white."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She allowed him to help her up to her feet, though the task of actually standing suddenly became a rather difficult thing, which was nothing to say of the feat of having to walk. She blinked, clutching the sleeves of his shirt to keep from pitching to the side.

"That's funny, coming from you."

The Lupine gave a forceful jab to his chest to drive home her less than sober line of thought.

"I bet you'd like nothing better than to burn these things."

[General Dan]

"Maybe, but that's a sight better than you spilling all over them."

To hell with it. Dan grinned and reached into a nearby cabinet. This one was Ithorian Gin.

"You're gonna feel like a bed of flowers in the morning."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Still clinging to him, she watched as he pulled out another bottle. What it held mattered little to her.

"I already feel fine," she grumbled drunkenly, "though if you bring out that damn 'My 'pologies' game, I'll not speak to you for a week."

She pushed away from him to stand precariously on her own, shoulders slumped and her hair falling into her face.

[General Dan]

Dan kept an eye on her in case she decided to fall over or something. He uncapped the gin. pouring it over some ice in a tall glass, followed by fizzy and a squirt of tart namana juice. He sipped the crisp and sour drink, swallowing, before taking another sip.

"Guess I'd better find more suitable entertainment than the usual board game."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Yes I think you'd better."

Her words were snapped out, though soon enough followed by a sigh as she sank once more into her seat.

"Do you know what happened today?"

There was of course no answer, for she allowed him no time to give one.

"Sanis Prent is now a member of the Alliance. He joined up, just like that -" she snapped her fingers as well as her motor skills would allow. "... but he didn't do it because it was the right thing to do, or because it was the only option available," she ground her teeth.

"He did it to spite me."

Reaching out, she pulled the bottle of gin towards her, unscrewing the cap and upending a mouthful of the clear liquid.

[General Dan]

Dan winced at the sight of her drinking straight gin. It wasn't exactly the best idea.

"Spite, eh?"

He smiled.

"Just when I write the kid off, he makes things interesting, that's for sure. What did you say to send him off like that?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

s'Il made a face as she swallowed, but otherwise made no move to release the bottle.

"I didn't say anything that already didn't need to be said."

She gave another hiccup, and one hand came up to cover her mouth for a moment before falling away once more.

"I told him he had no priorities," she finally grumped.

[General Dan]

"Hah, I can see why he went that way then."

Dan shrugged and took another drink.

"For whatever the kid's shortcomings are, he's got a pride of a sort in his own way."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

A sharp stare was sent his way, and the Lupine screwed her features into an expression of disbelief.

"Don't go taking his side in this," she slurred angrily.

[General Dan]

Dan shrugged, surprised at the outburst.

"Could always kill him, I suppose?"

He tested the waters with that one.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She waved that particular notion away with a sweep of her hand.

"Oh please. That'd do no good."

Taking another drink from the bottle, the Lupine gave a hiss through clenched teeth at the taste.

[General Dan]

He smiled at her rebuke.

"Oh I suppose not."

Another drink, and he thought about it more.

"I wouldn't think he would suspect your change of allegiance anyway. Let the poor vagabond get a few war stories then."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

s'Il gave a forceful hrumph at that.

She stewed in her own dizziness, swaying ever so gently for a few moments before propping her head up, cheek in hand. It wasn't terribly hard, but she still closed her eyes tightly as the world continued to run relentlessly around her in unforgiving circles.

The Lupine blew out a long breath and let a silence hang between them. She peeked open her good eye for a moment to regain some semblance of equilibrium, then shut it once more just as quickly before tipping up the bottle she still held. A gasped breath as she swallowed, and s'Il muttered.

An odd sort of look descended on her features then, and with her eyes still shut, she turned her head in Dan's direction.

"War stories."

It wasn't necessarily spit out, but there was a bit of sorrowful discontent lacing the undertones of the word she spoke. It had reminded her of Zem's words not so long ago, and a fresh wave of self-pity washed over her.

"And is your heir one of those 'war stories'?"

Even through the haze of alcohol , the Lupine purposefully neglected to include 'son', curious as to whether Dan was truly as 'enthralled' by her sense of family as he claimed to be.

[General Dan]

Dan paused in the middle of his drink, eyeing her as he slowly set it to the side.

"Exactly what are you trying to trivialize? Does my dismissal of Prent trouble you that much?"

He frowned a little, lacing his fingers together as he sat across from her.

"I know you and he were friends, and perhaps there is still something there. Don't let my opinion of him distract you."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Her eyes opened at that, though they were narrow slits, the blue of her good eye clouded with drink.

"I'm not trivializing anything," was her mumbled answer.

A myriad of thoughts raced through her mind, traveling from one stream of consciousness to another at a breakneck pace. Trying to verbalize the tangled threads was an almost impossible undertaking, and so s'Il clenched her jaw shut.

But, the inebriated haze she now found herself in would not suffer sealed lips for very long at all.

"I'm not distracted from anything," her grip tightened on the bottle she very nearly cradled.

Another few moments of quiet, and without warning the Lupine lashed out to deliver an open-palmed slap across his face.

[General Dan]

Dan recovered slowly, turning his head back to face her. His eyes were deadly serious now.

"I'll let that one go on account of your situation. You'd better think hard before you do it again. Get a hold of yourself."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She stared, wide eyed now at the pure audacity of her action. For a short while she said nothing, only staring at him.

"Once is enough," she finally whispered while averting her eye and sipping from the bottle again.

[General Dan]

"If you'd like, I could order him posted to the Dauntless. Keep a short leash on him."

He tried to turn the subject back to the issue that had likely caused her to find the bottle in the first place.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

s'Il pushed herself away from the table at that, leaning back in her seat as she expelled a long breath. Inwardly, she was glad for his attempts to steer the conversation from what had just happened.

"Do what you feel is best," a hiccup, "... I trust your judgment."

Her head fell back, and staring at the ceiling the Lupine groaned.

"I think I'm going to be sick," she finally admitted in a small voice.

[General Dan]

"You trust my judgment? My first notion is to toss him out the nearest airlock."

Dan cracked a smile.

"I think the best thing for you is to sober up, then sort out the Sanis question. He's your project, not mine."

At the mention of her queasiness, he laughed.

"I seem to recall you being able to hold your liquor."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"That was a long time ago."

Her gaze remained trained upwards.

"I'm old now... " She paused in thought, then rephrased her words. "... well, older.

"You know what he told me on the way to Schwartzweld? He said it was never my age. He said with or without you, he'd never be good enough for me."

[General Dan]

"Age, huh? I don't think you have to worry about that holding you down."

He smiled wryly, hinting at his own near-immortality.

In reference to Sanis, Dan nodded his head slowly in agreement.

"And he's right. You're many times the better person than he can ever be."

Again, he returned to his gin drink and took a level off the top.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Oh nerfrot," she threw the bottlecap at him.

"I've heard enough of that.

"Don't think I'm too naive to realize that what I feel for you and you feel for me are in any way the same thing."

[General Dan]

He arched an eyebrow mid-sip.

"They aren't? I would think that we reciprocate our feelings. How is this different?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"You exist of your own accord."

She repeated the words he'd said to her not long ago, rolling her head to the side and staring down at the floor for a short while before lifting the bottle once more to her lips.

She bared her teeth at the taste as it fired down her throat, then coughed. Her head lolled back and she stared for a few seconds at the ceiling before pushing her chair back and lurching unsteadily to her feet.

It was a hell of a thing.

"Conquest and lust are not the same as love," she managed to mumble.

[General Dan]

"Not the same, but not altogether mutually exclusive either."

He watched her with interest, seeing where her mind was wandering under the influence of her drink.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She shifted her weight to one leg, resting a hand on her hip. In the noble attire of a Jedi, the Lupine cut a rather odd-looking figure. She had to catch herself though, as she swayed a little too far. She grabbed at the chair-back for support.

"That was the worst thing you did you know," she gave him a rather sour look.

"You made me love you. And what's worse, I still do.

"Even if Zem says you only care for yourself... I still love you."

[General Dan]

"Does loving me make you feel less of me? Of you?"

He took a drink again.

"It's a curious thing. You come to me and then almost tuck your tail in guilt for doing so."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Curious, yes."

She turned away to stumble her way out of the kitchenette.

"... but I don't tuck my 'tail' between my legs."

She stopped in the doorway to lean against the threshold.

"Cute choice of words, by the way."

A sound that almost sounded as a grumble, and she turned to face him.

"There's no guilt; not anymore at least," the Lupine gave a crooked smile, then a rather sudden scowl.

"But at the same time I know that no matter how much of myself I want to give to you, no matter what I want to give you, it will only be truly appreciated by myself."

She stared at him for a long while, allowing her eye to take in the face that looked back at her.

"You lost an heir, but I lost a son."

[General Dan]

The sound started low and quiet in him. Dan was never a man of loud words, so it was with added emphasis when he used them.

"I....lost a son!"

He stood towering over her, the yellow in his eyes striking a fierce contrast against the shadow over them.

"What gives you the audacity to trivialize my desires?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Whether it was the alcohol in her system or not, the Lupine managed to stand her ground. Her voice however was but a whisper as she looked up at him, and the bottle she held slipped from her hand to clatter to the floor, spilling its' contents.

"Because you trivialize mine."

Her breathing quickened, the level of his voice surprising her as she took a step away from his imposing form.

[General Dan]

"I can give to you and I can take away. Lest you forget that, know precisely what I control. Don't ever doubt that I desire you, but we can never be equals. I am the master, and you are my apprentice. That is the way it will always be."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

That she was relegated to something so akin to a'ka'ru; to a subservient... despite her own desires to please him that would have otherwise given her such status... the Lupine bristled. She bared her teeth.

"I will make us equals."

She gave a wild shake of her head while pulling at the neckline of her clothing.

"We will stand together. You are the head of my House, but I will not be anything short of your partner."

She lifted her hand to wave the ring he'd given her so long ago, in his face.

"This may mean nothing to you, but it is everything to me!"

[General Dan]

"You will know your place, or everything I offer to you, I will take away."

It was no longer Dan's voice speaking.

"Go from my sight and sleep off your stupor. Your foolishness is endangering you."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She opened her mouth as if to protest, but no sound came out.

What could she possibly say? Even through the haze of her unexpected indulgence this day, the sound of his voice now was enough to startle her into a semblance of sobriety. Though, still she wrestled with herself. She could feel tears welling up, though whether they were the product of her own roiling thoughts or of his harsh words she was unsure.

As if lost, her eye grew unfocused, and the Lupine half turned away. She looked about her as though she'd suddenly lost the one anchor holding her in place, and closing her eyes tightly, her shoulders sagged.

She could feel his eyes upon her, those all too familiar yellow eyes.

"You never even asked me what I wanted to name him," she whispered.

[General Dan]

He looked back to her with a stern expression, no longer in the mood for refreshment.

"Best that it remain unspoken. Save your name for our next child."

He blinked hard, and the yellow eyes returned to their familiar hue.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Yes, Master."

That too was whispered, and s'Il turned away to stare at the expanse between herself and the bedroom doorway. It was daunting to say the least. His order to leave his presence had been enough to shock her from the effects of her drink, yet despite her intense desire to apologize in some way, the Lupine found herself afraid of further rebuke.

She pulled her hair back from her face with one hand while taking a note from one of the inner pockets of her robe. The paper was old, cracked at the edges and along the folds, browned from sheer age. The ink was still legible, though faded over time. She'd found it in her studies, tucked in between one of the many pages of the tomes she'd been instructed to read. It was a curious letter, written to Dan most likely during his fledgling years; how it had gotten there she could only guess. From what she could infer in the writing, it had been penned by his own father, as following the parting words 'your father', only one name had been signed at the end of it.

Pushing away from the wall, s'Il carefully moved to set the folded paper on the table by where his hand rested.

She had been sufficiently quieted by his outburst, and the silence that now permeated the air around them remained as testament to that.

[General Dan]

"What is this?"

He reached to the parchment and gingerly retrieved it, unfolding it with care. A moment, and eyes began to scan over the words long-ago written. A slight smile crept onto his features.

"Where did you find this?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"In one of the books you had me study."

She stood cautiously behind him, but it wasn't long before she lifted a hand to further anchor herself against the arching doorway. She had kept the letter with her always since then, deciding that the name at the end of it was the name that she'd wished to give to their son.

[General Dan]

"My father and I were once close. Such a long, long time ago."

The smile lingering, he looked at her.

"He thought I long sequestered myself away to become a writer. In a perverse way, I had. I wrote to him often, talking about inconsequential things. Living a life that was at that time entirely nostalgic and at once artificial."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Averting her eyes, s'Il reached down to retrieve the dropped bottle, and setting it on the counter, she gave him a neutral stare. To hear him speak of being close with any sort of family was odd sounding; he'd never spoke of himself without a fair bit of prodding on her part.

She turned on her heel to begin the trek to the bedroom, remembering his order to remove herself from his sight.

"I will leave you now."

[General Dan]

"Go to sleep."

He again met her eyes over the weathered note.

"You'll feel much better in the morning."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

* * *

The first thing she noticed upon waking was the taste in her mouth. It was enough to make her scowl as she burrowed deeper within the covers, seeking shelter offered both by the blankets over her and the warmth of Dan's body beside her. He'd said she would feel better, but with a pathetic moan the Lupine had to wonder if he'd only said it to settle the nerves he'd so effectively rattled the previous night. It was much deserved however, and the Lupine tried to push away the memory of all that she'd said to him.

She licked her lips, her brows furrowing. No, she did not feel 'much better'. She felt sick to her stomach, cursing herself for partaking so liberally as she had. Not only that, but the shame of her words weighed heavily. Had she truly been so out of her mind?

She remained largely unmoving for another few minutes, content to soak in as much heat from her master's body as she could.

Another groan, and the Lupine finally levered herself up to sit carefully. She leaned forward to cradle her head in her hands, fingers massaging her temples.

[General Dan]

"Stay there."

Dan was already moving and out of the bed. He padded over to the dresser and returned with a carafe of water he'd placed there the evening prior. Dispensing cool water into a glass, he handed it to her.

"Drink. I'll take care of breakfast."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Without having to look she accepted the offered glass of water. She felt as though she'd been buried in a metric ton of durracrete, and suspected that she looked it as well. A relentless pounding in her head accompanied each heartbeat, magnifying every sound around her into something almost unbearable.

s'Il gave a tentative sip, and with a pained expression she opened her eyes, letting out a labored sigh.

"Never again," she croaked.

[General Dan]

"You say that now. You'll be back to the trough in a month or two. It's a cycle like anything."

He laughed at that as he strode into the kitchenette, beginning the work to prepare a simple, greasy breakfast to cut through her hangover. Numa eggs, shaak fat-rashers, tuber hash, and a few scraps from the fridge.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

For a while longer she remained in bed, nursing her water and listening as he went about preparing their morning meal. She was famished, yes, but the immediate discomfort of her throbbing head was enough to sour any amount of anticipation.

Slowly, the Lupine slid herself from beneath the covering, bare feet touching the floor. She sat, using the still moment to quietly place her glass on the bedside table. It made the barest of clinks, and she flinched at the sound. Pushing upwards, s'Il unsteadily rose to her feet to sway momentarily. Certainly not as precarious as last night, but it was noticeable enough. She let out a faint groan before shambling her way into the fresher.

Splashing water on her face, s'Il went about what morning rituals she felt reasonably able to accomplish with any sort of completion, and by the time she'd finished, her mouth at least no longer tasted of stale death.

It wasn't long before she joined him, and watching his turned back as he worked, s'Il gave a sorrowful grimace. She closed the distance between them to wind her arms up under his and around his chest, leaning against him and resting a cheek along his spine.

"I exceeded my boundaries last night."

Her words held deep sincerity.

"I am sorry for that."

[General Dan]

"I know if you had it to do again you would have done differently."

Dan glanced back at her, casting a reassuring expression as he returned to his work to flip a crinkling fat rasher on the hot skillet.

"It wasn't easy on either of us, losing our son. We'll make time to move past the pain."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She stood, partially using him as support. Her embrace tightened for the barest of moments at his reassurances, knowing that he was correct. Had she the chance to do it again, she would have not been so reckless.

But, it was the sting of Zem's words, that Dan had seen only in heir and not a son, that'd caused the most hurt. As well, it had driven her to accuse her master of just that. His reaction had been astounding to witness, but not so much as the fear it'd placed in her.

Pulling away then, the Lupine moved to slowly lower her frame into a chair. The empty whisky bottle was still present, as was the glass of Dan's gin. She pushed it away with a disdainful look on her face.

"You have given me much, the most of which is patience.

"But there is some amount of truth in that I wish to be as your equal."

She wound her fingers around themselves in an effort to busy herself with something.

"But it's not through power and mastery that I want to be as such; I know the rule of two, that it is the ultimate test for the apprentice to overthrow the master, but that is not what I want. If I did that, then I would be alone."

s'Il made a worried face.

"I don't want to be alone."

[General Dan]

He turned to look at her, a sympathetic expression on his face.

"But that is a reality that, some time down the line, will come to pass. I'm old, Lok. Very old. One day, you will surpass me. I cannot continue to live forever. In time, you will become the master."

He brushed a hand against her face.

"Perhaps it is not so much that we are equal, but that for now and as far as we can see, we are together."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She closed her eyes at his touch, and reaching up the Lupine moved his hand to hold it in her own. She stared at the lines in his palm, tracing with her fingers along the more prominent creases.

"You will not die."

Blinking slowly, s'Il gripped his hand.

"I'll not let you."

[General Dan]

He smiled at her devotion.

"Even our powers over death can't continue into perpetuity. At some point, who knows when, it will happen. It may not be for a very long time indeed."