A Bridge To...?(Adelaide)

[Aurelias Kazaar]

continued from here (http://sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?t=17326)

Brentaal IV- The Foppa Kesler Cemetery- Two Miles Outside Of 'Mandy-town'

Hardly ever rained on Brentaal, but when it did it was like buckets poured outta th'sky. It drenched th'land, washin' it clean from all th'industry, pollution, smugglin', and all th'other fine stuff which made Brentaal th'planet it was. Wasn't a bad place t'live; helluva lot nicer than Nar Shaddaa or Tatooine but left 'nough t'be desired. Except f'when it rained. When th'water poured outta th'sky, soaking his skin, drenchin' his hair, helpin' him think. Kazaar loved th'rain. Especially now.

He hadn't touched alcohol f'almost two weeks, which was th'longest he'd gone without a drink inna while. Normally he'd grab a beer with dinner, then a shot or two later on at night (just t'take th'edge off), but he hadn't felt like drinking. It'd been tough, especially after Del's letter. Kazaar ended up spending four hours just kinda starin' at it, reading it over and over 'gain. Tryin' t'understand how he'd missed seeing his kid even once. Estelle'd spent most of th'time with him, just there in support. Th'odd thing 'bout it was, he'd asked her t'be there...just show her support. She didn't have t'say anything, just be there. Kept him from going off into the abyss...which when ya think 'bout it...wasn't a good idea.

But when th'time came for Kazaar t'head for Brentaal, he asked t'do it alone. "Gotta handle this myself, Kid." He'd told her as he strode up the ramp to The Flying Dutchman. "Much as I appreciate ya help, I need t'do this alone. I gotta see my son's grave."

So here he was. Starin' at the grave Jason Russard had paid for with his own creds. Wasn't too fancy (neither Kazaar or his ex-ex-wife were), but it made its point. A small holographic portrait was at th'top of the gravestone, ever shinging. The boy's face was his own, just with more happiness and Adelaide's eyes. He had a podracer in his hands and looked up into Kazaar's eyes and smiled. "Brentaal 'Ace' Kazaar." The insciption read. "A racer kept off the track. Taken before his time." Kazaar closed his eyes as he read the heartfelt words, his left hand brushing the water offa his face. It was a futile gesture, given the drenching rain, but a gesture none the less.

Plus, it kept the tears from stinging his eyes.

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Adelaide watched from the steps of the mausoleum entrance, the overhang of the grand marble facade giving her shelter from the continuous rain.

Kazaar was just visible from this distance. A dark figure with stooped shoulders wrapped in a long black coat that dripped rivulets of rainwater from its hem. He had been standing there for some time now and all the while, Adelaide's heart weighed heavy. She knew how he felt - overwhelmed - for she felt the same way. They had both been run over by a freight-train of grief that barrelled over them not once, but time and time again, as waves of regret and recrimination recalled themselves to each one with an unforgiving persistance.

Aurelias had hardly strung more than two words at a time to her since he had arrived early that morning, his interest only in knowing where he might find Bren. He'd barely looked at her. And Adelaide had barely looked at him. She knew he wouldn't stay in Brentaal long. Perhaps it was just as well.

In the cold damp of mid-morning, her back chilled her as she leaned against the support of the old stone hall, The grey clouded sky showed no promise of a reprieve from the downpour. Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar waited for her husband to say goodbye to his son, and, with small hope, that he would by some miracle come back to her.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

His eyes moved from one Kazaar grave to another just next to it. There wasn't much to this one, a lot less than Bren's simple grave. It was the grave of his parents, mottled with age and decay. Kazaar hadn't been 'round when they'd died, he'd been workin' for Gorgja at th'time. When he'd been told of his parents' death, Kazaar'd gotten rip-roarin' drunk and killed three stormtroopers. His actions caused him t'miss his parents' funeral and since the Empire never bothered turnin' in any remains, their graves were empty. With bitter thoughts, Kazaar patted Bren's grave. 'Least there was a body restin' in this one.

He turned away from the gravesite, headin' back towards the entrance where Adelaide waited. His booted feet *clomped* in th'muddy ground as he strode past well-worn graves of various families, patrons, and warriors; all of which stared at him with some of their holographic eyes. It was an unnervin' sight, but Kazaar didn't bother starin' back. They were all dead.

Kazaar brushed a couple locks o'hair from his eyes and stared up at Del. "Memorial's fittin'. I'll be sure t'thank Russard when I get back tomorrow."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

So, tomorrow. He was staying even less than she'd expected. S'pose that was all he could bring himself to give, she thought bitterly. She couldn't blame him, yet it was hard not to feel disappointed.

Adelaide nodded her silent agreement that thanks were due to Jason for his provision. It was his way of helping them out. "He was a big help while he was here" she agreed.

She hadn't moved from against the wall, she didn't dare. She could so easily just fall into Aurelias, holding him tightly to her and burying her sadness into the strong frame of his chest. She wanted him to take some of the burden from off her, to have him soothe away some small part of her desolation. But she didn't dare. If he pushed her away, held her at arms length, the rejection would shatter the fragile calm she had armed herself with in order to just get through this morning.

She dropped her eyes to hide her desperation, "You have to go back so soon?"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Gotta job t'do, Del," Kazaar's reply was simple. He really wasn't in th'mood t'talk to his ex-ex-wife. All th'stuff she'd put him through, all th'stuff she'd been through. Part of him wanted t'tell her it'd be okay, but that'd be a frackin' lie. It wouldn't be okay. How could it? He'd been lied to. No matter how much it was justified (and it was...'specially with th'fact it involved their son), Kazaar was still pretty pissed 'bout not being given a choice in th'matter.

"Ya gotta understand that. Longer I stay away, more th'Kid is left unprotected."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

"Of course" she murmured.

As if that girl couldn't protect herself. From what Adelaide had seen, Estelle would do just fine on her own for a while.

"You're quite fond of her, then?"

Why was she even asking this? What sadistic quirk made her want to know? Adelaide wished the words back the moment she'd said them. As if she wasn't feeling wretched enough.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"I dunno, Del," Kazaar shot back, his anger startin' t'boil over. He was mad, mad at th'entire situation. He, Del, Bren, that damned Albino stickin' his pasty head where it didn't belong. Most of his anger was turned inwards, cursin' himself f'not bein' able t'walk away from Gorgja. Even if he'd left a month later, it was exactly that. A month later. A month after Adelaide'd decided it was too dangerous t'be 'round him. Too dangerous t'raise a kid. Their kid. His frustration made 'im lash out. "Maybe it's cause I know she ain't gonna leave me at a moment's notice.

"And no." He snarled, barely keepin' her from speaking. "It don't matter if ya came back're not. The situation was a helluva lot different then. Ya needed m'help. So I helped ya. Outta th'fact it was our boy involved.

"What th'frack do ya want from me?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

What did she want? The frell if she knew. Mostly she wanted to not feel so devastated. To feel that, though her choice had been so very hard on everyone, the situation with Crei had villified her somewhat. It was, afterall, that connection to Kazaar that had brought the Albino scum-lord into her and Bren's lives.

But there it was. The gap that yawed between them, the massive gulf that would hold them apart forever, that should forgiveness ever be given her by Aurelias, the deed itself would never be let go of. He would hold onto that for ever.

"Yes, I came to you for help" she fired back, "And that was the only reason. I would be a fool to forget that no one ever crosses you, Aurelias, and are not exacted every pound of flesh for it.

But dont think for a minute this all falls on me" she accused, "It was your history with Crei that forced my hand. It was your activities that made me run in the first place. And it was your revenge that kept you from spending one hour with a son you never deserved!"

Hot tears burned her cheeks and her whole body shook as she glared at Kazaar. How could she ever think he could show her any compassion, now or ever? She was such an idiot.

She moved toward him now, finding strength in her anger, "I want you to not take the easy way and leave this all at my feet. I want you to think that, just maybe, you aren't completely blameless that I thought Bren safer with me than anywhere near you"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Ya ever bother t'think Adelaide!" Kazaar spat. "Maybe I blame m'self for a helluva lot more than ya think I do! I'd blame m'self for my parents death if I could.

"So yeah, while I'm pissed at ya and spent a good seven years of m'life hatin' ya and that damned fake prissy boytoy of yas (whose got more stones than I give 'im credit for. Guy took a beatin' without even blinkin' an eye). It don't mean I'm blameless!" He threw his hands up in th'air, water splashin' into Del's face. "Ya think, if I coulda, I would've been faster 'gainst Crei's little droid. Ya damn right I would've been. And I woulda brought his head back to ya as a gift of some kind."

The words were pourin' out now. "Ya think I didn't want t'meet Bren? He was a partta me. Partta what we had.

"What th'frack do you know 'bout me!?!"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Krasst, this wasn't going the way she'd hoped, the two of them standing there yelling at each other. But she couldn't stop herself, couldn't bite back the cutting remarks borne out of her own hurt.

"I know you're a cold, hard man, thats what I know!" Adelaide yelled back.

"You have all your priorities messed the hell up - you solve everything with a fight, whether its with your slug crime bosses or someone like me" (she stopped just short of throwing Ashley in is face) "You take the same approach with everything - Hurt 'em first before they hurt you. Thats, what I know."

She drew a ragged breath and swept her eyes about her looking at everything and at nothing - her distress obvious. She would loose him forever doing this, saying these things. She could feel him slipping from her, just as surely as Bren had.

She pulled her coat tighter around her, and tried to say what she really wanted him to hear, instead of reacting to his bitter words.

"I--" she broke off to manage her words, "I need you, Aurelias. Cant you help me, just a little bit?" Her voice echoed the heartbreak inside her, her plea was raw and undisguised. "Can you just forget, for a little while, what Ive done to you and just help me through this. Couldn't you try?"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar's retort died in his throat. Adelaide's words had shocked him, th'fact she mentioned anything like this was a pretty big omission. Kinda like Gorgja admittin' he wanted Kazaar t'have more of a cut of his bounties. Or Gracey Van-Derveld ever admittin' Kazaar was right (or, f'that matter, vice versa). He threw his head down t'the left, as he stared off in space for a bit, trying t'curb his anger.

After a moment, Kazaar raised his eyes into th'face of his former (and current) wife. "C'mon, let's go t'Ma's. Grab a cuppa caf. And talk."

**********************************
Mandy-Town: Ma's Diner

The trip from th'cemetery to Ma's Diner was silent, with both Kazaars tryin' t'figure out what to say to the other. Del's outburst had quieted her, while her husband kept starin' out th'window. Almost like he didn't really know what else t'say. The words they'd spoken earlier had hurt 'em both pretty bad, so trying t'be nice was hard.

Ma's Diner hadn't changed much over th'last seven years, since Kazaar left Brentaal f'good and joined th'Rebellion. There was still Ma, her dark face smilin' at customers, even if her green eyes kept a solid watch f'any shady character (Kazaar excluded). The cook, Flysst, was prolly th'only Tranny Kazaar ever trusted, and that was 'cause he'd been on th'dusty planet since his parents arrived. Plus, Kazaar admitted with an inward smirk, he did make a helluva batch o'flatcakes with fruit (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Trandoshani_flatcake).

Adelaide and Kazaar sat at a corner booth, each takin' the seat across from th'other. Kazaar's black eyes scanned th'small crowd and he ran a hand through his soakin' hair. Finally he spoke, his guttural voice quieter than normal. "Ya gonna be all right?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Adelaide had been so relieved that Kazaar had relented and softened his manner towards her. What would she have done if he'd just left her standing there at the cemetary? The thought of it was unbearable. She couldn't be alone, not yet.

Her eyes had not left his since sitting across from him. So many memories lay behind those dark eyes, where the ones he'd kept of her only bad ones?

Adelaide remembered clearly a time when those eyes has always smiled at her. Aurelias had drawn strength and comfort from her after Ashley's death. He'd needed Adelaide, and she had seen him through. They'd been so close. And happy. Adelaide missed that connection with Kazaar. Had missed it every day since she'd left him. Did he remember anything of that time other than the horrible way it ended?

"Ya gonna be all right?"

His concern was genuine and it allowed her to answer unguardedly.

"Probably" she said, tears threatening to swell again. They were always there, right on the surface, and they never seemed to exaust themselves. "But right now, I dont feel like that's ever going to be possible." Her voice was small, "I miss him, Aurelias. I miss tripping on his shoes left in the hallway, miss hearing him splashing in the bathtub. I miss having to rush home to be with him. I dont know how Im ever going to feel normal again.

I"m so sorry for everything Ive messed up"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"I dunno if ya ever get over it." Kazaar answered, takin' a sip of his caf. He had a lotta pain stored in his psyche: pain of losing Ash, losin' his parents, and Del's 'divorce' or whatever the hell it was she did. Never meetin' his son, never gettin' t'kill the Albino only made th'pain even worse. "What I do know, is ya get used t'it. You learn t'deal with it.

"It'll lessen as th'days go on. But ya never get over it." Another sip. He'd told Estelle th'exact same thing, one time they'd talked 'bout her relationship with James Bretton. The Kid was dealin' with it pretty well, but he still saw th'anger laced in her eyes. He knew it still hurt at times, but she let it drive her t'be better. "Can't let it consume ya. Then ya end up like me." A pained smile. "Don't think it's real becomin' of ya Del."

Adelaide gave her own pained smile, but was still waiting for Kazaar's acceptance or rejection of her apology. She didn't know what he'd do and Kazaar had no idea what t'do either. She was bein' honest, he was pretty sure 'bout that, but what was he gonna do? He'd hated her f'seven years. How th'frack do ya get over that?

"You're sorry and I'm sorry." He finally stated after more than a few minutes of thinking. "We're all sorry."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

The server made an appearance at that moment, tactfully sliding two cups of black, aromatic caf to each of them, sensitive to the fact they were in a close discussion of some type and doing his best to do his job without intruding. He also slipped a menu - the paper kind that somehow always withstands the test of time, usage and beverage spills - onto the edge of the table for their perusal. Neither of them touched it for the moment.

The server withdrew and Adelaide replied, his presence giving her time to absorb Kazaar's advice.

"I dont really expect to ever get over this, its true, but there are some things a person can do to help, aren't there" It was a statement, and she had an odd coldness in her eye as she'd said it. She'd make that bloody Albino sorry if it was the last thing in this life she ever accomplished.

"I wish I were more like you" she said, interupting Kazaar's thoughts as he tried to puzzle out just exactly what she'd meant by the previous remark. "You always seem made of durosteel to me. Nothing can break you down. The knocks come, but you only get stronger"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"They do say what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger." Kazaar smirked. "But there's a difference. We each deal with pain our own way, Delly." It was odd hearin' th'term of affection come from his lips. Almost as if they'd taken a step. "And what's good f'one person, ain't always good for th'other."

There was silence as the two sipped their cups of caf. "Why'd ya ask me t'come here?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

The affectionate turn of her name warmed Adelaide on the inside, a feeling much like a flame held to a frozen surface - the effect was visible and immediate. She smiled at him softly, "Long time since I've heard that one"

Her mind turned, she had asked him to come for different reasons - both for his benefit and her own.

"I felt you would need to say some goodbyes. You never knew Bren, but I know you feel a connection. I am truly sorry you never got to see him, Aurelias. I needed you to know that Im very aware of the wrong I did the both of you" She was afraid to admit it, afraid of making him angry with her again, but she'd owed him that small consolation.

Lifting her eyes to his, Adelaide continued, and as she spoke, Kazaar couldn't help but see the woman he had known all those years ago sitting across from him. There was no guile, no hardness to her. Hers was the face of before the Loran betrayal, before the walkout and that whole bollocks-up. "I asked you to come here because I want you back. I want you to come back, Aurelias"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

He'd spent seven years o'his life hatin' this woman. Seven years rememberin' what she'd done t'him. Leaving him and disappearin'. Kazaar took another sip o'his caf and thought forra long, hard while.

"It was seven years, Del." He finally spoke. "That's a long frackin' time." He sighed and looked off to th'side a bit. "Gonna hafta think 'bout it. It ain't a 'no' but it ain't a 'yes'."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

A definite maybe. It was about what Adelaide had expected, but much less than she'd hoped for. She'd been through so much and was tired of the struggle. She wanted to take refuge in Kazaar, allow him to absorb the weight of her grief and ease the guilt of her choices. It was selfish of her, she knew, but she didn't care. Aurelias was what she wanted. And needed. But, if she was honest, it was a complete miracle he was here at all, seated across from her and speaking to her with kindness, let alone him entertaining any possibility of a marital reconciliation, no matter how remote.

"I cant ask you for more than that" she replied with a certain resignation. She wanted to cajole him, convince him, wanted to say the one magic thing that would turn him to her and make him willing to try again. But, there are no magic words, she knew.

However, she would not give up completely, "Will you stay for a few days? Two or three - just to be close. I cant be on my own, Aurelias. I just cant" She added gently, "You might even find it helps you to be here, too"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

There was a part o'him that wanted t'take her in his arms and hold her still she felt 'safe'. A large part. All those emotions he thought were destroyed 'n buried were back. Kazaar saw 'er pain and felt pretty bad 'bout it.

"Can't stay f'too long, I gotta get back to 'the Kid'." He answered honestly. 'The Black Man' had something planned for 'em, plus Kazaar got a feelin' Estelle wanted t'talk 'bout Adelaide. "But I'll stay an extra day're so. Where're ya living?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

This question prompted a smile, "Hackanut Bay" she replied.

Adelaide loved where she lived, a quaint little clapboard house nestled in a sheltered curve of the picturesque Hackanut Sound. The ocean was a soothing constant to a life that Bren's illness had made difficult and unpredictable. Often of an evening, just after supper, she and Bren would bundle up together beneath one of her lovely crocheted blankets (a skill ironically taught her by Mirko Spendrim) and sit in the verandah swing. The wind would have picked up by that time of the evening and would be cool, but the bracing coldness was worth the inspiring kaleidascope of colors that streaked the sky as the sun sank below the ocean horizon.

Bren would ask her where the sun would go, and she would always answer with a different place - one time explaining how it was rising over Carshoulis Prime, waking up all the Cizerack children who ate three bowls of cereal alone just for breakfast; or another time was rising over Naboo where its brilliant rays penetrated the waters of the Gungan palace signaling the Royal Guardians to sound their curved trumpets and announce the start of another day.

"My parents found the house for us, bought it outright from a retired fisherman" she explained. "We had a little boat that Bren and I would go out in sometimes on calm days." She added with a self-conscious grin, "I'm not a bad sailor" she got close even to a small laugh, "I got the sea-legs, you know"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar smirked. "Yeh ya always liked goin' out on th'sea. Something 'bout it seemed t'calm ya down." It'd actually been th'first thing she'd done when Adelaide told him she was leaving. She'd gone out onna boat, alone, and sat in th'middle of the sea for almost a week. 'Course Kazaar didn't know that, but it was th'best way t'disappear'. Outside o'getting lit up on Nal Hutta like th'former bounty hunter had done. That hadn't been fun.

"What was Bren like, Del?" Closest he was ever gonna get t'knowing his son. Th'thought of that caused him t'close his black eyes a moment 'n drink his caf real quick.

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

"Drink up" she said, doing so herself, "It'll be easier for me to show you"

*****************

They had left Ma's diner just as some of the rain clouds were beginning to break up over the township, but the sky heading out to the coast was still every bit as baleful as before.

"The storm will eventually roll out to sea" Adelaide assured Kazaar as they drove, "But we're in for some more soaking yet"

True as predicted, the rain came down in bucketfulls the closer they got to the Bay where Adelaide's house was located. The speeder rocked from the occassional buffeting wind, but overall, the sensation of feeling insulated and safe from the barrage of the elements prevailed.

'Bren swam, you know" she told Aurelias, as the ocean opened up to view once they crested the last hill. "He wasn't very strong, but he had good technique. He would be in the water every chance he got. But not on a day like today of course. There, thats our place on the right" Adelaide pointed to a neat little house set back from the edge of a weather-worn road. Directly opposite was the beach with an access pathway etched out over years of usage. Whispy seagrass bent and twisted in the wind, bowing from atop the white sand dunes in humility to the frothing grey sea it fringed.

"You can pull round the back in the shed" she instructed.

This was home. Her home. And Bren's. If Aurelias was to know anything about his son - who he was, what he'd hoped and dreamed and loved - it would be discovered here, in his place with all his things. Bren lived here, and was a part of everything present around here. And he would speak to his father from the place that knew him best.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar exited th'speeder, just as a burst of wind sent a sheet of water off th'roof and into his face. He let outta curse, then gave a half-turn as laughter came from behind 'im. Adelaide's smile was larger than before, even under th'circumstances of his visit, and it was pretty obvious she found th'entire situation amusin'. "Glad t'provide ya some entertainment." He growled as he splashed water offa his jacket.


Del apologized 'bout as well as someone could who was almost grippin' her sides in amusement, then let it fade as she started rememberin' there wasn't someone t'greet her at home. Or someone else t'share her amusement. She led Kazaar inside, pausing a moment t'remove her jacket, and Kazaar did th'same, tossin' it on a wooden chair near th'door. The homeowner glared at her visitor as she picked up his jacket. Same ol' Kazaar. Del thought, as she put it on the coat rack.

Kazaar took a moment t'stare 'round the house. "Pretty quaint place, Del. Looks like ya made a nice, tidy life for yaself."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Adelaide looked around the room, trying to see it as Kazaar might. It was hard to do, look with fresh eyes on something so familiar that she could walk through it blindfolded and describe every turn and account for every chair, table, knick-knack etc. Taking a moment, she shook Kazaar's dripping coat where it hung in order to remove some of the water, then bent to remove her boots.

"Its cozy and warm" she agreed finally. "We were happy here"

The furnishings were simple and functional and small touches of lace in the curtains and photographs of family and friends made it welcoming and homey.

"There's a fire set, the matches are just on the mantle. It will help dry us out" she said, pushing her dampened hair back off her face.

As Aurelias moved to do as she suggested, Adelaide found her breath had caught in her chest. Seeing him here, in this setting, was something she had always tried not to imagine - it had just not been in the cards and she had always striven to save herself the heartache of not wishing for things that would never be. But now, now.

"You hungry?" she forced herself to say.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Nah," Kazaar answered, as he lit one of th'matches. "Not real hungry." It was amazin' this was a real wooden fireplace. Not th'kind at the Russard building which simply lit with a touch of a button. Kazaar threw it on th'fire and th'flames started licking at the wood. Not satisfied, Adelaide's former (and current) husband threw another lit match on th'logs. "Grabbed somethin' t'eat before headin' to the cemetery."

He turned around t'face her. "Hey...you all right?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Was she alright? Of course she wasn't alright.

"Yeah, I'm good" she replied as light as she could.

It was just as well he wasn't hungry, Adelaide hadn't had anything that could remotely be called an appetite these past few weeks and the house was stocked sparingly. There was a couple bottles of Corellian beer in the cooler, a dozen eggs, but not much else. Still, an omlette would have served - Adelaide was a near-expert at making an omlette.

Moving into the hallway momentarily, she reached into the linen closet and retrieved a towel. "Use this" she said to Aurelias, coming to stand beside him at the fireplace and handing it to him. His thick black hair was dripping water down his shirt collar, though he didn't really seem to notice. After scrubbing his head roughly, his hair now angled in madcap array, he slung the towel to hang around his neck, holding on to either end with his hands. They both looked for a while into the dancing flames, and the fires warmth began to penetrate the chill.

"C'mon," Del said after they had been standing quiet a while, "I'll show you Bren's room"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar shook his head t'his right, flingin' a bit of water off his semi-dry hair. It connected with window, barely making a sound, and Kazaar took a step away from the fire. "Yeh let's go." He was led up the small staircase into a hallway seemingly built for either a retired fisherman or a woman and her young child. The door to Bren's room was open, as if Del never wanted to forget her son existed, and Kazaar stepped in, Adelaide waiting for him to take it all in alone.

Th'room pretty much looked like an eight-year-old lived in it. Kazaar was proud t'see the banner of the SC Votrad Spacers, its logo of a spaceman holding a blaster rifle prominent, just above Bren's bed. A poster of a Quadrijet (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Quadrijet_4-Barrel_904E) podracer lined th'other edge of the room, plus Kazaar spotted several models still on his dead son's dresser.

"He ever get t'see 'em live?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

el shook her head "no" as she leaned against the door jamb, allowing Kazaar to explore Bren's room without her.

"Not at an actual race, that is. There was an Enthusiasts roadshow that came to town about 18 months ago. We -- me and Chuck, the old guy who lives in the next house from us - took Bren to see it. He's raised five daughters, so you can imagine, he had lots of time for Bren. There were atleast twenty-five racers on display. The big Event was being held in the Driedent Sector and tickets were near-unobtainable for folks like us, so we settled for just a look at them" Adelaide smiled, "Bren was beside himself with excitement, he even got to sit in one. Im afraid it quite cemented his ambition to be a racer himself. Or failing that, a fighter pilot." She took her time speaking of Bren, enjoying the image of him on that day. "He made that one himself, no help from anyone, as he would be quick to tell you" she explained, referring to the small model Kazaar had just lifted from a free-standing podium that held prominent place in the little room.


"He liked the speed of things, as you can see. I think he would have become very mechanically astute. He sure knew every tool this side of the outer rim."

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Good t'know he got ya mechanical smarts." Kazaar joked as his rough hands went over th'model again, feeling its texture. The paint job was a lot better'n one a seven-year-old shoulda been able t'do, but the Rebel spy had a pretty good idea Bren'd taken time on th'project. Those types o'projects, like puttin' together a blaster or holdin' onto th'steering wheel of th'first speeder ya ever got, always took time. "Looks like ya did a helluva job raisin' him, Del." His hands felt th'pod racer model again. "Good work."

His eyes darkened a moment as he remembered somethin' Crei'd taunted him with during their failed attempt at killing each other. "Th'Albino ever take 'im somewhere?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Adelaide fixed him with such an expressive look, Kazaar couldn't decide if it was a warning or a plea, "Don't bring him in here, Aurelias"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar sighed 'n set the model back up on its moorings. "Fine." He gave his own 'look'. "We won't talk 'bout him 'here'." Then he walked five paces out into th'hallway, his look sayin' it all. He wanted th'question answered.

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Here we go..Del lingered against the door jamb for a moment, unwilling to walk out of Bren's room like it was just some place and not the sacred space that she had made it.

Turning eventually and stepping from the room, Adelaide knew what was coming, she recognized the signs, even after all these years. Kazaar was spoiling for a fight.

"What does it even matter?" she said, pre-empting a repeat of the question. "The Albino worked his plan and his plan worked. The details dont matter"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Yeh. Kazaar didn't say. 'Cept for th'fact th'two of us're still talking and I'm still breathin'.

"Matters t'me Del." His hard look remained, but it was tinged with something, Adelaide couldn't quite recognize. Pain or anger, maybe both. "Damn pasty-faced schuttascum said he'd gotten t'spend time with Bren. Just wanna hear from ya lips whether it's true or not and why th'frack would ya let a guy like Crei spend time with Bren?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

"He didn't spend time with him" she said, dismissing the idea as absurd. Kazaar's face redenned angrily and Adelaide expounded quickly in order to diffuse things.

"You have to remember, Crei got to us through my parents. I think once he gave my folks tickets to a slamball game and they took Bren along. It's one of the rare times I got a night or two to myself - I never left Bren with anyone except my family" She moved off down the hall to a little room, no bigger than a walk-in closet. In it was a desk, a small monitor, a swivel chair and suitcase-sized fishtank.

"I home schooled Bren. His condition made it dodgy to go to school, the usual childhood bumps and scrapes could set Bren back for weeks or months, so we did our best to avoid them." She gestured to the monitor, "Bren went to 'virtual' school and participated in class like everyone else. He even had a social life, that kid looooved to talk. He was a big fan of the knock-knock jokes."

Adelaide moved off from the small room and headed back down the hallway to the stairs.

"We were pretty much inseparable, Bren and me, Kazaar" she said with a voice that suddenly was shaking. "I took really good care of him. I really did"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar wasn't convinced, but something in th'way Del said it made him think he needed t'believe 'er. Or 'least try to. 'Course why th'frack was he even listening t'something the Albino taunted him with, made no sense, but it was th'way Crei'd sneered when he said it...made Kazaar think. He followed her down th'stairs, his feet making th'wooden stairs *creek* as he did.

"I'm sure ya did, Delly." He nodded, as his ex-ex-wife placed a hand on th'banister for support. "I'm sure ya did a fantastic job at raisin' him. Ya always were th'motherin' type." Kazaar eased himself down onto th'stairs, his legs sprawling out on 'em. "I mean that inna nice way, ya know."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

"I know" she replied, meaning it.

She lowered herself down to sit beside him on the steps, his frame stretched outwards long and easy, hers was crouched, tucked inwards small and neat. They listened together as the rain tapped against the windows, its strength atlast beginning to wane.

"Storm's almost done" Adelaide observed.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar nodded, his head peerin' up towards th'roof. He stretched his muscular arms backwards and closed his eyes for a moment. He wasn't one t'dwell on things, 'least not stuff like this, but for th'briefiest o'time, the shortest of seconds, he saw somethin': Adelaide, Bren, and himself sittin' in this house enjoyin' a lifetime together. Growin' old, tendin' t'bumps and bruises, takin' Bren to smashball games and out on th'lake. But it was all an illusion, all fake, all wishful thinkin'.

Kazaar shook his head a moment, feelin' tears startin' t'come up in his eyes, which he quickly dashed away with a thought. "Yeh, guess it is goin' away." He answered unneccessarily. "Want that omelet now? Gettin' kinda hungry."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

She was glad to have something to do. Adelaide couldn't read Kazaar's thoughts, but it wasn't difficult to get a feel of what he'd been thinking. She knew that 'what if' look she had briefly glimpsed in his eyes, she'd seen it reflected often enough in her own.

Over the past eight years, there'd been times when she'd stood in front of a mirror, a woman she didn't always recognize looking back at her. Physically she hadn't changed all that much over the years - a little older maybe, a little less baby-faced. But it was the inner Adelaide that sometimes was lost to her, swallowed up some place in the decisions she'd made and shadowed by the difficult road she'd chosen. Many times, thoughts of 'what if' would worry at her and leave her feeling uncertain and hollow.

Adelaide moved off into the kitchen and began rattling out a pan from the cupboards and whisking up some eggs. She talked, turning half over her shoulder tossing conversation to Aurelias as she worked.

"So, what'd you do after Gorgja?"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Bounced 'round a little." Kazaar answered, takin' a sip of his cup of caf. "Corellia. Kuat. Buncha other places. Mainly went back t'takin' a contract here'n there, but nothin' major." Another sip, then Kazaar refilled his cup, takin' the time to refill Del's also. "Ya know I got tossed inna Rebel prison f'something I did to an Imperial?!?" His smirk turned even more bitter. "Ya think they'd give outta medal or 'least some creds f'that.

"Got released after doin' m'time, then Gorgja told me 'bout th'bounty on the Kid. So I did that." He shrugged. "Like I said...nothin' major."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

The Kid.

"Tell me about her" Del said, grating the cheese with a will.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Ain't much t'tell." He answered with a shrug. "Got 'er offa Mastala without gettin' her killed and her dad wanted me t'guard her. Told 'em I was gonna do it 'my way' though, which meant teachin' her how to defend herself.

"She does a pretty good job too." Kazaar took an audible *sip* from his cup. "She ain't interested in tea 'n cupcakes that's f'sure, even if she's still a bit innocent at times. Why'd ya ask?"

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Setting aside the grater, Adelaide turned herself towards her estranged husband and gave him a level look.

"Is she part of the reason you wont come closer?"

The term closer was not literally meant, although, their physical distance was a big part of what was on Adelaide's mind. She meant overall, the big picture. Was Estelle more a part of his decision regarding herself and Aurelias than just being the means of a secure paycheck?

[Aurelias Kazaar]

That comment illicited a loud *snort* from Kazaar. "Ain't like that, Adelaide. Put yaself in m'boots all right?" Another drink of his caf. "After seven years, a girl ya spent th'last seven (okay six-anna-half) years hatin', just shows up and says, 'We're still married, you have a son and I left you because I was afraid for his safety.' Then t'top it all off, she asks ya t'save him 'cause th'only person ya probably hate more than 'er (cept for th'Empire of course) has th'boy captive."

He matched Adelaide's level look. "So ya help save th'boy, gettin' pretty frackin' torn up in th'process, but he dies and ya hafta put all th'anger away so you can go see your son's grave. Then ya ex-ex-wife asks ya t'come back.

"The hell do ya expect me t'do, Del?" Kazaar guttural remained even. "I spent seven years hatin' ya. There're a lotta things t'get over between us. And sharin' omeletes ain't gonna solve everything in one day. Even you gotta know that."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

There it was again, "years he'd hated her". He'd said that a couple times now.

Hate. And Kazaar, being good at so many things, the hating his enemies was something he was a master at. She was more foolish than she'd first believed herself to be in thinking that Aurelias would see her in any other light than the wrongs she'd done him. Estelle would be a saint by comparison. Adelaide's only consolation was that, given enough time, even saints could disappoint those who vaunt them.

"Of course. Omlettes alone are no cure for betrayal. How silly of me"

She looked away. There didn't seem anything appropriate to say.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar snorted. "Don't gimme that crap, Adelaide. You're smarter than that." He paused a moment as he took a loud *sip* from his cup. "Whatta ya want me t'do? Lie 'n say I've been pinin' for ya, ever since ya pulled up stakes and left? You'd frackin' know I was lyin'. Not 'cause I never loved ya (ya know I loved ya with all m'heart). But 'cause you know I'd be suspicious as t'why ya just showed up allah sudden after takin' off like ya did.

"Hell...you haven't even told me why ya want me back." His black eyes flashed but not in anger. "So let's start with that first before we go all mushy on each other."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

"Because I want to get back what I lost"

Inwardly she questioned if it was just to replace one love for another. Perhaps try to fill the void of Bren with the only other person that could even come close to such claim on her heart? Del didn't think so. But Kazaar might, and who could blame him?

Looking at Kazaar now, Adelaide knew the truth of the matter, even if her estranged husband didn't. She still loved him, had never stopped.

"Ive lost so much, Aurelias" her voice was quiet, the way it got when she was being earnest. "We've both lost so much"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar exhaled. So this was it...th'reason she wanted him back. It cut a streak in his heart he'd long saw harden over, with all th'rage he'd stored up towards her. Th'thought of her 'betrayal' and the sudden discovery of her reasons why. Brought back a lotta things...lotta things he'd thought gone.

"Delly." He said with a sense o'finality he hated. "Ya shoulda told me from the beginning. I ain't sayin' it can't work out...but are ya sure ya want it to? Are ya sure ya ain't tryin' t'fill that hole in ya heart from the loss of Bren?" The look on his face was mysterious, and one he hadn't had forra while. It was empathy. He understood where Adelaide was comin' from. But he wouldn't let 'er replace Bren with himself, if that was what she was doin'.

"It ain't right..." His black eyes were pained, from their loss. "Ain't th'way t'get back together."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

"We were together before Bren"

A simple statement, stated simply - as was typical of Adelaide's style. She wasn't much of one for dramatics and unchecked emotions, and Kazaar knew how she only needed to use a few words in order to say alot.

To an outside observer, it would be easy to miss her heart hanging in her throat.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

"Yeh we were." Kazaar looked off t'the side. "Yeh we were." Everything was so damn complicating. Even Del's statement, simple as it was, was pretty complicated. Problem was, much as people don't like admittin' it, things change. Jobs change, reasons f'doing stuff change. Kazaar hadn't changed character-wise, but he was livin' a more dangerous life than he when he and Adelaide were married. Sure it'd be nice but...

"I dunno Del. Nice as it'd be..."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

Abandoning the idea of making omlettes, Adelaide stepped forward, closing the distance between herself and her husband. She stood toe-to-toe with Kazaar, taking his rough hand and pressing it to her lips. Her eyes proved impossible for him to look away from. She was making herself completely vunerable to him. At this time, of all times, after she's been shredded by such overwhelming sadness, he knew how much guts it was taking for her to do it.

"We have a chance to be happy again, Aurelias. Remember what happy was like?"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Happiness is relative, Delly." He stated, his right hand tingling from th'feeling of her lips. "I was pretty happy where I was. Cushy job with good pay. Gettin' th'chance t'do what I wanted t'do, not running 'round bounty after bounty tryin' t'survive." 'Course he didn't say his version of 'doin' what he wanted t'do' was killing Imperials, partnering with 'The Kid', and occasionally gettin' tossed in jail. He played a pretty delicate game, both he and Estelle did, dodgin' the Empire on one hand while pretending t'be 'normal'. His old handler explained it pretty well, "It's an almost sexual thrill, Kazaar. Emergencing victorious from a battle with danger all around you. Almost, but not quite." Of course he'd been married most of his life, so Kazaar assumed his boss figured out a way to 'get his joneses' more often than not. Lucky bastard.

Could it be th'same with Adelaide? She still stared at him with those eyes. Seemed all she wanted was some comfort, but where th'frack was Kazaar gonna get his? Not like he was gonna go shack up with 'The Kid' when he got back (even if she was more than nice t'look at). 'Course would Adelaide feel th'same 'bout him if she found out his game was much more dangerous than it'd been when they were first married? Or had they gone beyond that and were graspin' at something that wasn't right.

Only one real way t'find out. They got closer and close, their forehead touchin', eyes starin' straight at each other. It was almost perfect...

Then Kazaar closed his eyes and cursed himself. "Sorry Delly. It ain't right're fair t'either of us." He put an arm 'round her and pulled 'er in, knowing she could tell he wanted it, as much as she did. "We'd be frackin' things up big time."

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

She wished he'd stop talking, stop thinking. Couldn't he for once just take the good without anticipating the bad? She held him tightly, pulling him closer to her almost desperately. So what if it didn't work out in the long run? They might not live that long, probably wouldn't live that long. All they had was today. Since when did Aurelias become so responsible? So practical? Since when did he concern himself so much with the 'what ifs'? Kazzar felt the thought as it hit her, felt it take some of the heat from her body. She slumped slightly against him, feeling defeated in her certainty.

Since the 'Kid.

Adelaide broke the embrace, stepping back and allowing the distance to resume its place between them. The empty space rolled back in between them like the broiling clouds of a rainstorm.

Her voice was small, her heartbreak all but smothering her ability to speak.

"You better go"

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar nodded. "Yeh. I better..." He turned to walk away, leave them both alone in their grief and loneliness. "If ya ever need anythi--"

"JUST GO!" Adelaide raised her voice as much as she could. "Please."

He nodded again and left, hearin' words in his mind. Why'd ya have to go and let it die? They repeated over 'n over again and Kazaar had no answer. 'Cept for he knew it would only hurt 'em long run. Much as he wanted t'stay...Aurelias Kazaar knew he couldn't.

And he hated himself even more for it.

[Adelaide Kasperian-Kazaar]

The soft 'click' of the door closing behind her husband was a gentle, but eloquent, exclaimation mark to the end of her hope.

She was alone.
Now, more than ever before. More than she could believe was even possible. The silence of the house clamoured in her ears. The absence of another soul, of anybody being with her, not even one of Bren's silly fish was a presence to be with her in the home that had always been such a comfort and haven to her. The stillness was profound. And terrifying.

Adelaide made an effort to clean up the kitchen from the partially prepared omlettes, and found she didnt have the strength for it. She didnt have the strength for anything. It was all to overwhelming. Kazaar had really gone. Just like that, gone.

She walked to the staircase, stooping at its base as the dull glimmer from something under the steps caught her eye. It was Kazaar's lighter, fallen from his pocket when they'd sat on the stairs. She held it in her open palm, her thumb caressing the engraved inscription along its edge. She doubted he'd ever be back for it. Folding her fingers around it, she mounted the stairs and headed into her son's room.

Adelaide felt lost. Completely and absolutely. She didn't know what to do next and she had no heart to try to think about it.

The rain started again, softly this time, as if in respect to her sorrowful state. Curling up on Bren's bed with Kazaar's lighter tucked in her hand, Adelaide stopped trying to be brave and gave into her grief. Her tears melded with the hushed tapping of the rain on the windows, and it would prove to rain all night.

[Aurelias Kazaar]

Kazaar didn't stop until he'd reached The Dutchman. His heart felt heavy in his chest and his mind was numb. Th'last few weeks from Gorgja's mind games t'Delly's appearance and his fight with Crei's droid had drained him pretty far. Not sleepin' to well either, the stress of it all wasn't letting him relax. And his boycott o'booze and cigars hadn't helped either. 'Specially the cigar part.

Striding up th'ship's ramp, Kazaar brushed water outta his eyes and forehead before tossing his coat onto a buncha boxes he used f'target practice from time t'time. 'Trey' *warbled* as the droid rolled over t'where his 'master' stood.

"Nah I ain't goin' back." He shook his head, then patted the droid's dome. "Just ain't worth it. Not that she ain't worth it, just th'hassle o'trying t'pick up th'pieces and rebuild some sorta bridge that ain't there anymore." He thought 'bout pouring himself a drink, but then just guzzled th'whole damn bottle. Th'bourbon burned down his throat and caused his eyes t'water even more.

"Dammit. Where th'frack is my lighter?" He fumbled 'round The Dutchman a bit before decidin' t'grab a pack of matches and light his cigar 'old school'.

Feelin' his thoughts slip back to Delly and a risin' desire t'run back and try t'work things out, Kazaar took another drink. "'Trey', let's get outta here."

Then he closed his eyes and tried not t'think the words he had rolling in his head.

Why'd you have to go...

...And let it die?