After the Kill

[Byl Laprovik]

Being somebody that owns firearms at least partly for self defense reasons, as well as being a CCW, I've given a lot of thought to the possibility of being in a situation in which I use lethal force in my defense, with the result ending in another person's death.

Now, I'm completely behind the school of thought that it's a good idea to defend your life with the best means available, and that calls for a firearm. That being said, I've always worried about the situation I would be in following the hypothetical killing of somebody else in self defense. What I've come up with is a really bleak outlook for myself, even if I survive the encounter.

A little background here:

About ten years ago, I lost a very close friend of mine to murder. He was music director at our church (within walking distance of my house) and one morning, he stopped by the church before meeting with a group of friends to travel to a Promise Keepers rally in Washington DC.

Inside the church, he stumbled upon some crackhead breaking into a vending machine to get the quarters inside. My friend turned and ran. The other man pulled a revolver and emptied it into my friend's back as he fled, killing him.

This utterly devastated me. For anybody who hasn't lost somebody to a murder, the best way I can describe it is that it's a grief beyond losing somebody to something like illness or an auto accident. I've lost friends and loved ones to both, but there's some kind of universal rhyme and reason to both of those. Somebody killing somebody else trumps it all for me. I can't hack it, and it almost killed me when I had to deal with it. I locked myself in my room. I didn't eat, I didn't talk to anybody. I went for a year without giving a damn about myself, and I completely entertained the idea of wasting my life, whether it meant driving my car off a bridge or playing with matches, etc. It took a hell of a long time for me to give a damn whether I lived or died after that. I remember my first year in college, and I was still dealing with the aftermath, and I tried to drink myself to death. A marine buddy of mine sat with me and kept me from drowning on myself, and I spilled my guts to him about the whole thing. The disclosure was a good thing, but having somebody there to keep me sane was even better. That was just a taste of it for me.

I ask myself now, how would I react in the aftermath of taking a life. Lets forget the legal issues. I will probably have to spend a lot of money in my defense, and I will have to answer a lot of questions, and deal with lots of nuissance issues. Whatever. This isn't as much of a concern to me, since I'm aware of these things and they're quantifiable.

My problem is, how do I deal with taking another person's life, after all is said and done, and after I'm possibly cleared of wrongdoing? I don't have an answer for this, and that kind of scares me. Yes, I can appreciate that I may act in self defense, and may be completely in the right, but there's still a part of me that I don't think can get over this. I'm worried that at the very least, I'm going to need a lot of therapy, and at the worst, I'm going to fall into the kind of depression I can't ever get out of. I wonder at times if its worth saving my own butt if I have to live with this kind of burden?

Am I just crazy? I've really tried to rationalize this ever since I've started carrying, but I can't convince myself I'll be even close to okay if this happens.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

Here's your answer - don't carry a piece if you think you'll need years of expensive therapy after you actually have to use it.

Otherwise it's just decoration and might get you killed if you're not actually willing to use it.

[Byl Laprovik]

You misunderstand - I'm perfectly willing to use it if it comes down to my life on the line.

What my dilemma is, after the fact, how do I live with myself? Even if I'm convinced that shooting to defend is the correct course of action, and even if I'm legally ironclad, I still will have to live with the results of my actions. It's a lot more complicated than questioning the option of lethal force.

[Droo]

I've not been awake long so I won't delve into what I would percieve as the moral ramifications of killing someone in self defense but I'll try going into a little detail later. However, what I would immediately suggest, if you haven't already done this, is speak with people who may have to deal with killing people in self defense on a daily basis. A policeman or a man who has fought in a war. Talk to them, and find out how they have dealt with such a burden. Even though I'm sure every person's experience and journey is different, I think speaking to people who have already been in such situations will help.

Ultimately, any form of killing is bad. This is unavoidable as it goes against the human condition. However, killing in self defense doesn't make you a bad person, it simply means you're a person who cherishes life and that is one of the most important things you could ask of someone.

[Nathanial K'cansce]

Would you actually get to a point where you would have to shoot to kill in order to save your own life? If you question how you would handle it, why put yourself in a situation where you would. Aim to incompacitate with a shot to the legs or shoulders - stop him from coming after you, thus saving your life?

If it does come down to killing for self preservation, I think Droo offers really sound advice.

[Byl Laprovik]

I don't question my ability to pull the trigger to save my own life. I am confident that if I need to do it, I will do it.

My real problem is that even if I know what I've done was the right thing to do, its still a really hard thing to live with afterward.

[Fiona Devlin]

Think of it this way. In such a case, it was you or the other guy. And the idiot made his choice.

:hug Charley