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Oriadin
Jan 31st, 2006, 07:07:36 AM
Hello,

A few couple of months ago my girlfriend and I were having problems. She got cold feet in the relationship and moved out. She told me she didnt love me anymore and asked me to break up with her, so I did. About 4 days later she went out clubbing but didnt come go back home. Her mum called me to ask if id seen her. I hadnt. I tried to my girlfriend mobile but there was no answer, so I left a message. Probably about 11am I got a call from her telling me she was ok. I asked where she was, she said her cousins, but I knew that was a lie. Later that day I went out and when I got back I found my girlfriend in bed asleep. She woke when I entered the room and we talked. She was all over me and we ended up having sex. She then wanted to go back to her parents and I didnt know where we stood. We discussed all our issues and it came out that the night she didnt come home from clubbing, she had sex with someone else. She said she had sex with me the following day because she felt guilty.

Anyway, we sorted out a lot of issues and decided to give it another go. My girlfriend didnt go out clubbing anymore and we started making couple friends and doing more together. Some days I'd feel fine and really in love, other times I just felt really wary that it would happen again. It cut me deep and I was really struggling with it.

As it came up to christmas, my girlfriend went on a works do and didnt come home until 5 in the morning! I asked where she had been and she just said in pubs. That her work mates new bar owners and stuff. I didnt belive it, but I didnt push for the truth.

At the start of the year, my girlfriend started to keep a diary. She told me I could read it if I wanted so I read the first entry and left it at that. Id also started to keep a notebook of my thoughts and feelings, expressing the difficulties I was going through with the time my girlfriend and I broke up, and her sleeping with someone else.

One night, while round at my friends, she found my notebook and called me, asking if I wanted to make this work and if I fancied anyone else blah blah blah. I said I did and when I got home we had a long chat about it, and all was ok.

Next day I found some ash in the kitchen. I asked my girlfriend about it and she said she tried to burn her diary pages but she couldnt so ripped them up instead. I asked why and she said she didnt like them. I didnt want to start an argument so I accepted that and carried on. As soon as she left for work, I went to the bin, found the ripped up pages and put them back together.

I read that she had slept with a guy called phil from her work about three weeks ago. She said it was amazing and that she was falling for him. She had to wait 3 hours for him and while she was waiting, she text me to tell me she loved me and treasured every day with me.

In her next diary entry she went on to say how she had fallen for phil so much but she didnt want to jeprodise what she had with me, so had to leave her job.

On from that, my girlfriend had probably the best couple of weeks of our relationship. We'd made a big circle of friends, taken a trip to London and everything just seemed to be on track. Then I found out about all of this. I called it off with her but I keep having second thoughts. My family all hate her for what shes done to me. I dont feel angry, just gutted and dissapointed. We are still talking but she wants me back. Promises, things will be different and that she had decided before I read the diary that I was the one she wanted. Thats why she tried to destroy the pages. To try and forget what happend.

I still love her, but it feels wrong to get back with her after all she's done to me. My family will never understand and im not sure if I will ever be able to be close to her without thinking about phil. My head is just so full of thoughts feelings and emotions right now, I just dont know what to do. EVERYONE ive spoken to said I should dump her and move on, and sometimes I think, yep, thats what im going to do but then what if she really means it? What if things would be great forever more if I got back with her? I might find someone new, but what if they do the same? I tried to suggest to her that we break up, but try to find away to be friends, but if we are out together and I see a girl I like, or she sees a bloke she likes, how are we going to feel? What if we get drunk, get with each other and then I regret it the next day?

Im so confused, and my thoughts seem to change like the wind right now. So this brings a close to my over long post. Trust me there are a lot more details, but thats pretty much the important parts. I guess I feel an outsiders view would be welcome.

Loklorien s'Ilancy
Jan 31st, 2006, 08:08:17 AM
Drop her. Completely. My advice is to cut your losses and run, don't let her hurt you any more than she has already. You deserve better than someone like that, because she won't ever stop doing what she's doing. It won't matter what she says or how much she promises you. it'll happen again.

I know this is kind of mean of me to say but it's better that she did this now than further down the road.

If you ever need to vent, or just talk, I'm usually on IM so don't be a stranger :hug

Dasquian Belargic
Jan 31st, 2006, 08:14:20 AM
^ s'Il is right. Obviously I don't know either of you that well, but I think that if she feels like she can get away with doing these sorts of things, and still have you take her back in the end, she'll just keep doing them. It'll be "the last time" more than once. You have to put your foot down, as much as you may love her. Break it off and be happy remembering the good times you had. Of course you are still going to be feeling something for her, for a long time probably, but the longer you put it off the worse it will get.

Oriadin
Jan 31st, 2006, 09:01:05 AM
I guess a real big part of me is scared. We have a flat together and if we do go our seperate ways neither of us can afford the mortgage alone. I have no idea where Im going to live, or how id afford it.

I miss her, and its stupid I know but I feel guilty in a way for not taking her back. I just wish I could go back in time and all of this never happen. Life is crap in the way you have a problem thats not your fault, and yet its left to you to clear up and sort out. You have to make the decisions. Change brings fear, and my life is going to go through some major changes and I guess im just afraid of making the wrong ones.


Originally posted by Loklorien s'Ilancy
If you ever need to vent, or just talk, I'm usually on IM so don't be a stranger :hug

Thanks, perhaps I'll get time to look you up in the next few days.

JMK
Jan 31st, 2006, 09:30:57 AM
Originally posted by Loklorien s'Ilancy
Drop her. Completely. My advice is to cut your losses and run, don't let her hurt you any more than she has already. You deserve better than someone like that, because she won't ever stop doing what she's doing. It won't matter what she says or how much she promises you. it'll happen again.


Good lord I can't tell you how much this is SO TRUE. Leave her. Yesterday. My younger brother had the EXACT same troubles with his girlfriend, except despite everyone telling him to leave her, he stayed with her for another 14 months. Then they finally broke up but it was a total disaster and they're both extremely bitter and beleaguered. It's really sad to see, so do yourself the biggest favor you can possibly do for yourself and move on.

Darth McBain
Jan 31st, 2006, 09:45:07 AM
I'd have to agree - this just sounds like it has trouble written all over it. If something like this is happening now, what's to say it won't happen again in the future, or worse? Of course, that's the gamble you take with any relationship, but this just doesn't sound right to me. The world is tough enough even when you've found a really great partner to whether the storms with - you don't need to be bringing any more trouble and hurt on yourself.

Just my $0.02 - good luck, dude...

Mandy with an I
Jan 31st, 2006, 10:18:33 AM
I know everyone is going to give you the same advice - dump her, bla bla bla - and it's hard when you care about someone to just go. But guess what? Sometimes you have to do what's best for you, put whatever feelings you may have still aside and just do what you have to. It hurts, but in the end, you have to take care of you.

Love shouldn't make you feel like a doormat, Ori. And if she really REALLY loved and respected you, she wouldn't have slept around in the first place. I know when we used to talk on MSN, you were an awesome guy, so you should be someone who makes you feel good, not guilty.

And if you can't afford the mortgage alone, look for a room-mate?

Pierce Tondry
Jan 31st, 2006, 11:35:11 AM
GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW.

Frankly you're already living with fear and pain to begin with and will just be trading one kind for another that could turn out to be better than you think. Don't let inertia get the better of you; cut your losses and make a change.

And like s'Il, I am here to listen as well. I'm not on IM as much these days, but you will be able to catch me on it occasionally. Plus, you can always PM me here or hit me up with an e-mail.

PS: it's good to see you Ori. Glad you're still around and kicking.

Jaime Tomahawk
Jan 31st, 2006, 03:40:23 PM
Get out now. It's not worth any more BS

Lilaena De'Ville
Jan 31st, 2006, 05:11:04 PM
Er, ditto. Run for the hills.

It'll be hard - you'll miss her/miss being with someone, and the housing situation is going to be a pain in the butt to figure out, but honestly you really have no other option. Ok, you could stay with her, but you'll just end up severing all ties with her eventually.

Don't be like the guy in "Self Esteem" by the Offspring. :)

Oriadin
Jan 31st, 2006, 06:12:08 PM
Thanks to everyone who has replied to my thread. I realise reading back to myself just how down and mixed up I was feeling by the number of typos!

Ive listened to what you've all said and I've listened to my friends and family. I guess there really is no way forward for my gir... ex girlfriend and I anymore. I was pretty clear to her the first time we broke up that id give her one more chance, and that was it.

I guess what it really boils down to is what you can and can't live with. I think this will probably haunt me forever but I've got to move on, however painfull the next few weeks/months will be.

Cheers everyone. Really.

PS. Nice to see you Brian, have to catch up soon.

Eve
Jan 31st, 2006, 09:23:56 PM
It is going to be hard. You already know that. Just remember, in months from now, you will feel completely different. In a year from now, you could be in a totally different place. You'd be surprised how removing someone hurtful from your life changes your life.

Keep yourself busy. When your pals offer for you to go out, do it, even if you don't feel like it (and you won't). Talk it out, a million times if need be. Soon, you will realize that you had not thought of her at all on a particular day.

Everything happens for a reason, trust me. This happened so you could realize you shouldn't be there. This happened because you're meant for someone else. What she did isn't love. You deserve better and are meant for more than that.

I'm also here, if you need to talk.

Charley
Jan 31st, 2006, 10:29:29 PM
Since everybody's already given you the same advice, all I can offer is a handful of jokes and a little catharsis whenever you're in the mood.

Mu Satach
Jan 31st, 2006, 11:04:47 PM
Originally posted by Oriadin
Change brings fear, and my life is going to go through some major changes and I guess im just afraid of making the wrong ones.


Change is a good thing. Without change there is no growth and I've survived enough wrong decisions to know that each one brings about at the very least new knowledge. The only choices I truely regret are ones that I've already done. In other words, I make the exact same wrong choice I made before. I'll take a possible new wrong choice over a repeat anytime, at least the scenery changes.


Originally posted by Oriadin
I guess what it really boils down to is what you can and can't live with. I think this will probably haunt me forever but I've got to move on, however painfull the next few weeks/months will be.


Knowing what you can and can't live with is a good thing. Deciding that you want someone who is completely wholly committed to being with you 100% is also a good thing. This experience will change the way you react with a new relationship, if and when you are ready to try again. But as long as you are honest with the next person and let them know up front what you absolutely will not be able to tolerate you may find yourself in a better place with someone who loves you as much as you love them. There are a lot of people out there who demand a true and total committment from their partners than just yourself. Plus, it sounds like you've got a wide support system from friends and family who will be there to listen and back your decision.

Take care.

Oriadin
Feb 1st, 2006, 03:20:47 AM
Originally posted by Charley
Since everybody's already given you the same advice, all I can offer is a handful of jokes and a little catharsis whenever you're in the mood.

I could always use a bit of a pick me up!

Today im feeling pretty low. Not sleeping too well and all. Im enjoying going to work so im busy and around a lot of people. Thanks again to everyone who has posted, seems pretty unanimous. EVERYBODY can't be wrong and I guess in my heart I know its over.

Its all been good advice and I really appreciate it.