Wyl Staedtler
Dec 30th, 2005, 04:49:37 PM
Dear Sir/Madam/Inconsiderate Dolt,
Welcome to Starbucks! I'll be your barista today, but before we begin the journey to caffeine enlightenment, allow me to make a few simple requests. After all, we both want things to go as smoothly as possible. Coffee is serious business.
When ordering your drink, please don't spit it out in one torrential rush as if all your life you've been harbouring an undying passion for grandenonfatthreepumppeppermintwhitemochawithlight whipcreamandcouldyoumakeitextrahot? Fluency is our friend, and appropriate pausing is like a favorite cousin. When you succumb to verbal vomit, it fails to indicate that you are merely enthusiastic about our product. Without appropriate pausing, you sound as if you are merely babbling and possibly suffering from a speed addiction. Let's keep your valuble reputation in tact, yes?
Now, I know that we probably dazzle you with our tremendous bar-and-register skills, but it is a common misconception that Starbucks Barista's have two brains, three arms, and four ears. We are, in fact, human and thusly do not possess any additional appendages or cerebral organs. What does this mean? While we're glad that you have chosen our company to start off your morning/afternoon/evening, it is impossible for us to write down six drink orders, package your pastries, enter your order into the register,check the balance on your Starbucks card, accept payment, and calculate the cost with tax all at the same time. We're happy to do each and every one of these things for you, but until head office exposes us to radioactive toxins and induces super-mutation, you will have to be patient and allow the Order of Things to occur naturally.
While we're on the subject of general consideration, may I suggest considering the use of the term 'please' in it's adverb form? Or perhaps you'd like to sample 'thank you' with the option of adding genuine appreciation? Maybe, and we understand that this is quite probably asking far too much for the average customer, you might even use both! It would certainly be an event to remember.
Now, valued customer, let's cover a more serious subject quickly. When ordering your coffee, please don't talk on your cell phone. This, when done in the atmosphere of our store, induces severe rage and indignation on the part of us baristas. We really would like to help you, but if you insist on conversing with your boss/friend/family member/pet on a cellular device and choose to attempt to order with Coffee Sign Language (which, by the way, doesn't actually exist)we will be forced to bite your face off. :)
I understand that this all may seem to be dropping out of the blue. Change is hard, isn't it? Still, let's all do our best to adhere to the rules so we can contribute to a positive java-toned atmosphere. As hard as it is to believe, most of us baristas do have lives outside of that strange realm Behind the Counter. We don't relish getting up at three in the morning and driving to work so we can be there to get the store ready for you at four. We don't enjoy being burned by hot water, scorching milk, or wayward steam wands. Sometimes we even hate the hours of cleaning and prep work required to keep our stores running. Most of us aspire to one day perhaps be more than a humble brewer of coffee. We do it because, like you, we need to eat. Just remembering this, and showing the proper consideration, will encourage us to show you an even better time as you peruse the valley of mocha and scale the mountain of macchiato.
This concludes our Introduction to Ordering tour. Thank you for your time.
Now, what can we get for you today?
Welcome to Starbucks! I'll be your barista today, but before we begin the journey to caffeine enlightenment, allow me to make a few simple requests. After all, we both want things to go as smoothly as possible. Coffee is serious business.
When ordering your drink, please don't spit it out in one torrential rush as if all your life you've been harbouring an undying passion for grandenonfatthreepumppeppermintwhitemochawithlight whipcreamandcouldyoumakeitextrahot? Fluency is our friend, and appropriate pausing is like a favorite cousin. When you succumb to verbal vomit, it fails to indicate that you are merely enthusiastic about our product. Without appropriate pausing, you sound as if you are merely babbling and possibly suffering from a speed addiction. Let's keep your valuble reputation in tact, yes?
Now, I know that we probably dazzle you with our tremendous bar-and-register skills, but it is a common misconception that Starbucks Barista's have two brains, three arms, and four ears. We are, in fact, human and thusly do not possess any additional appendages or cerebral organs. What does this mean? While we're glad that you have chosen our company to start off your morning/afternoon/evening, it is impossible for us to write down six drink orders, package your pastries, enter your order into the register,check the balance on your Starbucks card, accept payment, and calculate the cost with tax all at the same time. We're happy to do each and every one of these things for you, but until head office exposes us to radioactive toxins and induces super-mutation, you will have to be patient and allow the Order of Things to occur naturally.
While we're on the subject of general consideration, may I suggest considering the use of the term 'please' in it's adverb form? Or perhaps you'd like to sample 'thank you' with the option of adding genuine appreciation? Maybe, and we understand that this is quite probably asking far too much for the average customer, you might even use both! It would certainly be an event to remember.
Now, valued customer, let's cover a more serious subject quickly. When ordering your coffee, please don't talk on your cell phone. This, when done in the atmosphere of our store, induces severe rage and indignation on the part of us baristas. We really would like to help you, but if you insist on conversing with your boss/friend/family member/pet on a cellular device and choose to attempt to order with Coffee Sign Language (which, by the way, doesn't actually exist)we will be forced to bite your face off. :)
I understand that this all may seem to be dropping out of the blue. Change is hard, isn't it? Still, let's all do our best to adhere to the rules so we can contribute to a positive java-toned atmosphere. As hard as it is to believe, most of us baristas do have lives outside of that strange realm Behind the Counter. We don't relish getting up at three in the morning and driving to work so we can be there to get the store ready for you at four. We don't enjoy being burned by hot water, scorching milk, or wayward steam wands. Sometimes we even hate the hours of cleaning and prep work required to keep our stores running. Most of us aspire to one day perhaps be more than a humble brewer of coffee. We do it because, like you, we need to eat. Just remembering this, and showing the proper consideration, will encourage us to show you an even better time as you peruse the valley of mocha and scale the mountain of macchiato.
This concludes our Introduction to Ordering tour. Thank you for your time.
Now, what can we get for you today?