About last night....(Keira)

[Maxim Vasilijev]

As the sunlight filtered into the room, Maxim rolled over and groaned, eyes still pulled shut to block out the torturous beams. It was way too early. Way too frelling early for the sun to be peeping through the windows. Hadnt he and Keira put in those shades that were supposed to keep the sun from coming in? He reached for a pillow, or whatever could be found to pull over his head and block the light.

Last night had been….well, he’d definitely had way too much to drink.

He was a kid who liked to party, there was no doubt about it, but Keira was right, being in the Sith Order had made him a bit soft. He didn’t have time to drink there, and his tolerance had lessened since leaving school and joining the order. But still, the amount he’d had to drink last night would have made anyone feel as miserable today as he did.

He had been living with Keira in her apartment now for…well, for a bit of time. He had asked for a time of leave from the Order to get her settled in her new place. To reconnect and spend some time with his best…friend….from college.

Friend. Hadnt that word been put to the test over the past few weeks. Maxim wasn’t sure what the definition of friend was anymore. If Keira was only a friend to him, well, he was damn scared of what anything deeper between them would mean. Not that he had a choice about it. He and Keira were friends and friends only.

For now.

For ever.

For infinity.

For….well, for as long as he’d be able to put off those strange feelings that kept resurfacing. Or until he really figured out what all of this meant. What it meant to think about someone like Keira as a woman, and not as a friend.

There were two bedrooms in her apartment, but Keira wasn’t the biggest fan of sleeping alone. And Maxim, well, he hadnt been in any state to object when he had crashed last night. In fact, he didn’t much remember crawling into bed at all.

And that actually brought his eyes to open against the harsh light.

Last night.

He did remember something about it. In particular that there had been heated words between he and Keira. Not that that was anything new – with two hotheads like Max and Kei, it happened quite often.

But he didn’t remember how it ended. And that was what opened his eyes…opened them to see if she was there beside him or….not.

[Keira]

Kei was beside him, a small lump under the blankets. Her body curled into itself, holding in the pain, and the need to reach out to him. The harsh sunlight had not seared her weary mind or eyes yet, being immersed in covers as she was. Lying awake throughout the night had brought her from a drunken stupor to a sober reality she could not escape.

Her words and his echoed through her brain, each word recalled brought an ache. The argument was not new by any means, she getting hit on, him getting hit on, and the inevitable harsh words that followed. It was not the fight that had caused her a sleepless night it was the fact she made a drunken confession to Max, and he had laughed. So maybe she had said it all wrong, maybe he had not understood her over the pounding music, and she had truly not meant to knock his date out. Sighing softly she wondered what he remembered, and hoped he did remember it all and then again nothing at all.

She had thought living together would ease the strain of her need for him. Instead it had only intensified and now she could not imagine life without him next to her.

"What a frelling mess." Kei groaned. Turning over she tightened the covers over her head, wondering if he remembered the heated kiss she had given him before he had passed out on the bed they shared. Well it was his bed but she would be darned if she was going to sleep alone.

Kei felt Max move, heard his groan of pain as the sunlight pierced his sensitive eyes. She grew still, unwilling to let him know that she had been up all night. Not that it would be hard to tell with her weary eyes giving her away. Kei longed to fold her body to his, to feel his arms slip around her. But his remembered laugh at her words brought her up short.

"Frell it." If he didn’t remember last night he would think it was just her being herself. If he did remember what more could he do to bruise her heart and ego......?

[Maxim Vasilijev]

"What a frelling mess."

He heard her groan and he sighed softly. Those words could have been used by Kei to describe anything – her hair, the fact that she felt hung over, his room, the fact that the covers were all twisted, or….or last night.

Last night. He struggled to recall just what had gone on.

Bits and pieces slowly came back to him, some every bit as painful as the sunlight on eyes that wanted to remain closed. On a head that pounded from a fierce hang over and thoughts that troubled him.

He watched as the little lump under the covers readjusted herself., pulling the covers even tighter over her head.

"Frell it."

He didn’t say anything, he only turned over and moved a bit closer to her, putting his arm over the lump in a location that seemed….safe to put it. It was as he did this, the closeness of Keira being right there beside him like that that he began to recall.

He’d been out with…not with Keira. He’d been out with a girl he was sort of…dating. And Keira had been there. And she’d been drunk. And over the words of the band he thought he’d heard her say something about how she could take care of him much better than ‘that’girl could. And he’d laughed. Laughed not because he thought it was ridiculous, but because it was the truth. Of course Kei could take care of him better. She did take care of him better. He’d been laughing more….oh, frell it all. It had been more of a bitter laugh. A bitter laugh because he darn well knew Keira could take care of him better.

But…she was a friend. And she trusted him because he was a friend. Keira didn’t trust boy friends. And to become one of those, to admit his affections for her…well, wasn’t that to risk losing her? He’d seen what she did with ex boyfriends when she was tired of them. She kicked them to the curb and that was that.

And he’d be darned if he was going to be sitting on a curb with his heart splattered into pieces.

But she’d gotten mad about it. She’d gotten downright angry about his laugh. Had he misunderstood what she’d said to him? He’d been so out of it, it was possible that he had.

And what….what had happened to his date? He maybe faintly remembered her yelling at him. But more, he remembered Keira yelling at him because…well, because it mattered.

“Frell what?” He asked, carefully peeling back the covers from her head, prying them out of her fingers as gently as possible.

He really hoped she wasn’t in the mood to argue, because there was no doubt he would lose. He just wasn’t up to snuff quite yet. Not this early after a night like last night.

[Keira]

Kei stiffened as Max moved closer, her eyes closing tight as he slid his arm over her body. She had wanted his touch and she was just about to move when he had done it for her.

“Frell what?”

She could not tell him why she had said that. That she had been about to form her body to his, and figured that he would think she was asleep and cuddling up to him without knowing it. But as always she talked out loud when she had meant to keep it inside. Like last night and the words her drunken mouth would not hold back.

As he tugged the covers from her tight fingers she sighed. Unwilling to let him see neither her red rimmed eyes nor the tears that had sprung to them. She quickly flipped to her side and buried her face in his chest. It seemed the safest thing to do.

"Frell the daylight Max, what else....." Her words were muffled against him. Now she hoped he didn’t remember all of what she had said. She was afraid he would only laugh again, and right now her weary mind was close to breaking. Her thoughts flooded her and pain came with it.

"Go back to sleep Max....." She whispered, not wanting his touch to end.....

[Maxim Vasilijev]

"Go back to sleep Max....."

Maybe that was all he had needed – for Keira to be close to him, for her words to comfort him. To know that whatever had gone on, he was, at least for right now, forgiven. Oh, they’d likely have it out later when they were both feeling more up to it, but for now, he gave in to her words and his eyes closed, accepting the peacefulness of sleep that was finally able to come to him. With his arms wrapped around her, holding her to him, he slept.
---------------------------------------------------------

When he woke up, she was not there. And this was unusual. He was always the first one to wake up. He was used to early mornings for athletic practices, or as of late, training at the Sith Order. It had been so long since he had slept in until….noon? Was it really noon already?

He sat up, blinking for a moment before he staggered to his feet and wandered, clad in his boxers, out to the living room area to see if Keira was there. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t out there. And so he went to peek in her bedroom. And there she was, lying on her bed, her arms wrapped around her pillow.

He could feel it hit him then. Hit his heart and sink to the pit of his stomach. He’d really upset her, if she had left his room to sleep alone.

And so, unaware of the night she had had, so sleepless and weary, he walked back into the kitchen, poured a glass of water for himself that he hauled down in moments, and then refilled it to bring to Keira. On the way, he reached into the cabinet and grabbed a bag of potato chips. Those were always the answer to a hangover, he’d learned. And into Keira’s room he went with his peace offering.

He sat down on the edge of her bed and reached to brush her hair back from her face. She stirred, and he knew she was awake – whether she chose to open her eyes and look at him or not.

“There’s only so many days in a year…” He commented somewhat carefully, “If you keep sleeping you might miss the New Years party I was thinking we might have…”

Silence.

“I brought you some water….” He was trying. He really was. As best that Maxim knew how to right whatever was wrong between them. Brown eyes studied Keira, staring, but not harshly. Watching, rather, with concern in them.

[Keira]

Kei felt the bed give under his weight, she kept her eyes tightly closed feigning sleep. She had not wanted to leave him, she had not wanted to pull herself from the warm circle of his arms. But her heart had broken with each deep and even breath of sleep he took. He would never want to be what she wanted and she was unwilling to loose his friendship. Kei had decided as she slid from the bed that she would forget what she wanted and be content with what he offered.

As she slid into her own bed the tears came, hot on her cheeks and bitter in her throat. The decision was not an easy one to make but Kei knew she had no other choice. The pillow she pulled into her arms and buried her wet face in was a poor substitute for Max. It made it all the worse. His clean, manly smell was not there, his warm protective embrace was not hers to take. Sleep eluded her and she was glad of it. She didn’t have the heart for the nightmares he would not be able to hold at bay now.


“There’s only so many days in a year…” He commented somewhat carefully, “If you keep sleeping you might miss the New Years party I was thinking we might have…”

Stirring but keeping her red eyes closed Kei sighed. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to respond without giving away her pain. She chose not to answer at all, hoping he understood, even though she did not.


“I brought you some water….”

"I......I'm not thirsty Max, thanks anyway." Her voice was barely a whisper, listless and sad. Her mind voiced all the things she wanted to say and for once they did not spill from her lips. "Why can't you see Max, why won't you love me like I love you?" Her tormented mind scattered her thoughts sending up question after question that she could not voice and she knew he could not answer......

[Maxim Vasilijev]

He had made a vow to himself that he would never try to read Keira’s thoughts. It was invasive and unfair, particularly if she couldn’t do it back to him. And he had too much respect for the beautiful woman lying all curled up upon her bed to invade her privacy in such a way. This is not to say that he was not tempted to do such a thing. Not tempted to pry just the slightest bit to know, to find out what was going on. What had Keira so obviously upset with him.

That she refused the glass of water, or even to open her eyes to look at him, or to at least shove him away…well, this was a clear sign to him that something was wrong.

And being force sensitive and being so normally in touch, in tune with Kei, he could feel without meaning to the sadness that seemed to be lurking about her like a fog that refused to lift and let the sunlight shine through.

He sighed softly as he set the glass of water on the beside table. He didn’t move from the bed. Instead he sat there for a bit longer, his gaze flickering to the window and regretting now that he had ever wanted to block the light out. For all he wanted right now was to feel the warmth of it, to feel the energy and positive feelings it could sometimes evoke. Because Keira’s response to him made him feel as if he were beneath a very dark cloud.

He wasn’t really sure how to deal with this side of Keira. He had seen so many sides of her – tired, hungry, feisty, happy, elated, energetic, angry….oh he had seen them all. He’d even seen her sad before, but something about this time was….well, it was different. Usually a little bit of joking from him, the offer of a comforting hug or a beer….well that could usually fix whatever was wrong. He’d never really seen her so genuinely…upset. Or….angry. If that’s what it was. At the moment, he wasn’t sure.

He began to reach out to her, and then thought better of it. For a moment, he stood up and considered leaving her to sleep. But something, perhaps just knowing Keira as well as he did, something told him not to leave and he sat back down. Sometimes you had to just let Kei rant. Let her slam doors and curse you and hurl beer bottles. But sometimes….sometimes he knew she responded better to a firm embrace. Sometimes she just needed someone to let her know it was enough.

Gently he reached out to her, brushing the hair out of her eyes. It was a tender gesture, and when the hair fell right back in place, every bit as stubborn ad Kei herself, he bent to kiss her forehead.

“I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

For Maxim to offer an apology…well, that was a big step. He rarely apologized to anyone. But with Kei….with Kei it was different.

[Keira]

The silence that filled the room was almost unbearable for Kei. She and Max could often sit in silence and just relax but this time it felt wrong. She wanted to scream at him and make him see her, she wanted to be more than friends. More important she didn’t want to lose him ever. She wondered if he remembered any of last night, if he was angry at her for the things she had said and done. Maybe that’s why the silence of the room was so heavy.

“I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Kei opened one red eye and looked at Max in surprise, not just because he had apologized but because he shouldn’t have been the one apologizing. She like him had never been good at saying sorry but in her heart she knew it was her fault. She should have kept quiet and just been friends like he wanted. Kei sat up , pulling her legs to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. A soft smile of regret tugged the corners of her lips.

"You have no reason to be sorry Max." Kei said in a tired voice her chin planted firmly against her knees. "I should be the one to apologize, I.....I was kinda drunk last night." Kei lowered her legs, sliding forward she sought comfort in his arms, aching to tell him how much she loved him, far more than a best friend should. Instead she settled for what she thought he would want.

Burring her face against him she sighed. "Best friends forever right? As for the party, well who would be better to give one than us huh? Besides I think I gave the girl you brought a black eye maybe if I tell her sorry she will go out with you again." Kei forced a laugh, trying to lighten the dark mood that not even the sun could dispel.

[Maxim Vasilijev]

”I should be the one to apologize, I.....I was kinda drunk last night."

He tilted his head slightly. Had this situation not been so serious, a cocky smirk would have graced his lips, his entire face taking on an expression of arrogance. He would likely have given a triumphant display over getting Keira to apologize. Instead, he felt no joy at the apology.

“I was, too…I don’t remember a whole lot of it…” He admitted as she moved forward, seeking his arms. He gave a soft sigh of content as she leaned into him. Why was it that something that felt so right just…just couldn’t be?

"Best friends forever right?

He didn’t hear the rest of what she said. It was mostly a blur of words after that. Best friends. The words were almost sour in his mouth, and would have been had he spoken them out loud. Best friends. That title was more painful now than any other words could have been. Frell it, he didn’t want to be best friends. He wanted….

Her forced laugh caused him to snap out of it just a bit, and he gave her an almost quizzical look. It was obvious, likely, to Keira that he had been somewhere other than in this room for whatever remark had made her laugh as she had. It was obvious the young man hadnt heard it, or didn’t get it. And after last night’s disaster, he most certainly wasn’t going to go and laugh at something he wasn’t sure he should be laughing at.

“I….I missed whatever you just said, Kei. I was thinking about the first thing you said. And how much,” He might have faltered slightly, unsure of how to phrase things. It wasn’t like Maxim to think so much before he spoke, “You know, how much your friendship means to me.”

The last part came out somewhat lamely. And as he said it, it only made him feel like he was moving even further away from what he truly wanted – for Keira to be something more. Instead it felt like he had just erected a massive stone wall right there between them, to keep the more than friendship thing out. And that really bothered him.

“So…uh….” He began almost immediately after, wanting nothing more than to change the topic, “I thought you were meeting up with that guy…whatever his name is, Jamie, last night? What happened to that?” It occurred to him now that Keira was supposed to have been out somewhere last night. Last night shouldn’t have ever happened – at least, not the way it had.

[Keira]

“I was, too…I don’t remember a whole lot of it…”

Those words brought her no comfort like she thought they would. In her heart she had wanted him to remember and to accept. Fate had made him a friend and who was she to fight fate, who was she to change what Max wanted from her. Being in his arms even as just a friend was enough, it would have to be enough.

Kei didn’t raise her head as Max spoke, her face still buried in his chest. Though her eyebrows shot up in surprise to hear the hesitation in his voice. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable with her anymore, maybe....always maybe. His next words seared her heart, and gave her all the answer she needed.

“You know, how much your friendship means to me.”

Kei knew then that he must have remembered some of last night. Giving her the warning in her mind that friends was all he ever wanted to be. She would have to watch from afar, loving him, and always envying the girl he held. Kei drew back from Max, Her red rimmed eyes locking with his. So many words there and they would always remain silent, haunting the depths of her soul.

"You friendship means a lot to me to Max, you know that. Like I said I was drunk. You should know better than anyone to never take anything I say seriously when I am that blasted." For the first time in her life Kei gave Max a half hearted lie, and it was bitter. Kei could tell by his words that what she had done made him uncomfortable and she would be frelled if she was going to lose his friendship because of her own wants.

When Max asked about Jamie Kei smiled ruefully. The boy toy she had been seeing. Not because he did anything for her but because he filled the space that Max would not.

"I ditched him at another party and figured I would crash yours. Shoulda known better huh? He......He was lame." Kei finished as an excuse, Jamie had in fact gotten angry at her. Accused her of only thinking of Max, not that he was wrong but she wasn’t about to put up with it. The yelling match had gotten intense when she had insisted they go to the party Max was at. It had been a downward spiral from there, ending with Kei punching Jamie in the stomach and stalking out.

"He uhh made me mad......" Kei finished lamely, hoping he would not ask the reason why. She didn’t want to have to lie anymore. She had never been any good at it, not when it came to Max.

[Maxim Vasilijev]

Keira’s words about not taking anything she said when she was drunk seriously…well, Max knew better than believe that crap. Someof the things she said, yes, she said out of anger or to get a reaction. But he could often tell the difference. And some things that Kei said when she was drunk she said because she finally had the courage to do so. Max’s mind began to run with all the thoughts of what she might have said to him besides the one thing he had laughed at. The words that had sounded, at the time, like someone who was jealous – jealous of another girl.

But that couldn’t be possible. Not…not with Kei. She couldn’t have sincerely been jealous. And he’d been so drunk and the music had been so loud he couldn’t even recall the tone she might have used. And so he just let it slip by.

Except when she began talking about Jamie. He’d asked about him. He’d gone and done it – despite not wanting to hear about any other guy Kei was with. But if they were going to be friends, he was going to have to learn to deal with it. Like…like he used to, before this crazy fantasy about Keira somehow got into his brain. But even the slightest mention of another guy…well, he could feel his blood simmering in there, jealous of whatever guy was taking Kei out.

“What did he do to make you mad?” Max asked this with all of the interest and even keeled tone that he could muster. If some guy had made Kei mad….what had the guy done? Max was ready to hunt him down and teach him a lesson or two about upsetting Keira. Although….Jamie had likely been taught a pretty darn good lesson by Kei already.

And another part was darn satisfied. Glad someone else hadnt measured up to whatever standards Keira set for the guy she wanted to date. Because selfishly, if he couldn’t be the one she wanted, he didn’t want anyone else to be either.

He knew he had to change that way of thinking – had to learn to be glad for her when she found someone. But right now…well right now it was tough to stomach. Particularly when she seemed to be so far away right now, having pulled away from him moments ago.

To compensate for this, Max adjusted his position on the bed, kicking his feet up onto it and leaning back against the headboard. Beneath hair that maybe needed a good haircut, his brown eyes gazed at Keira, filled with that twinkle, that mischievious, cocky twinkle they always held, but…but dulled slightly. Dulled by the heartbreak of loving a best friend.

[Keira]

Kei watched Max's every move, her eyes devouring, there need plain. At least to her state of mind she thought he should be able to read it on her.

"Where’s the vow at now girl." Her mind whispered softly. She had to find the will power to resist what she wanted, loving her best friend in a way he did not want. To mask all that her eyes said she stretched out beside Max. Her body pressed to his side, one arm and leg thrown over his. She would never be able to stop touching him, she wondered what she would do if he got a full time girl. Kei brushed that aside quickly, unable to deal with the thought at all.

“What did he do to make you mad?”

The question she did not want to answer, the one that would give away too much. Her mind burst to life with the answer even if her tongue did not let it go. "Because he knows I love you, you fool."

Kei played her small hand over Max's chest, buying time to form an answer that wasn’t a straight out lie, only a half truth.

"He didn’t want to leave the party we were at so we could go to yours." The answer she hoped would satisfy his curiosity. "Besides he is to possessive, wont let me out of his sight and well.....You know I can’t stand that. Either you trust me or you don’t." She finished with a small smile, glancing up into his face for a moment. Her hand continued its soft trailing motion. She was unmindful of the sensations it might cause. Only that she enjoyed the feel of his skin under her fingers....

[Maxim Vasilijev]

Maxim couldn’t help but chuckle at her explanation of why Jamie had gotten mad. For a fleeting moment Max almost felt bad for the kid. Afterall, he knew how much Keira flirted, and there was no doubt in his mind he would likely have been every bit as possessive as Jamie had been had he been the…the guy dating Keira. That was one thing, one saving grace about this being friends thing, he thought. He didn’t have to watch Kei flirt with other guys and be the jealous boyfriend. Instead he could be the…the friend who thought it was all….funny.

Funny. Oh yeah, this was all pretty funny right now. In fact, there wasn’t an ounce of that last thought that felt even remotely funny. Because boyfriend or not, he knew…well he knew he was jealous of every other guy getting her attention. And he knew he probably would be for the rest of his life if he didn’t kick this habit of being in love with his best friend.

And because he had made a resolution, he set to work on it. Maxim didn’t do anything he cared about halfheartedly – and this promise to himself, well, he was going to take it seriously if it meant saving their friendship.

“Well, can you blame the guy, Kei?” He asked her, a teasing smile finally beginning to light his face.

“I mean, you do sleep with me every night….” He added somewhat pointedly. Surely, no boyfriend would be happy with that arrangement. Or, perhaps, the fact that they were lying on her bed, he in his boxers, her in, well, whatever she was wearing, her leg slung over him, her hand caressing his chest. Any guy considering dating her would have run for the hills if they knew about this odd…friendship.

And when it kicked in, that sensation of her touching him, his hand came to rest over hers on his chest, holding it there and preventing it from moving another inch. He could feel his breath catch in his chest and as she lifted her head in question to look at him, his brown eyes stared into hers. He wanted to do it. He wanted to just kiss her right then and there. And in retrospect, he probably should have. It would have saved so much heart ache.

Instead….instead he asked about Alex.

“Ok, so Jamie is done for. What about that Alex kid who was calling your com all last week?” He asked, trying to divert his thoughts to ones that were….far more pure in nature. But that didn’t stop his other hand from playing with her hair. There were some women who were just not at all attractive when he woke up with them the next day – and then there was Keira. She looked, he thought, almost even more attractive with the way her hair was tousled and her eyes….

Her eyes were red rimmed. And not from being hung over. No, those were from crying. Had she really been crying all night about…about a stupid laugh? He tucked this away, intent on asking her about it in a moment.

[Keira]

Kei ignored Max's comments about Jamie, for her he no longer existed. Once you got on her bad side there was no going back, not for Kei. Perhaps that had a lot to do with the fact she wanted only one man in her life and all the rest were just filling unused space. It was his next comment that brought her up short, the one that stung. Maybe he was telling her in his own way he didn’t want to share his bed with her, but with another girl he had fallen for.

“I mean, you do sleep with me every night….”

When he stilled her hand from its gentle roving motion she knew, knew with every ounce of her heart she had hit the nail on the head. He didn’t want her nor would he ever. Instead he wanted another. As she looked into his face her eyes were questioning, wondering what was the matter with her, why he couldn’t love her.



“Ok, so Jamie is done for. What about that Alex kid who was calling your com all last week?”

So now he was trying to push her on another guy, to make her see. Well if that was what he wanted it was what she would give him. She would give her own heart to never lose him or his friendship. Kei's fingers that were trapped in his clenched into a small fist, she tugged her hand away. Not wondering why his hand played through her hair, not even as to how odd and intimate they both were with one another. Anyone else would see what they did not. For her it was all too natural.

"Alex??...." Kei drew a blank on the name. He like any other man held no importance at all. "Alex..... Oh him. Well I guess he would work huh. Or the next one." Kei said without thought, her mind elsewhere. On the lock of hair falling across his forehead, on the soft curve of Max's bottom lip. Kei brushed the hair back and smiled.

"I'm hungry Max and chips are not gonna get it. Let’s go eat and talk about this party you want to have." She said in a playful tone.

Her mind whispered thoughts she could not push away, battering there unspoken. "If I can’t have you for myself then maybe I can forget you with another. But its you, I will always love Max."

[Maxim Vasilijev]

He didn’t want to leave the bed where they were now. But it was best. It was definitely best that they did so.

And so regretfully, Max sat up and followed Keira out of her room and out into the rest of the apartment.

“I’ll be right back….” He stated with a soft sigh before he turned into his bedroom and threw on a bit more clothing. And then he returned to the kitchen where Keira was rifling through the cabinets.

He’d seen her try to cook before and…well, it had been disasterous. Not because she was a horrible cook, he believed, but because she had been too darn lazy to really try. In any case, he wasn’t going to risk his breakfast tasting like a bag of Corellian beach sand and so he busied himself about the kitchen, trying to find the makings of a decent breakfast. He set a pan on the burner and turned it on as he turned to the fridge.

“I thought we had milk…” He commented, somewhat confused as he shoved things about in the ice box. He pulled out a few items, tossed them on the counter and turned to Keira. She, too, was moving about the kitchen, and the two of them came face to face. To steady the two of them from toppling over, Maxim’s arms encircled her, coming to rest at her waist.

His brown eyes looked down into hers, the red rims still visible. He bent then to kiss the corner of her eye, a tender gesture. A gesture that came so naturally, but most certainly not something he had done in the past. Yes, they had kissed one another in the past, but mostly on drunken nights, and admittedly only because they had both come home alone. Not ever because….well not for the reason he did it now. Because…because it felt right and because he wanted to. He wanted to…..

He stepped back from her, a surprised expression on his face and quickly turned to busy himself with the burner, where a loaf of bread’s plastic bag that had drifted too close to the burning was smoking and melting all over the stove.

[Keira]

Kei half heartedly riffled through the kitchen in search of something to cook. She hated cooking, could cook if made to but didn’t like it in the least. She new Max would whip something up anyway, riffling took her mind off of what she truly wanted, and that was to be in his arms. To be back in the bed curled up with the only man she would ever be able to love. She pulled the short silk robe tighter around her body, covering her scantly clad form. She never did wear much in the way of cloths when wandering the house.

Kei turned and bumped into Max, his instant reaction to catch her no surprise but the tender kiss he placed next to her eye caught her utterly off guard. For her it should have been sweet, and it would have been if her blasted mind had not thrown in its two cents.

"Just a goodbye kiss too all that we shared as friends old girl." It whispered with malicious intent. "His way of saying sorry I can't ever be what you want Kei, never be anything but your friend." It went on gleefully. Kei pressed her hands to her tormented head, wanting all thought to stop, she wanted......him.


"Frelling men...... Can't see the forest for the trees." She hissed well under her breath. Turning to the window she bit her bottom lip, trying desperately to stay the tears that threatened to fall once again.

[Maxim Vasilijev]

Her words had been well beneath her breath, yes, but her anger was, well it was on the surface enough that Maxim couldn’t help but pick up on it. It was not only the way she moved, but his abilities in the force. It tugged on him, bothering him until he turned around again to face her. The burner had been turned off, the plastic was cooling into a more solid form again on the stovetop and breakfast was no where in sight. A dangerous, dangerous thing for two hungry, hungover people.

“What did you just say?” He asked her, his expression maybe bordering between suspicious and offended. It wasn’t like Kei to go around saying things under her breath – at least, usually when she did it she said it loud enough for him to hear – because she usually did it when she wanted him to actually hear.

“And don’t try to tell me it was nothing, because it was definitely something.” He added. His tone of voice wasn’t mean, but something was going on. Even a dumb jock like Maxim could pick up on that. He and Kei had never fought this much before – and when they had, he hadnt ever had the feelings he was experiencing now. Before, well before their arguments were stupid and drunken and always ended up in laughter. Right now, he wasn’t laughing and Keira wasn’t laughing. And something, yes something, was up.

His arms crossed over his chest and he leaned back against the counter, waiting for her answer. And he wasn’t going to let her get away with not answering it.

[Keira]

Kei closed her eyes to the sound of his voice. Her back still to him so he could not see the anguish the marred her perfect features. She wished his questions away, but she knew he would not leave her be until they were answered to his satisfaction. If there was one thing Max was it was stubborn. She knew her actions were causing the fighting they were doing. She also knew that though it wouldn’t drive him away it would strain there friendship to its boundaries.

Her love for him would have to be as always, put on a back burner, forever simmering there, never to be fully realized by either. Kei schooled her features into softer lines, trying to remove the hurt there so he would not see. She could never let him know how she truly felt, it was a risk she was not willing to take.

Kei turned with a bright smile on her face, the sheer will power it took to make that smile caused her brow to furrow.

"I.....It was a bad night Max, and I didn’t mean to take it out on you. Forgive me." She said softly, hoping it would be enough to make him question no further. In her heart she knew he did not want any more than friendship, the way it had always been.

"Besides I am hungry and you know how I get when I am hungry. No coffee in me, it's not a wonder my heads not spinning." She said with forced happiness.

[Maxim Vasilijev]

He stood there in silence for a moment, as if trying to decide whether or not to believe her. His dark eyes gave her a once over, as if in doing so he might be able to read some sort of sign that she was either being honest with him, or totally lying to him. And what he found, when he studied her face was disturbing to him.

There was a bright smile plastered there. And on a first glance, had he not been so set on getting these stupid arguments out of the way, he might have looked right over it. But it was there. It was there it was there it was there.

Her brow.

Furrowed like that.

She was lying to him.

And he wasn’t sure how to respond. She hadnt ever lied to him – that he knew of at least. And the realization hit him like the blizzard winds of Hoth.

He didn’t respond to her apology.

“Right….” He replied, his eyes closing for a moment and then reopening.

“Coffee.” Coffee. He was sorely tempted, as he reached for one of the packets and popped it into the coffee maker, to do what he had sworn he would not do – to invade a bit of her privacy and find out what was going on in the pretty, lying head of hers.

He waited until they were both seated on the couch, mugs of coffee in hand, before he called her on it.

“Why did you lie to me?” He asked, calling her on her forced happiness and her answer to his question in the kitchen. It was asked calmly, and without venom, but there was an unmistakable sense of hurt to it. Or perhaps it was anger, or maybe a hint of both. Maxim did not like being lied to. And with any other person it would have been anger. With Kei, with Kei it was hurt. Hurt that someone he cared about so much would….betray him.

[Keira]

“Why did you lie to me?”

Kei knew by all of his responses to her answer that he thought she was lying. He could always read her, no matter the situation, no matter how drunk or hung over. She had never had need to lie to him, never came to this kind of decision. Her love had always taken back seat, the different love, the kind that could make or break. Kei knew deep in her heart if she told him how she really felt he would leave and never come back. The look of hurt and underlying anger scared her just as much.

"I can't Max.....Please don't ask what you do not want to know. What I am too afraid to say." It was as truthful as she was willing to get. It spoke a thousand things but said nothing at all. She needed him to understand, when she didn’t.

Kei held her hands out, they shook in an uncharacteristic way. He had never seen her shake in any situation and though it could be chalked up to lack of sleep and hunger, her eyes told a different story. She gestured a shrug like movement, the bright smile faded but not the furrow that marred her brow. Her lower lip jutting out in a familiar look of anger. She was by no means angry at him but rather at herself for not being in control. For foolishly letting to much slip and risking his friendship.

"Let's go back to normal ok......There’s too much at stake." She whispered softly. Her mind screamed.... "Because I love you to much to loose you. Even if not telling you breaks my heart."

[Maxim Vasilijev]

"I can't Max.....Please don't ask what you do not want to know. What I am too afraid to say."

The young man studied his friend for a moment. Her words just didn’t make sense to him. Since when had Kei ever been afraid to tell him anything?

Was she in some kind of trouble? That was it. That had to be it. She was in some kind of trouble and was trying to protect him.

And by the way her hands were shaking, it was a heck of a lot of trouble. He had never seen her react this way – ever. His expression of anger slipped away, as did the hurt as it was replaced with pure concern. He reached for her hands, taking her coffee mug from them and setting it down before his hands encased hers, engulfing them with their difference in size and seeking to reassure her.

"Let's go back to normal ok......There’s too much at stake."

His head settled next to hers as they sat there in couch, Kei leaning back against his chest, his hands covering hers as they folded over her midriff. He could smell the sweet scent of her hair – her shampoo, likely, mingling with the lingering scent of smoke from the bar they had been in the night before.

“Kei, you’ve got to talk to me about this.” He encouraged. His head bent a bit closer to her cheek, and he gave her a gentle kiss along her jawline. Kei, he knew, was a woman who sometimes folded to a gentle touch. It happened whenever they fought – a hug from him, a gentle tug on her hand – it could often quiet her. And maybe a bit unfairly he used that knowledge right now.

“Whatever trouble you’re in, we can take care of it. I’ll help you…”

[Keira]

“Kei, you’ve got to talk to me about this.”

She had settled comfortably into his arms, the familiarity of the hold lending her strength. There was never a moment with Max that she did not enjoy, even there arguments put her at ease. Not that she liked arguing with him but because with him it was safe. Kei was always sure of where she stood with Max. That was until all of this had come about. His words made her heart stutter to a sudden stop. He was not going to let it go, he would insist that she tell him just what she was holding back.

“Whatever trouble you’re in, we can take care of it. I’ll help you…”

It was with his next words that she realized what he meant. He thought her in trouble. That she was holding back, not her confessions of love but some trouble she had found herself in. She wanted to take the easy way out, needed to in fact. To just say she was in trouble and leave it at that. But to lie to him in that magnitude would be unforgivable, not only for him but for her as well.

Kei let her head rest on his broad chest taking comfort where she could. The next few moments could be her last with him and her heart knew it. Either he would just accept what she had said before or he wouldn’t. But Kei was not going to create a lie, though she was still unwilling to tell him how she truly felt because that could mean loosing him too.

"Max.....I am not in trouble if that is what you think. So please let’s just drop it and start over." Her soft words held a tone of begging.

[Maxim Vasilijev]

The fact that she was hlding something back and would not tell him hurt him more than anything else in the world could have. Had she told him she only thought of him as a friend it would have affected his heart far less than her withdrawing from him. He had not confessed his feelings for her to protect their friendship - an honest open relationship that he valued above all else.

And to have Keira pull back like that - to withdraw something she had always freely given to him....well that hurt.

His jaw set slightyl and he might have tensed just a bit as the shock of painful reality set in.

"Sure." He replied quietly.

"Yeah, of course we can." Because starting over it was - for surely they werent picking back up on where they had been - for if they had she would have been sharing what was going on.

There was an awkward silence for a moment before he made an effort to....start over.

"So..." He began, searching suddenly, awkwardly, and for the first time, for a topic to discuss with his longtime best friend.

"Have you thought about finding a job?" This seemed a neutral enough subject to broach.

[Keira]

Kei could feel the waves of hurt coming from Max, she could see it in his eyes. Her steely resolve to hide all that she felt for him almost crumbled. But to tell him the truth of her love might only hurt him more, might in fact drive him away. Kei looked into his face for the longest time, her eyes searching, her heart wedged there, making them glimmer.

"A job? You know I have enough to get by for awhile without....." Kei stopped, he had asked a question that made no sense and she knew it was a question to cover the awkward silence that would follow. Had she damaged the only thing she had ever put her faith in? Had she pushed him from her even without telling him her hearts desire?

Kei moved forward, her hand brushing across the stubble of his cheeks, her thumb grazing his lip. Like her the simple touch between the two usually healed, and she hoped it would be the same with this one. She could not bear loosing Max....Not again.

"Max......I....." Kei threw her arms around his neck unable to let the words fly. Burring her face in his neck she wept as she had never wept before. The tough girl who hadn’t cried for any reason, who had cried over Max more than the death of her family. She wept and clung to him as if her life depended on it......Whispering how sorry she was.....

[Maxim Vasilijev]

Maxim was confused. Extremely confused. As Kei flung her arms around him and cried as he had never before heard her cry, he could not for the life of him figure out what was going on. Except that maybe inside a part of him was crying, too. Crying because something that had once been was….no more.

Gone was the ease with which they interacted with one another. Gone was the ability to just say what was on their minds. Gone was the comfort of just being there together.

As she wept, it was a natural instinct for his arms to wrap around her, for a hand to gently rub her back to soothe, for another hand to entangle in her hair and hold her head to his chest as she cried.

“Its going to be ok, Kei.” He whispered, though even as he spoke the words, for the first time in his life he wasn’t truly sure. Once upon a time he had been able to make everything ok. But now…something was different. And he wasn’t sure how to either make it all go back to the way it was, or where to go forward from here. How to go forward from here.

He wasn’t really sure what else to say. The word okay had taken on a new meaning. Once it meant things would go back to normal – now the word okay would mean…well it would mean that they would find a way. A way – whether it was different or returned to what it used to be, he could not know.

They remained like that for some time, Kei weeping until her eyes were dry, and Maxim shedding his tears on the inside. His stomach was balled into a knot – feeling a heart ache he had never known that he could feel.

“Maybe….” He began, each word more painful than the next, “Maybe we just need a little space from one another. Maybe…well, you know, things are just…different now. We’re not in school and we’ve been on our own for a while and maybe we just…maybe we needed to take this whole finding each other thing a little slower.”

He hated saying it. It wasn’t what he wanted to say, and it sure as heck wasn’t what he felt. He didn’t want to have space, he didn’t want to have time – he wanted – well he wanted his best friend and he wanted her to be his lover, too. And he couldn’t have both. And the way it felt right now, he’d be lucky to even be able to salvage the friendship part.

(ooc: I pm’d you about this, just so ya know. :) )